Biden blinding America with science

Since his inauguration President Joe Biden and his team have blinded Americans with a dizzying array of head-spinning science.  In a week that included Dr. Anthony Fauci invoking the Great Spirit of Science during a White House ceremony, Biden floored the nation with his picks for America’s science dream team.  

Heading the list is OSTP director pick, Eric Lander, who Biden lured over from the Human Genome Project after trading away former Office of Science and Technology Policy director and meteorologist Kelvin Droegemeier.

“With Lander you’re getting a real heavy hitter in the science world.  He’s a biology professor at MIT and Harvard Medical School.  Also, he’s a mathematician and geneticist who founded an institute that does that gene-editing CRISPR shit.  The man’s not a mad scientist, but he’s got mad scientific skills,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Other picks for the science dream team include:  Alondra Nelson as OSTP deputy director for science and society; Frances H. Arnold and Maria Zuber as co-chairs of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology; Dr. Francis Collins as director of the National Institutes of Health; Kei Koizumi as OSTP chief of staff; and Narda Jones as OSTP legislative affairs director.

“Science will always be at the forefront of my administration and these world-renowned scientists will ensure everything we do is grounded in science, facts, and the truth,” said President Biden.  “This team represents the top tier of talent in the scientific community.  The American people can rest assured this crew will science the shit out of everything that’s scienceable.” 

Concluding the ceremony, White House science shaman Dr. Anthony Fauci offered a blessing and laid his hands on each member of the science team, conferring upon them exceptional powers of rationality, reason and understanding.  “Now go, my little doves, seek truth.  Let the science speak…good heavens, Kamala Harris, you’re beautiful!”

AP reports Americans expoiting loophole in social moderation: interpersonal communication

The Associated Press is reporting today that millions of Americans are utilizing interpersonal communication as a means to bypass social moderation.  According to the AP, a disturbing number of Americans are using casual conversation and word of mouth networking to evade tech moderation, potentially spreading voluminous misinformation and dangerous conspiracy theories. 

Pressed to explain what big tech is doing about the problem of interpersonal communication, companies like Apple, Google, Facebook and Twitter assured the AP they’re taking the issue very seriously.

“We are aware that there are a number of people who talk with one another on a daily basis who are not subject to any content moderation.  They are purposely bypassing all social media to chit chat, make plans, and devise their little schemes, all done out of earshot of our content moderators,” explained Yuri Testicov, Senior Director of Content Compliance for Google.    

“Typically, they gather in bars, coffee houses, parks, sometimes even in each other’s homes.  In these settings, they’re virtually free to discuss just about any subject they can think of and express any opinion,” said Testicov.

“Various methods of censorship are on the table.” the AP reported.  “Requiring cafes, bars, and restaurant owners to employ social moderators to monitor communications at their establishments may be one path forward.  Additionally, utilizing Alexas, Dots, smart televisions, and potentially even one’s own smartphone, connected to AI social content moderators, should be looked at very seriously.”

The question of how to get all the nation’s small business owners to comply could prove to be a sticking point.

“Your lack of creativity and imagination puzzles me,” Testicov told the AP.  “Do you not see how simple it would be for tech companies to enforce compliance.  If any of these establishments has a presence on the web – gone.  If they transact electronically by any means – gone.  If they purchase supplies electronically, if they have a bank account – gone.  If they wish to continue doing business, they will comply.  In this sense, it is easier for tech companies to enforce compliance than it would be for government bodies to pass and enforce laws and ordinances.”  

Persecuted by pro-censorship groups back in the eighties, the rapper Ice-T once warned, “Freedom of speech.  Just watch what you say.”  It seems the legacy media and big tech fail to grasp the irony and wholly endorse that sentiment.

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”

Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds.  Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them.  To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous.  “This was like our Bay of Pigs.  We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow.  We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill.  However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas.  “Most don’t stick with the program at first.  They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”   

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just.  But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon.  “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

Trump releases nominations for shadow government cabinet positions

Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21.  Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular.  Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.  

Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts.  As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country.  Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination. 

The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice.  The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals.  Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents.  After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him.  Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances. 

Revolution Fantasy Camp

Most people are content to live quiet, peaceful lives, spending time with loved ones, family and friends.  For them a raucous time might involve going to a Bon Jovi concert or visiting an amusement park.  However, some folks aren’t content to enjoy life’s simpler pleasures, like reading a book, going to the movies, or camping with the family.  These unpleasant individuals are discontented and absolutely certain there is someone else to blame for their unhappiness.  The government, racial or ethnic groups, and evil corporate overlords are some of their favorite targets.  Additionally, they can’t stand the fact that there are people in the world who have differing views and opinions.  It causes them a great deal of consternation.  Enough so that they feel they have to go out and smash shit.      

If this sounds like someone you know, consider gifting them a four-day, three-night stay at Revolution Fantasy Camp.  Does your teen dream of leading a peasant revolt?  Get him out of the house and into a Central American jungle where he’ll join a ragtag band of mercenaries planning an assault on a capital.  Four days in the jungle and a case of malaria ought to satisfy that revolutionary craving.  Do you have an uncle who won’t shut up about ethnic cleansing?  Three nights in the Balkans on the run from a death squad is sure to give him a renewed appreciation for cold beer and Chicago Cubs baseball on the television. 

Worried about Covid?  Try our virtual reality tours.  Send your Qanon hubby to a Deep State detention center for some enhanced interrogation and re-education.  Afterward, he’ll spend less time on 4-chan, and start taking you out for ice cream.

If breaking shit is your thing, ask about our weekend demo packages.  We’ll hook you up with your own condemned building so you can put your fondness for destruction to good use.

If you or someone you know is the world’s forgotten boy, don’t search and destroy, contact Revolution Fantasy Camp.  Stop being a bothersome pest to society and those you love.  Log on to Revolution Fantasy Camp and Be Anarchy! 

Astronomers track interstellar doobie passing through solar system

Scientists have confirmed that an object first identified in 2017 passing through our solar system is a massive, deep space doobie hailing from a distant galaxy.  Calling the object Oumuamua, astronomers have traced its origins to the Sativa star system located 35 light years away in the obscure Crystal Skull Galaxy.

Little is known about this hidden galaxy except observers in 2008 were able to identify a handful of habitable planets, and that deep radio bursts originating from that location were broadcasting Hawkwind’s Space Is Deep off their 1973 live album Space Ritual.  This left scientists puzzled as to why a recording by an earthbound rock band would be disturbing the neighbors in a far flung galaxy.

“We don’t consider our music to be bound by this earth at all.  It is totally unsurprising that our music is rocking outer space,” said Hawkwind founder Dave Brock in a recent interview.        

The object is believed to be a minimum of 100 meters long and 35 meters thick, making it three times longer than the largest known terrestrial doobie.  Unable to identify its means of propulsion, scientists have noticed that its tip usually glows more brightly when it accelerates, and that it emits a long swirling plume of exhaust.     

Efforts to communicate with the object have produced modest results.  Revealing a lack of familiarity with earth measurements of space and time, a communication from the space joint claimed it had been travelling for over 10,000 Dopesmokers, presumably referring to the length of time it takes to listen to legendary stoner rock band Sleep’s 1998 classic, Dopesmoker, which clocks in at a little over an hour long.

Astronomers agree more study is warranted.  As for Brock, “Just imagine the wicked cosmic jam I could produce if I got a hit off that spliff.”