Month: April 2021

Cursing Cheerleader has some choice words for the Supreme Court

The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments Wednesday in what could turn out to be a landmark free speech case.  As both sides prepare to present arguments, the young woman at the center of the controversy, commonly known as the Cursing Cheerleader, had a few choice words for the nine justices:  “Don’t fuck this up SCOTUS.  Cheerleading is my goddamn life and everybody else can kiss my ass, bitch.”

The dispute stems from an incident four years ago in which a high school freshman cheerleader failed to make the varsity cheer squad, prompting the girl to issue a profanity laced rant directed at her school and cheer team.  “Fuck school, fuck softball, fuck cheer, fuck everything,” the teen posted on Snapchat.  As is the fashion in recent years, an opportunistic young tattle-tale took a screenshot of the post and showed it to the appropriate authorities who promptly suspended the girl from the cheer team.  

An expletive laden friend-of-the-court brief was filed on the teen’s behalf by notable free speech advocates Ice-T, Luther Campbell, Willie D, Jello Biafra and the estates of Frank Zappa and George Carlin.  The brief read in part:

I gotta bone to pick cause I’m sick

Of you motherfuckers talkin shit

We put you up, you put us down and I’m mad

Time to talk about your dog ass

The brief goes on to make a number of salient points defending the rights of all Americans to engage in free and spirited discourse without fear of sanction or retribution:

Fuck the motherfuckin critics, fuck newspapers

Fuck the radio stations

And fuck your parents against rap

We buried ya fuckin cockroaches

Court watchers worry that a ruling against the Cursing Cheerleader could muzzle the voices of young women everywhere, and potentially dishonor the memory and achievements of the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who as a young law student once threatened to set her professor’s balls on fire for a bad grade she received.  The professor was so impressed with the young law student’s spirit and pluck that, instead of suspending the not-yet-notorious RBG, he raised her grade.  A decision in the case is expected by this summer.

Scientists again detect emissions from Uranus

Barely a year has passed since scientists detected gas leaking out of Uranus.  Unable to confidently pin down the source of the gas at the time, scientists mostly took a whoever smelt it dealt it approach to the puzzling discovery.  Well, now it seems the noxious planet is at it again, only this time Uranus appears to be emitting x-rays.  It still isn’t known if the lazy little world which lies on its side all day is simply reflecting emissions from the sun or is producing the emissions itself.

“I guess there’s only one way to get to the bottom of this.  We need to send some equipment up there to probe Uranus.  A properly equipped Uranal probe could provide the answer regarding whether the emissions originate from elsewhere, or if their occurrence is due to some astral-intestinal malady?” says Grant Snyder of NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory.   

However, most scientists consider probing Uranus too hands-on and costly, preferring to monitor the planet’s activity from afar.  

“I think more compassion is in order.” says Steven Smeltz, of New Mexico State University.  “We need to study its daily habits and develop a more comprehensive understanding of Uranus.  Only after extensive observation should we even consider ordering a scope or collecting a sample.  All planets produce emissions.  It’s totally natural.  However, for some reason, everybody looks to Uranus whenever a new discharge is detected.  Everybody wants to know, what’s up with Uranus?  Hey, check out Uranus.  Enough with the wisecracks, people.  Stop talking out your ass and give Uranus a break.”

“Make my vax the P-Vax”: Pfizer harnesses P.Funk power to promote increased vaccination

Do not attempt to adjust your internet connection, there is nothing wrong.  Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer and legendary developers of uncut funk, the P-Funk All-Stars, have taken control to bring you a very special show and raise awareness about the need to get vaccinated.  While over 100 million doses of the Covid vaccine have been dispensed so far, millions of Americans have yet to be vaccinated.  In response, Pfizer is dispatching the Mothership to touch down in areas around the country most in need of inoculation.  Pumping “Make my vax the P-Vax” and operating at 500,000 kilowatts of P.Funk power, the Mothership has set an ambitious goal of dispensing an additional 100 million doses of vaccine by Memorial Day.  P-Vax workers have only one request of Americans seeking vaccination when the Mothership lands in their community, please put your sunglasses on and wear a mask so you can feel cool.  That’s the law around the Mothership.  Pfizer hopes everyone who has yet to be vaccinated will take advantage of this exciting opportunity to protect themselves from Covid while simultaneously improving their Interplanetary Funksmanship.