September 2020 – If there is something

CDC changes guidelines again, replaces elbow bumps with butt bumps

For the third time in less than a week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is having second thoughts about a prior recommendation. On its website, the CDC is now promoting butt bumps to replace the awkward elbow bump the agency promoted early on in the pandemic. The elbow bumps were instituted after the more commonly used fistbump was deemed too risky and a possible virus spreader.

“This is deeply concerning,” said ex-FDA chief Scott Gottlieb, appearing on CNBC’s “Claptrap.” “The CDC is at risk of losing whatever tiny bit of credibility they have left.”

The new guidelines come just days after the agency posted and then retracted erroneous information regarding airborne particles, and less than a week after it reversed course on controversial testing recommendations.

“Elbow bumps, fist bumps, to bump or not to bump…just tell me what to bump and I’ll bump it,” said an exasperated Gottlieb.

The new guidelines first appeared on the CDC website Thursday along with specific instructions for performing the butt bump.

“The participants shall face in opposite directions as they allow their hips to slide laterally and collide with one another,” read the agency’s instructions.

Health experts speculate that the advantage of the butt bump comes from the participants never having to face one another, thereby eliminating almost entirely any possibility of particle transmission.

A promotional video showing participants butt bumping to “The Hustle” by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony is also available for viewing on the CDC website.

Violence interrupters deployed to Minneapolis streets

After divesting more than one million dollars from the city’s police budget to fund “violence interrupters” to intervene and defuse potentially violent confrontations, the Minneapolis City Council’s plan to provide a “holistic, public health-oriented approach” to public safety is nearly ready for primetime.

The deployment of holistic public health and safety healers is desperately needed as residents have seen the city’s crime rate soar recently. Murders this year are already ahead of the total for 2019, so there is an urgent need to get a force out on the streets to interrupt the violence.

“If we have these systems in place we are getting ahead of the violence,” said Minneapolis City Council member Phillipe Cunningham. “That’s why I have advocated so strongly for the violence interrupters, because if they are interrupting the violence before the guns are being fired, then the MPD doesn’t have to respond to that violence.”

Over the past month, a trial group of violence interrupters has been out on the streets of Minneapolis de-escalating conflict in some of the city’s toughest neighborhoods. Wherever there is a dispute, and tensions are starting to rise, the violence interrupters swoop in and skillfully defuse the situation without resorting to the rough stuff.

In order to come across as non-threatening, the violence interrupters dress in sandals, khaki trousers, and casual button down shirts sporting the Minneapolis municipal logo. Windbreakers and baseball caps emblazoned with “MVI Chillax” were scrapped after being deemed too federal agent looking.

All violence interrupters utilize body cameras, which they prefer to call “harm reducers,” to ensure professional conduct and avoid misunderstandings. A video released to the public recently shows a typical interaction where a violence interrupter de-escalates a potentially dangerous situation:

“Uh, hold on a minute, young man, looks like you’re a bit hot under the collar. You’ve got your heater there and you’re thinking about busting a cap. I know, I can tell, I’ve been there myself. Once, a fella tried to get fresh with my girl and I almost had to give him the business. So let’s, you and me, talk this out man to man like, and get to the bottom of what’s upsetting you.”

It isn’t long before the pair develop a meaningful dialogue and the troubled young man willingly hands over his firearm to the violence interrupter.

Getting ahead of the violence and interrupting it is the name of the game. But some worry the violence interrupters might make a situation already fraught with danger even worse.

“Listen, we get it, nobody likes to be interrupted when they’re about to stick up a liquor store,” said one recruit.

In some instances, violence interrupters have been hospitalized and treated for inadvertently using their face to interrupt a violent assault. “I guess some find our constant interruptions a little annoying,” the recruit said.

Gertrude the Pig hacks back

Perhaps we underestimate pig cognition. Mere days after Elon Musk’s much ballyhooed Neuralink demonstration, Gertrude the Pig may be having her revenge on human society.

Gertrude the Pig was introduced to the world a few weeks ago as one of the first subjects to have a Neuralink computer chip wired into its brain. Witnesses to the demonstration were able to see Gertrude’s neural activity as she snuffed around and touched things with her snout.

Since the demonstration, however, it appears that computer to pig brain hacking may not be a one-way street.

While not yet noticeable to the casual user, data from Google Analytics shows pig content across the internet has increased as much as eleven percent.

“In a normal year, we might expect to see a half to a two percent rise in pig content,” said Igor Testicov, Senior Applications Developer at Google. “An eleven percent jump is certainly something to take notice of.”

Researchers want to know what could be fueling this dramatic rise in swine related content. Is it possible Gertrude the Pig is hacking back?

The Justice Department thinks so. Said one FBI official, “We’re seeing pig bot accounts pop up all over Facebook promoting anything from veganism to turkey bacon. We were able to trace many of these fake accounts back to Russian troll farms. The question is who is hiring the Russians to produce this content?”

If Gertrude knows, she isn’t talking. Her handlers say they’ve noticed no change in Gertrude’s daily activities.

Still, though, experts are at a loss to explain the strange disruptions to financial markets. “Something is influencing the commodities markets,” said one trader. “Hog futures are trading at an all-time low. Currently, there is some big money out there shorting pork bellies.”

“We really have no idea what we’re tapping into here,” warned Testicov. “We may rue the day we linked pigs to powerful computing technology. Once you let the pig out of the pen, it’s not so easily put back.”

Members of Led Zeppelin to record a special 50th anniversary follow-up to “Going to California” called “Leaving California”

Remaining members of Led Zeppelin are reportedly hitting the studio this month to record a special 50th anniversary edition of their 1971 hit “Going to California.”

In an effort to keep the music fresh and timely, the new project will be titled “Leaving California” in honor of the mass exodus of the state’s residents in recent months.

“Fifty years ago, everybody was ‘Going to California’ and ‘California Dreaming,’” said a spokesperson for the band. “Today it seems like the dream is over. Californians have gone from knowing how to party and Californicating to fleeing in droves. Anyway, the guys thought it made sense to go in the studio and see what that idealistic dreamer from 1971 is up to fifty years later.”

Fifty years with a woman unwell

Spent my dough and dragged me through hell

Made up my mind to set myself free

Leaving California after hip replacement and a colonoscopy

Someone told me there’s woman out there

With most of her teeth and curlers in her hair

Took my chances on a mobility scooter

It’s a low emission non-polluter

A homeless man poops on the sidewalk at dawn

A movie producer tells him get off my lawn

People in the street start to riot and shake

Hippies load their buses for the Lone Star State

Looks like a cop on patrol

Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow

I think I should be going

The record is scheduled for a November 2021 release, and Covid willing, a tour to follow.