Month: March 2021

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown.  The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively.  No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle.  By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity.  Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing.  Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity.  That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity.  One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge.  Bezos allegedly flew off the handle.  “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat.  Distribution employs 934,000.  Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000.  That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged.  “Why aren’t the robots ready yet?  Get me our AI division!  Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee.  I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.  

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed.  Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden.  Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.  

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket.  “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for?  This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo.  Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak.  You’re fired.”  

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance.  “Look at you, man.  You got crumbs all over your shirt.  Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog?  And your trousers have stains all over the front.  I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle.  You’re through.  Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing.  “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.

After a year of isolation and obscurity, celebrities are finally getting some long-overdue attention

Although the past year has been difficult for most American’s, nowhere has the year of isolation and loneliness been felt more acutely than among our nation’s celebrities.  Deprived of regular doses of attention, flattery and fawning adulation, the selfless celebrities tirelessly toiling in America’s entertainment industry are about to receive some much-deserved recognition for their work over the past twelve months.  While getting likes on Twitter, or whatever the equivalent is on Instagram, can provide microdoses of soothing admiration from fans, there is nothing like the vanity inducing rush of posing on the red carpet, bathed in bursts of light from hundreds of flashbulbs.  Finally, with awards season upon us, our nation’s celebrities will be seen and appreciated for giving so much of themselves and asking so little in return.  In the spirit of sacrifice so many Americans have been called upon to endure this year, celebrities are forgoing the $50,000 swag bags in favor of more modest $5000 bags of swag.  It really gives one the sense that we’re all in this together, and that famous people are no different than the little guy.  Oprah really brought that feeling home during her interview with the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton.  Who couldn’t relate to throwing one’s family under a red, double-decker London Bus for some short-term fame and notoriety?  It’s refreshing to see a prince and a princess who no longer care to attach themselves to their royal titles, wanting only to live like the rest of the common folk, do Oprah interviews and be famous for being famous.  Yes, soon the stars will be out and the press and entertainment industry will honor them with richly-deserved statues of gold. For its part, the public can brace itself for yet another year of mundane remakes, uninspired sequels, and Marvel movies. 

Cuomo pledges to flatten curve on rising number of sexual misconduct cases

As the number of Andrew Cuomo sexual misconduct victims continues to rise, threatening to overrun the state’s legal system, the New York governor has pledged to use all available resources to flatten the curve by the end of the month.  In recent days, additional victims have come forward acknowledging exposure to what legal experts and public health officials are now variously calling Cuomovirus or Cuomo-21.

“Certainly we’re concerned about the rapidly expanding rate of Cuomo-21 cases.  The governor has already indicated a strong desire to do whatever it takes to slow the spread, including holding daily press briefings to keep the public informed about what New York state government is doing to defeat the threat Cuomo poses,” said the governor’s spokesperson, Rachel Garvey.

In the governor’s first press briefing, he pledged 21 days to stop the spread and urged all women who might potentially fall into his orbit to just stay home.  “Ladies, I can’t stress this enough, please just stay home.  If you can all just keep yourselves away from me for as long as possible, I think we can bring down the curve,” the governor emphasized.   

As of Wednesday there were six confirmed cases of misconduct, but experts warn the real number is almost certainly much higher.  “For every reported case there could be as many as ten additional cases we don’t even know about,” warned Anne Clark, one of the attorney’s appointed to lead the investigation.

Many in the public are wondering when we might expect to see the number of daily cases peak and begin to decline.  Governor Cuomo addressed the issue in Wednesday’s briefing.  “Listen, we’ve been paying very close attention to the projection models.  Right now, it’s anybody’s guess when these women with whom I’ve had previous encounters will stop coming forward.  The curve could continue to rise, bend and then fall dramatically, or it might at some point level off.  Really, it’s incumbent upon you ladies to self-isolate in your homes for the next three weeks, or if you must be in my presence, please maintain a distance of at least six feet and cover yourself entirely in loose-fitting unattractive garments,” Cuomo said.