Sam Bankman Fried turkey is a Thanksgiving holiday hit

Disgraced crypto crusader Sam Bankman Fried, who currently finds himself a prisoner in his plush polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome, is not finished improving the lives of countless Americans.

In one of his last acts of elective altruism, SBF donated a million turkeys to food banks across the country so needy Americans could enjoy a proper turkey dinner courtesy of the crypto kingpin.   

As a show of appreciation, Americans are forgoing the oven, opting instead for the deep-fried succulent goodness of a Sam Bankman Fried turkey.

It is reported that prior to his downfall, SBF personally oversaw the slaughter of a million turkeys.  “This is going to make so many people so happy,” SBF is reported to have remarked. 

Sources are now reporting that the billion dollar personal loan SBF gave himself out of his company’s coffers was done to fund this massive turkey giveaway.

If true, these actions would seem to confirm the New York Times reporting that far from being an amoral, narcissistic scam artist, SBF was simply a young man too kind and generous for his own good. 

Media, politicians and celebrities all agog over new SBF token Lucky Charms

Undeterred by his current circumstances, scambolic crypto wunderkind SBF wasted no time jumping back onto the crypto carousel promoting his latest crypto investing token Lucky Charms.  Speaking from their polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome in the Bahamas, the former FTX gang made the announcement live on CNBC.

“We’ve got several different investment tokens to choose from, each representing ascending levels of risk and exposure.  There’s Orange Stars, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers and, of course, Blue Diamonds,” SBF announced to much adoration and fanfare on CNBC’s CryptoBox.  “We would encourage everyone to jump into the Blue Diamonds as soon as possible.  There’s a limited supply and we expect the value to increase rapidly.”

In addition to promoting the virtues of generating wealth out of thin air, SBF continued to be mindful of the reason he got into this business in the first place.  “Look, we’re always going to put our mission of elective altruism front and center in everything we do.  I mean, I could elect to make you rich, or I could elect to make myself rich.  So don’t just selfishly assume that I’m putting your interests front and center.  Think about somebody else for a change, like me.”

Already, celebrities and politicians are lining up to secure a sweet slice of the crypto cake.  Former President Bill Clinton took a break from billionaire island hopping to attend the penthouse announcement.  “I think what these kids are doing is just wonderful.  Hey, but watch out for that one over there.  She’s a vicious little viper,” Clinton said, gesturing at Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison.

Apparently unaware of the live announcement taking place, a hopped up Klaus Schwabb was seen wandering around in a bathrobe in the background, “As you can see, this is truly a global initiative,” said SBF.