Tag: Donald Trump

Trump claims another ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump’s domination of the club championship at Trump International continues as he picked up yet another golf title.  After previously claiming the Senior and Super Senior championships this season, some are calling the addition of the club championship title a “Trump Slam.”

Once again Trump accepted victory with his trademark grace and humility.  “A great honor to have won both the Club Championship and the Senior Club Championship this week at Trump International!” the former president wrote on Truth Social.  “Some are calling it a Trump Slam, I call it a feat unmatched in the history of the game.  A win for the ages, if you will.”

The club’s official Instagram account also praised the former president’s victory.  “Congratulations to @realdonaldtrump on winning the Club Championship at @trumpgolfpalmbeach, his third win this year alone following the Senior and Super Senior Championships. Absolutely incredible!” 

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.  

However some claim instances of suspicious activity have not been investigated.  One anonymous official reported the club’s trophy engraver had been called in two weeks ago to add Trump’s name to the trophy.

Additionally, gallery patrons reported witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest.  Often the final resting place of the ball seemed inconsistent with its flight path.  “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

UAP whistleblower reveals McDonalds’s McRib sandwich technology “of non-human origin”

Former intelligence officer turned whistleblower David Grusch, who shocked the world this week with his bombshell admission that the United States government possesses retrieved intact craft of non-human origin, is now revealing that deeply covert intelligence programs have acquired additional otherworldly materials and objects.

According to documents provided to Congress by Grusch, the tangy meat squares used in McDonald’s McRib sandwiches derive from foodstuffs retrieved at a New Mexico crash site dating back to 1954.  Intelligence officials at the time enlisted McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc’s crack team of research scientists to reverse engineer the meat technology.  The documents reveal Kroc was later permitted by high ranking officials to utilize the technology acquired from this research in developing McDonald’s famous McRib sandwich. 

Also revealed for the first time by Grusch, the US government has been in possession of cannabis of non-human origin dating back to the 1960’s.  The otherworldly ganja was reportedly retrieved at a Mojave Desert UAP crash site and has been the subject of intense study for over 50 years.  Due to national security, access to the secret cannabis has been limited, but it is rumored that Presidents Nixon and Clinton both tried the space strain.  Nixon reportedly became so paranoid from the experience that he called for an immediate escalation of the Vietnam War and a severe crackdown on student protests here at home.  For Clinton’s part, he chilled out by playing his sax and spending the evening with a female staffer.

Congressional Democrats seized on a collection of documents purporting that former President Donald Trump’s hair is either “in part or wholly of non-human origin.”  They claim that his hairstyle’s gravity defying properties and Martian metallic sheen derive from materials obtained at a 1970’s underwater crash site.  Democrats say this proves the Trump team colluded with interplanetary powers in an attempt to influence the 2016 election.

Trump to face additional charges of sushi terrorism

In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism.  The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.

“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced.  “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute.  Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor.  Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant.  Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.  

“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued.  “I eat at that sushi restaurant.  My family eats at that sushi restaurant.  We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi.  Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election.  Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”

Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year.  However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.  

Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism.  “I don’t know what he’s talking about.  I love sushi.  Also, I’m a clean freak.  Who would do such a disgusting thing?  I don’t go around licking things.  Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club.  While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion.   “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.  This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump.  “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity.  It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.” 

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted.  One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition.  Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway.  Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.  

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest.  The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck.  “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

LIV Golf team matchup of the week: Skulls & Shanks vs. Royal Chili-dippers

LIV Golf is bringing its traveling circus and sideshow extravaganza to Bedminster, New Jersey this weekend.  Ringmaster Greg Norman has been spotted in downtown Bedminster this week handing out $100 bills to anyone who commits to showing up as a spectator for the event.  

However, first and foremost on nearly every golf fan’s mind is who will take home the team trophy.  All eyes will be focused on the much anticipated matchup between Dustin Johnson’s Skulls and Shanks taking on Bryson DeChambeau’s title hungry Royal Chili-dippers.

“Well you know for me it’s never been about the money,” said Johnson.  “It’s always been about leading my team into battle.  Bryson’s got his Chili-dippers on a roll, so they’re going to give us all we can handle, but I think my guys are up to the challenge.”    

This week’s sleeper could be Lee Westwood’s Major Meltdown GC, but they’re going to have their hands full with Sergio Garcia’s Ball Washers.  The Ball Washers have really been rounding into form since Sergio sat the team down last month and reminded them of what they’re playing for.

“Look, we’re not just out here playing for obscene amounts of money.  We’re trying to build a tradition here…a tradition of playing for once unthinkable sums of cash, and if that doesn’t mean anything to you guys then you ain’t a Ball Washer.  You’re just a bunch of dirty balls,” Garcia upbraided his team after a poor showing in Portland.

Joining Phil Mickelson’s Mulligans GC will be former president Donald Trump.  It is said that the ex-leader of the free world is rather fond of taking free drops, so he should be well supplied by the Mulligans.  Rumor has it that Mickelson has been warned off proposing any side bets with the former president who reportedly hasn’t conceded a lost wager in several decades.   

The first two hundred cars to show up for the event will get their gas tanks topped off for free.  So, if you’re coming out, you’ll want to coast in on fumes to take advantage of this very special offer.

