Mostly bullshit – Page 6 – If there is something

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon. The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries. If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary. Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up.

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government. “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful. California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry. “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies. A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

Walmart to close two stores in Portland, putting 1500 shoplifters out of a job

Walmart has announced it will close its two remaining stores in Portland, Oregon, throwing 580 employees out of work and leaving over 1500 shoplifters scrambling to find another location to ply their trade. The retailer’s decision coincides with a mass departure of businesses from the city over underperforming revenue due to theft and other factors.

Reaction to the news was mixed with some shoplifters complaining that the large retail theft operations had made it nearly impossible for the smaller shoplifters to do business. “You got these big-time operations that come in here with their smash and grab mob and their dozens of vehicles and just wipe out the store’s whole stock, leaving just a few scraps for the small ‘mom and pop’ shoplifters to fight over. Now there ain’t going to be nothing. They ruined it for everybody,” said one man, identified only as Sneaky Pete.

Others complain this has been a ‘mom and pop’ conspiracy from the start. “Everybody knows that when these big-boxers moved in, they ran all the ‘mom and pop’ businesses out of the area. Now ask yourself, who benefits from these big retailers shutting down? That’s who’s been committing all these robberies. It’s the revenge of mom and pop,” said one disgruntled patron.

Meanwhile, at a nearby park a make-shift marketplace has sprung up specializing in “recovered retail.” One independent retailer seems unbothered by the news of the Walmart departure. “Come on by Five Finger Freddy’s. We got the lowest prices in town – guaranteed,” the man boasts.

China spy balloon sought American tater tot technology

United States officials confirmed Monday that the Chinese spy balloon which terrorized much of the country over the weekend was after America’s closely guarded tater tot technology.

Experts say this is just the latest example of the Chinese attempting to expropriate American intellectual property.

Developed during the cold war, the process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

U.S. officials have confirmed that the Chinese spy balloon crossed into American airspace from Canada over Idaho. Officials are claiming that the balloon was utilizing ground penetrating radar to learn more about our nation’s vast underground tater tot manufacturing capabilities.

The manufacture of tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

American officials are also exploring the possibility that the Chinese may have been aided by spies working in Canada. “The Canadians would love nothing more than tater tot technology to fall into the hands of the Chinese,” said an unnamed Pentagon source.

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Declining gym attendance indicates many Americans have already achieved their New Year’s fitness goals

As the first month of 2023 draws to a close, it has become apparent that many Americans who resolved to get back in shape this year have done so in record time. Indeed, these gym warriors hit it hard for the first couple weeks of January, causing attendance at many locations to double or even triple. Having transformed themselves in record time, many January gym rats are already hanging up their shorts and checking another resolution off their list.

“I set a pretty ambitious goal this year to get in better shape than I was last year,” said Cal Thomas, member at Fantastic Fitness. “I managed to achieve that goal in about three workouts. Needless to say, I was pretty inactive in 2022. Next year I hope to double my current fitness level by going for six sessions.”

Gym memberships swelled the first week of January, leaving many year-round regulars having to adjust their fitness routines. Access to facilities and equipment was temporarily hampered by the influx, but now seems to be opening back up again.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Joe Buck. “We’re all about rapid results. It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Biden administration seeks ban on 4-slice toasters

Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.

The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.

Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.

California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.

A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.

When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”

“Hey, brother, can you spare a square?” Business Insider drops explosive Twitter files bathroom bomb

Move over Matt Taibbi. You’ve just been scooped by the princess of poop. Business Insider’s Kali Hays today dropped a load so fetid and scandalous it’s sure to create some early P.U.litzer buzz.

While Taibbi & Co. have been exposing efforts by the FBI and sitting U.S. Congressman to censor Twitter accounts and to have journalists removed from the social media platform, Kali Hays has been combing through troves of Twitter emails and explosive internal Slack messages that reveal a company on the brink of mutiny.

According to Hays’ two sources, Twitter offices in New York and San Francisco are dealing with clogged commodes and may be just days away from running completely out of toilet paper. Conditions at these locations have become so desperate that employees are standing out on the sidewalk begging passersby to spare a square.

