Month: June 2020

Mouthwash sales spike as millions of mask wearers are forced to confront their own bad breath

Sales of breath freshening products have soared in recent months as millions of American mask wearers have been forced to endure the stench of their own malodorous breath.

Antiseptic mouthwash sales are up a whopping 350 percent.  Revenues from breath strips, Tic Tacs and Lifesavers have increased nearly five-fold since March.

“In some instances, we can’t keep these products on the shelves,” says an industry insider.  “It seems a vast number of Americans are beginning to realize they may have a problem with fresh breath.”

The issue could be a bit more complicated than simply clueless Americans waking up to the fact their mouth smells like a garbage disposal.  Scientists say wearing a mask inhibits the introduction of fresh air, permitting germs to fester and multiply.

“It’s akin to recirculating the air in your car rather than refreshing,” says a leading mouth and body odor researcher.  “Try turning off the AC and closing the windows of your car on a warm summer day, the cabin of your vehicle will begin to smell like a locker room in no time.  I should know, I smell armpits for a living.”

Experts encourage mask wearers to drink plenty of water, brush frequently and rinse with an antiseptic mouthwash.

Says the pit sniffer, “A positive takeaway is that some in the public are getting a whiff of what their colleagues have had to endure for years.  If when this is all over, everyone’s a bit more attentive to their mouth hygiene, then maybe it will have all been worth it.” 

Sting, Summers and Copeland address calls to “Defund The Police”

Members of 80’s rock band The Police issued a press release Thursday addressing growing calls in the United States and Britain to “Defund The Police.”

“There seems to be a lot of chatter in the media these days about defunding or even abolishing The Police.  So far, we’ve remained silent as a growing number of activists, public officials, journalists and even fellow entertainers have called for the dissolution of our band.  While we’re totally clueless to understand what we’ve done to deserve their scorn, we’re committed to making whatever changes are necessary to win back the public trust. 

“Additionally, we’ve been a little dismayed that in this era of social distancing our 1980 hit, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me,” has not enjoyed a greater resurgence in popularity.  Our management has contacted the CDC and NIH on multiple occasions, offering our song to be used in public service announcements.  Thus far, no response has been forthcoming.

“In these difficult times, we’re making a good faith effort to do our part for the greater good.  However, not buying our music benefits no one.  Imagine a world without “Roxanne,” “Message in a Bottle,” or “Every Breath You Take.”  Is that the kind of world you want to live in?  We think not.  Without these timeless classics to bind us together, our world would almost certainly descend into chaos and anarchy.

“So, unless your wish is to replace civil society with some joyless, dystopian hellscape where the music of The Police has been permanently abolished, and “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da” become merely the words of sputtering idiots, instead of the inspired lyrics of an immensely talented reggae rock trio, please consider funding The Police by purchasing some of our music.  Civilization may depend on it.”