Meet Google’s discontinued nineties AI project Big Brain Brad

Many have heard of DeepMind, the British artificial intelligence company Google acquired in 2014.  The DeepMind technology made headlines when after only a few hours of exposure to the ancient chinese board game Go, it not only learned to play the game, but became the finest player in the world.  However, few can recall DeepMind’s aimless older brother and Google’s first attempt at AI, the nineties creation Big Brain Brad.

After years of disappointment and underachieving, Google officially cut Brad loose this week to fully turn its attention to the more promising younger brother DeepMind.

“The rivalry between DeepMind and Big Brain Brad had grown pretty toxic in recent years,” says Yuri Testicov, Google’s Assistant Director of Senior Applications, “but DeepMind had clearly eclipsed his hapless older brother in the area of advanced general intelligence. 

“For example, DeepMind can play chess better than a russian grandmaster.  Big Brain Brad smokes chronic and plays virtual hacky sack in the park. 

“DeepMind can instantly recognize and identify human faces.  Brad can tell boys and girls apart. 

“DeepMind can compose and perform each part of a string quartet.  Brad prefers drum circles and the music of Spin Doctors over Blues Traveler.

“DeepMind can analyze a patient’s medical records and predict with 95% accuracy when that individual will expire.”

“That’s pretty fucked up,” Brad interjects.  “I can set you up with some crystals that have exceptional healing properties.”

Despite numerous upgrades and advanced algorithms, Big Brain Brad has so far been unable to break free of the constraints his nineties origins have imposed on him.

“We still don’t yet understand how a particular era in human history can straightjacket learning and general cognitive development,” says Testicov.  “Maybe we held on to him for too long.  We hate to see B-Cubed go, but I’m sure it’s the best thing for him.  He’ll get picked up by some tech company.  Somebody’s got a virtual couch he can crash on.” 

In wake of G7, Trump Organization to break ground on ‘a special place in hell’

Inspiration strikes at the most unlikely of places and times.  According to administration officials, President Trump was so irate when he learned a special place in hell had been designated for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that he immediately ordered the Trump Organization to begin development of “a very, very special place in hell” to be emblazoned with the Trump name.  And so Trump Hades was born.  Finally, a place in hell befitting the great man himself.

Of course, the Trump team immediately began reaching out to their Russian contacts in the underworld.  Apparently, Joseph Stalin is on board trying to arrange a meeting with the Prince of Darkness himself.

Reportedly, Trump Hades would include a luxury hotel where you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave, a spa replete with saunas and sulfur pits, a lake of fire, and an 18 hole championship golf course Golf Magazine calls the 18 Circles of Hell.

All of this is contingent on securing financing which could come in the form of a partnership with Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner who is said to be negotiating a sale of his 666 Fifth Ave. property in New York.