In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive requiring all restroom visitors adhere to a strict two square per visit limit with a cap of three restroom visits per day. This is said to be causing quite a hardship in New York, but sources in San Francisco say it’s not a problem because everybody’s allowed to just shit outdoors on the sidewalk anyway.

Hays also reports that her sources embedded inside the bathrooms at Twitter are noticing that the normally soft and fluffy two-ply toilet paper is being replaced with a coarser single-ply. The result is that employees are finding it difficult to sit at their terminals for extended periods of time.

In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive that all employees shall be transitioned to stand-up terminals effective immediately.

Sammy the Crypto Clown out on bail

Sam Bankman Fried, aka SBF, aka the Notorious SBF, aka Sammy the Crypto Clown is free on $250 million bail today. Sources report the disgraced FTX CEO attempted to pay his bail in FTT tokens but was prevented in doing so by the judge. SBF argued that while currently worthless those FTT tokens would one day bring untold riches to whoever possessed them. The judge ruled the court would rather have his parents’ home.

Meanwhile, FTX CTO Gary “Wang Bang” Wang and Alameda CEO and crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison have pleaded guilty to multiple federal charges including wire fraud, wire fraud conspiracy, and conspiracy to commit securities fraud. Sources report the pair are cooperating with federal prosecutors.

SBF will be required to wear an ankle band and must confine his activities to his parents’ California home, the judge ruled. Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried have promised the court to closely supervise their son and steer him away from operating any multi-billion dollar Ponzi schemes while he awaits trial.

Despite resigning her position with Democratic super political action committee Mind the Gap, Barbara Fried is now calling upon her Silicon Valley mega-donor friends to give generously to her son’s legal defense fund. Contributing to the Democratic Party is no longer the most effective way to promote positive change in the world, Fried argues. Instead, securing SBF’s freedom through charitable giving is the best way to promote peace and justice this holiday season.

Patriot Girl Dolls flying off the shelves this holiday season

Rocketing to the top of Amazon’s hottest selling Christmas gifts this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll. Popular retailers like Wal-Mart and Target sell out of the sassy little freedom fighters as soon as they hit the shelves.

Patriot Girl Dolls come outfitted in a red, white and blue camouflage patterned jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 rifle right out the box. Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3. Also, for a limited time, retailers are offering a Patriot Girl pocket Bill of Rights with every purchase.

On the flipside, retailers are having a devil of a time interesting the public in Patty the Activist Girl Doll. Standard with every Patty Doll is a revolution backpack filled with a mouthwatering assortment of vegan snacks. Also, each Patty Doll comes with an audio chip ready to record your target for cancellation. Just tell Patty the name of whoever makes your blood boil and listen to her chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas) has got to go.”

The holiday’s biggest bust would have to be the Sam Bankman-Fried Doll. Several shipping containers full of the disgraced former FTX CEO are sitting in the Port of Long Beach after plans to retail the dolls were put on hold following the collapse of FTX. Currently, the SBF dollmaker is pursuing plans to repurpose the doll by dying its hair red, applying funny make-up and marketing it as Sammy the Crypto Clown.

Crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison seeks barista position in NYC

Disgraced former Alameda Research CEO and one-time love interest of the Notorious SBF was photographed inquiring after a barista position in New York on Sunday.

Currently undergoing acute amphetamine withdrawal, the former billionaire later tweeted, “Great interview! Nothing like regular caffeine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is!”

According to sources, Ellison was somewhat evasive when answering interview questions regarding her past work experience. She did, however, claim to be detail-oriented, have exceptional customer service skills and have an above second grade understanding of mathematics and finance.

Sources say management rejected her request for a $500 million sign-on bonus, but were willing to consider her request for afternoons off, as Ellison claims she’s presently interning at a nearby office of federal prosecutors.

Meanwhile in the Bahamas, there was little activity Sunday at the former polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome turned monoamorous gloom room of doom where Sam Bankman Fried is currently hunkered down. Sources report witnessing SBF skulking around the exclusive Albany Resort compound in a bathrobe, muttering incoherently to himself.

The disgraced former FTX founder has been engaged in a flurry of media appearances as of late, speaking with just about anyone willing to listen to his tale of woe. In a recent appearance on The Cryptomancer podcast, SBF answered charges that he defrauded investors: “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started this that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know.”