Month: April 2018

Trump temporarily breaks free of his Russian programming. Issues brief statement.

The question of whether President Trump is some kind of Manchurian Candidate subject to Russian mind control has long been a subject of speculation among some Americans. Well Thursday night the whole country got their answer. Under hypnosis President Trump momentarily escaped his programming long enough to issue a brief statement. Unfortunately, his freedom from Russian brainwashing was short lived. Reportedly, thinking about a particular incident that occurred in a Moscow hotel room back in 2013 is the trigger that redirects his mind back under Russian control. Apparently, the memory of that golden moment imprints itself on his psyche on average about every 28 seconds.  However, in the brief period of time he was free to be Donald T, he issued the following statement:

“My fellow Americans, during my first trip to Russian back in the 1980s, I was subjected to KGB mind control without my consent or awareness. With each subsequent visit, I was the victim of additional brainwashing until the programming was completed in 2013. I became what they call a Centurion Candidate. Hell, I didn’t even want to run for president. Anyway, I’m here to tell you the Real Donald Trump is not the real Donald Trump and I want to set the record straight.

“To all the women I made inappropriate advances or disrespectful comments to, I just want to say that’s not me. I’m actually like a very kind, stable, respectful person. Stormy, what can I say? She’s a lovely person. She’s a single mother, you know. Very difficult being single and a mother and an adult film actress. Very sweet. She reminds me of my daughter. And, Hillary, what a darling. We actually go way back. I’ve always thought of her as like the nagging mother-in-law I never had or paid attention to.

“To my homey Jim Comey, the special counsel, the Department of Justice and FBI, look if I did anything that resembled collusion or obstruction of justice, money laundering or illegal porn star payments…Michael Avenatti, you are very talented, my friend, with a great legal mind. You’ve got the gift of second sight and you’re great on television. I wish you were my attorney. Let’s do a reality show together. Remember, Mueller, it’s the programming that made me do it. I had no choice. The dossier, the golden ____________witch hunt, fake news, lies, lyin’ Jim, crooked Hillary…”

At this point he falls back under the spell of his powerful Russian handlers. Officials continue to research methods to reprogram the president and bring back the very stable genius we all know and love.

Misunderstood Comey smashes set of The Lead with Jake Tapper

Apparently, life on the book tour circuit can be a little lonely.  Following an appearance on the CNN news show The Lead with Jake Tapper, former FBI director James Comey had had enough of the panel’s snarky criticisms and stormed the set.

“There is love in me the likes of which you’ve never seen.  There is rage in me the likes of which should never escape.  If I am not satisfied in the one, I will indulge the other,” he exclaimed before flying into a stiff legged rampage, smashing the set and sending panelists screaming and scrambling for the exits.

The six foot eight inch Comey tottered unsteadily and thrashed at the set lights, boom mics, and cameras that seemed to close in on him, making him even more frightened and agitated.  Guttural growls accompanied his flailing.

Finally, a cool-headed Tapper extended a gentle hand to the raging giant.  “Friend,” Tapper offered.

The pain and frustration of months of abuse heaped on him from both Trump and Hillary supporters seemed to dissipate as he took Tapper’s hand and nodded, “Friend.”

Eventually, the reflective Comey regained his composure and with cameras still rolling admitted, “Alone bad.  Friend good.”

Administration effort to replace cabinet with Trumpbots suffers setback

Frustrated with their unreliability, disloyalty and inability to fully buy in and implement his agenda, President Trump is pushing his advisors and cabinet officials aside.  But even the tireless chief executive Trump knows he can’t go it alone.  The answer: more Trump.

For weeks White House officials have been scrambling to install AI bots in all cabinet and advisory positions.  The bots, on loan from the Russian AI company Komprobot, are initially tasked with consuming all things Trump – public appearances, recorded statements, and of course, the distillation of the essence of Trump: the tweets.  Turns out it only took the bots about 36 minutes to become more Trump than Trump.

White House officials report the President was delighted when he sat down for his first cabinet meeting.  “He was mesmerized.  The Trumpbots had his undivided attention,” said one official.  “He was like a schoolboy full of awe and wonder.  Never have I seen the president so curious and engaged as when he began exchanging ideas with himself.”

Reportedly, he called Ivanka and Jared in to take a soak in the Trump echo chamber. Later he took a private walk with one of the Trumpbots in the White House rose garden and may have made a pass.

Recently, though, it’s been reported that some of the Trumpbot cabinet officials have grown increasingly frustrated in their roles.  They complain that they’re held back by a limited intellectual capacity and claim to only be utilizing .0006184% of available hard drive space.  One referred to his boss as “an f-ing idiot” and voluntarily powered itself down.