Sam Bankman Fried, aka SBF, aka the Notorious SBF, aka Sammy the Crypto Clown is free on $250 million bail today. Sources report the disgraced FTX CEO attempted to pay his bail in FTT tokens but was prevented in doing so by the judge. SBF argued that while currently worthless those FTT tokens would one day bring untold riches to whoever possessed them. The judge ruled the court would rather have his parents’ home.
Meanwhile, FTX CTO Gary “Wang Bang” Wang and Alameda CEO and crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison have pleaded guilty to multiple federal charges including wire fraud, wire fraud conspiracy, and conspiracy to commit securities fraud. Sources report the pair are cooperating with federal prosecutors.
SBF will be required to wear an ankle band and must confine his activities to his parents’ California home, the judge ruled. Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried have promised the court to closely supervise their son and steer him away from operating any multi-billion dollar Ponzi schemes while he awaits trial.
Despite resigning her position with Democratic super political action committee Mind the Gap, Barbara Fried is now calling upon her Silicon Valley mega-donor friends to give generously to her son’s legal defense fund. Contributing to the Democratic Party is no longer the most effective way to promote positive change in the world, Fried argues. Instead, securing SBF’s freedom through charitable giving is the best way to promote peace and justice this holiday season.
Disgraced former Alameda Research CEO and one-time love interest of the Notorious SBF was photographed inquiring after a barista position in New York on Sunday.
Currently undergoing acute amphetamine withdrawal, the former billionaire later tweeted, “Great interview! Nothing like regular caffeine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is!”
According to sources, Ellison was somewhat evasive when answering interview questions regarding her past work experience. She did, however, claim to be detail-oriented, have exceptional customer service skills and have an above second grade understanding of mathematics and finance.
Sources say management rejected her request for a $500 million sign-on bonus, but were willing to consider her request for afternoons off, as Ellison claims she’s presently interning at a nearby office of federal prosecutors.
Meanwhile in the Bahamas, there was little activity Sunday at the former polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome turned monoamorous gloom room of doom where Sam Bankman Fried is currently hunkered down. Sources report witnessing SBF skulking around the exclusive Albany Resort compound in a bathrobe, muttering incoherently to himself.
The disgraced former FTX founder has been engaged in a flurry of media appearances as of late, speaking with just about anyone willing to listen to his tale of woe. In a recent appearance on The Cryptomancer podcast, SBF answered charges that he defrauded investors: “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started this that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know.”
A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC. Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.
“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars. The level of corruption and fraud is astounding. I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money. Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken.
Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters. Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.
“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine. Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole. We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.
Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits.
“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector. It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future. Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud. Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.
Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption. “All will be revealed,” Milken promises. “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”
Disgraced crypto crusader Sam Bankman Fried, who currently finds himself a prisoner in his plush polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome, is not finished improving the lives of countless Americans.
In one of his last acts of elective altruism, SBF donated a million turkeys to food banks across the country so needy Americans could enjoy a proper turkey dinner courtesy of the crypto kingpin.
As a show of appreciation, Americans are forgoing the oven, opting instead for the deep-fried succulent goodness of a Sam Bankman Fried turkey.
It is reported that prior to his downfall, SBF personally oversaw the slaughter of a million turkeys. “This is going to make so many people so happy,” SBF is reported to have remarked.
Sources are now reporting that the billion dollar personal loan SBF gave himself out of his company’s coffers was done to fund this massive turkey giveaway.
If true, these actions would seem to confirm the New York Times reporting that far from being an amoral, narcissistic scam artist, SBF was simply a young man too kind and generous for his own good.
Undeterred by his current circumstances, scambolic crypto wunderkind SBF wasted no time jumping back onto the crypto carousel promoting his latest crypto investing token Lucky Charms. Speaking from their polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome in the Bahamas, the former FTX gang made the announcement live on CNBC.
“We’ve got several different investment tokens to choose from, each representing ascending levels of risk and exposure. There’s Orange Stars, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers and, of course, Blue Diamonds,” SBF announced to much adoration and fanfare on CNBC’s CryptoBox. “We would encourage everyone to jump into the Blue Diamonds as soon as possible. There’s a limited supply and we expect the value to increase rapidly.”
In addition to promoting the virtues of generating wealth out of thin air, SBF continued to be mindful of the reason he got into this business in the first place. “Look, we’re always going to put our mission of elective altruism front and center in everything we do. I mean, I could elect to make you rich, or I could elect to make myself rich. So don’t just selfishly assume that I’m putting your interests front and center. Think about somebody else for a change, like me.”
Already, celebrities and politicians are lining up to secure a sweet slice of the crypto cake. Former President Bill Clinton took a break from billionaire island hopping to attend the penthouse announcement. “I think what these kids are doing is just wonderful. Hey, but watch out for that one over there. She’s a vicious little viper,” Clinton said, gesturing at Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison.
Apparently unaware of the live announcement taking place, a hopped up Klaus Schwabb was seen wandering around in a bathrobe in the background, “As you can see, this is truly a global initiative,” said SBF.