Trump seeking COVID eviction protection

President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office.  Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.

“They can’t evict me.  The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban.  I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around.  Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.

The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts.  President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.

“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me.  I earn less than $99,000 a year.  Hell, I don’t even take a salary.  I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed.  “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic?  C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”

DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically.  Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.

“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned.  “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”  

A modest non-endorsement

In an election where there can’t be two losers, once again as in 2016, Americans are faced with the difficult decision of choosing the least objectionable candidate.  This is a decision most voters do not take lightly.  Picking the candidate who will do the least amount of damage to American democracy and our standing in the world could have ramifications for decades to come.  Future generations will look back and with the benefit of hindsight judge our effort to cast aside the least deserving of two exceedingly unworthy candidates.  We cannot let them down.  We cannot let America down.  We must correctly identify the biggest loser and then vote for the other guy.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden possess qualities that in any other time and place would probably prevent them from getting anywhere close to the presidency.  Indeed, both have unsuccessfully sought the job many times.  True, Obama won twice with Biden on the ticket, but Biden’s own efforts to seek the presidency, until recently, have not fared well.  And, yes, after multiple tries, Trump shocked the world and himself in 2016 with his improbable win just days after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in over a hundred years.  The universe still hasn’t stopped laughing.    

Both Trump and Biden are shit-talking bullshitters of the highest order.  Visitors to Bullshit Mountain may have seen their likenesses carved into its face.  Granted, the excrement doesn’t flow as freely and voluminously out of the mouth of Biden as it once did, but he still has his moments.  Check out his story of being arrested on the streets of Soweto trying to visit an imprisoned Nelson Mandela.  Trump’s shit-talking powers seem to only sharpen with age, as evidenced by the last four years.  On his current trajectory, it’s only a matter of time before he’ll refuse to condemn Satan because the devil has only ever said nice things about him. 

Probably the most remarkable quality about both of these guys is their capacity for colossal self-delusion.  And while it would be extremely satisfying to send both of them packing, one of them is likely going to get the job of running the country for the next four years.  Therefore, we ought to reject the guy who is wholly incapable of putting the interests of the country ahead of his own, and pick the guy who may occasionally think of someone other than himself.  On that count, the choice is clear, Trump needs to go, and the other guy needs to become the next President of the United States of America. 

Old Reporter’s Almanac calling for an autumn of doom

Across the media landscape, reporters everywhere are checking moon phases, consulting star charts, and surveying their teams of expert psychics and prognosticators.  All of their feedback  seems to point to one inevitable conclusion: Americans need to brace for a perfect shitstorm of doom to arrive this autumn and possibly rage through a long dark winter of terror.

How do they know this?  Well the signs are pretty clear to all who are willing to see. The Russians are clearly trying to steal the election again, aided by Donald Trump’s private army of postal service goons.  No matter the outcome of the election, the results will be illegitimate.  And the current pandemic is about to combine forces with our old foe, seasonal influenza, to deliver a one-two knock-out punch to the people of the United States.  

As Tom McCarthy wrote for The Guardian back in July, “Now, four months into the pandemic, with test results delayed, contact tracing scarce, protective equipment dwindling and emergency rooms once again filling, the United States finds itself in a fight for its life…. With flu season on the horizon and Donald Trump demanding that millions of students return to school in the fall – not to mention a presidential election quickly approaching – the country appears at risk of being torn apart.”     

If only McCarthy had known that Trump was about to unleash the full fury of the USPS on American democracy, he might not have been so cautious in his assessment of America’s future.   

As we hurl headlong into the autumn of doom, politicians, the media, and election experts have given just about everyone who needs one a reason to doubt the outcome of the November election.  As Edward-Isaac Dovere of The Atlantic wrote in May, “Nearly three in five Americans don’t have confidence in the honesty of our elections, a February Gallup poll found. Republicans, Democrats, state officials, grandmothers, first-time voters, the politically engaged, the anti-institutionalists—pretty much the only thing they could agree on was their doubts about the integrity of our democracy.”

Wonder where they would’ve gotten that idea?  Didn’t conservative media and Trump’s faithful stooge, Kris Kobach, uncover millions of fraudulent Clinton votes from 2016?  Didn’t the mainstream media and the Mueller investigation find evidence of vote tampering on the part of the Kremlin?  They didn’t?  After politicians and the media get done assaulting the American people with disinformation and conspiracy theories, it’s amazing two in five Americans still have trust in the electoral process.  Better step up your game, media, and come up with more better conspiracies.  Besides, anyone who is not afraid of the truth knows that alien grays inhabiting secret underground military bases deep inside the earth determine the outcome of our elections.

The autumn of doom is nearly upon us and the only thing we have to fear is fear and a tsunami of illness, a fraudulent election, societal unrest, and a tyrant who refuses to relinquish power.  All we need now is for The Old Farmer’s Almanac to predict a devastating hurricane season and an unrelenting polar vortex.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering algorithm expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop an algorithm capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden. 

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble.  Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant.  The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork.  “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously.  Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves.  The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making.  It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently.  The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.   

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer.  “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies.  You could literally carry Donald Trump around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff.  However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on Twitter or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.