May 2020 – If there is something

Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt featuring Tech Posse to headline ‘Re-Imagine’ benefit concert

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and former Google CEO Eric Schmidt, accompanied by scores of other titans of tech, will gather for a benefit concert to raise money to fundamentally restructure our society and transform its institutions.

Borrowing heavily from John Lennon’s timeless classic ‘Imagine,’ the event dubbed ‘Re-Imagine’ will attempt to envision and describe what a post-pandemic world might look like.

In advance of next month’s concert, Gates, Schmidt and the Tech Posse released a single that will serve as the theme song for the event, and raise money to transform society into a tech bro utopia.

Re-Imagine there’s no classrooms.

It isn’t hard to do.

No work to drive to.

And no sporting events too.

Re-Imagine all the people telecommuting to work from home.

You may say I’m a greedy billionaire.

But I’m not the only one.

I strongly encourage you to join me.

Or I’ll detonate my Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Partnering with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to “re-imagine education”, the Gates Foundation has received pushback recently from education officials over plans to dismantle education as we know it and replace it with a system of online instruction and distance learning. Cuomo has indicated a willingness to consider the approach.

“The old model of everybody goes and sits in the classroom, and the teacher is in front of that classroom and teaches that class, and you do that all across the city, all across the state, all these buildings, all these physical classrooms — why, with all the technology you have?” said Cuomo, promoting the “Re-Imagine” partnership.

Available for viewing across multiple platforms, the event features additional performances by Tech Posse performing “Tech Bro Paradise” and guest artist Dr. Anthony Fauci performing “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.”

Human resources department institutes epic ass-covering measures in response to pandemic

Essential worker Ben was slightly taken aback one morning when he attempted to log on to his work computer and was greeted with a series of statements with which he had to agree before completing log in.

“It said things like, ‘I’ve not had a fever in the last 72 hours, I haven’t had any of the following symptoms, or been around anyone who has tested positive.’ I further had to agree that I only cough into my sleeve, and that I use a hand sanitizer with a minimum alcohol content of 60%,” reported Ben. “Of course, I couldn’t complete log in if I didn’t agree, and failure to adhere to the requirements meant potential disciplinary action.”

Such is the state of employer/employee relations in these challenging times. Human resources departments across the country are dealing with potential liability brought on by sick employees.

“Now, more than ever, covering the old rump is the name of the game,” said one personnel manager who wished to remain anonymous. “This is coming straight from the top. Deflecting all responsibility onto the employee for what happens in our workplace is the only thing that stands between corporate and an epidemic of lawsuits.”

Essential Ben agrees that it seems like management’s approach to the pandemic is to blame employees. “I gotta sign a release to use the restroom, promising to limit the length of time I spend relieving myself, and to wash my hands only with an approved anti-bacterial foaming soap in a prescribed manner for a set duration of time. Of course, failure to comply could result in disciplinary action.”

“Yeah, I came up with that one,” said the personnel manager, chuckling to himself. “Look, in these uncertain times, you’ve got to be creative.”

Has management ever considered taking temperatures, testing employees, or providing personal protective equipment like masks?

“Fuck no,” says management. “If you can’t print it out and make them sign it, then it’s too expensive. Besides, that would be like admitting we have some responsibility or obligation to our employees. Additionally, it only makes sense that we put the onus on the employee as management are all working remotely from home and can’t be on site to supervise.”

Despite expert warnings, Trump continues to promote viral vacuuming

For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method. The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works.

“All I’m saying is give it a try. What do we have to lose? We’ve got some very good people working on this. Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.

Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.

“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department. “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls. People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“

“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”

At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice. “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life. Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.