Patriot Girl Dolls flying off the shelves this holiday season

Rocketing to the top of Amazon’s hottest selling Christmas gifts this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll.  Popular retailers like Wal-Mart and Target sell out of the sassy little freedom fighters as soon as they hit the shelves.

Patriot Girl Dolls come outfitted in a red, white and blue camouflage patterned jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 rifle right out the box.  Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3.  Also, for a limited time, retailers are offering a Patriot Girl pocket Bill of Rights with every purchase.

On the flipside, retailers are having a devil of a time interesting the public in Patty the Activist Girl Doll.  Standard with every Patty Doll is a revolution backpack filled with a mouthwatering assortment of vegan snacks.  Also, each Patty Doll comes with an audio chip ready to record your target for cancellation.  Just tell Patty the name of whoever makes your blood boil and listen to her chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas) has got to go.”

The holiday’s biggest bust would have to be the Sam Bankman-Fried Doll.  Several shipping containers full of the disgraced former FTX CEO are sitting in the Port of Long Beach after plans to retail the dolls were put on hold following the collapse of FTX.  Currently, the SBF dollmaker is pursuing plans to repurpose the doll by dying its hair red, applying funny make-up and marketing it as Sammy the Crypto Clown.

Retailers add Looting Tuesday to list of holiday shopping days

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Small Business Saturday are just a few of the annual holiday shopping days Americans have come to know and love.  In the spirit of 2020, retailers have decided to add Looting Tuesday to the list of days when consumers can expect exceptional holiday savings.

For one night only this holiday season, some of the country’s largest retailers will make their locations available for looting and plundering.  “We wanted to do something fun this year.  2020 hasn’t been easy for anyone, so here’s a chance for everybody to blow off a little steam before the holidays,” said Buck Simmons, president of the American Retailers Association. 

Holiday consumers are expected to take advantage of a multitude of door-busting, window-smashing great deals.  An evening of epic plunder is anticipated by one and all.  Just remember, as with any promoted shopping day, be sure to get there early to get the steals and deals. 

“We want to keep the process as orderly as possible, so arrive early and reserve your place in line.  The looting is expected to commence at 10:00 pm and go until 1:00 am.  Shopping carts will not be available.  It’s all smash and carry.  Whatever you can haul off in an armload,” said Dan Reynolds, Director of Operations for Bunch of Stuff Stores.

If you pre-register on the store’s website, many participating locations are offering to email or text holiday looters security camera footage of their night of pillaging to commemorate this year’s Looting Tuesday experience.   

Buck Simmons offered one more word of advice for those who go, “Remember, everybody, be kind, be safe, and have a rootin’ tootin’ Lootin’ Tuesday.”