United States calling for humanitarian pause in ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

As the nation embarks on what could be an extremely contentious presidential election cycle in 2024, Americans are calling on chart-topping rock duo Hall & Oates to set aside their professional differences for humanity’s sake.  

Experts agree that a possible Hall & Oates separation has the potential to spiral out of control very quickly.

“I’m sorry, but we need a unified Hall & Oates right now.  We’ve got war in Ukraine.  The fighting in Israel and Gaza is tearing us apart.  We have two unintelligible geezers running for president.  Come on, Hall & Oates, say it isn’t so,” complained former Obama campaign chief David Axlerod.     

Officials inside the administration agree, the American people are clearly not ready for a protracted legal battle between Daryl Hall and John Oates.  

“The administration needs to get on top of this.  This is not good for an incumbent president going into an election year.  The images of Hall & Oates fighting it out in court every night are not something the country is prepared to handle.  Like a flame that burns a candle, the candle feeds the flame,” said one senior administration source.   

Mediators are working furiously around the clock in an attempt to resolve the conflict before it escalates further. 

“My friends wonder why I call them all the time, what can I say?  I don’t feel the need to give such secrets away,” a court appointed mediator revealed, but declined to elaborate.

However, counsel for the defendant, Oates, has filed several motions decrying the aggressive tactics employed by Hall’s attorney. 

“She’s deadly, man, she can really rip your world apart,” Oates’ attorney wrote in his brief.

For now, Americans are just trying to make the best out of a potentially catastrophic situation.

As one fan revealed, “My baby heard Hall & Oates were suing each other and she just split.  No warning.  She’s gone.”

Local man’s outdoor Christmas decorations attract scrutiny

A Fishers area man is facing the possibility of hefty fines today after his outdoor Christmas decorations were deemed to be in noncompliance with his neighborhood association’s bylaws.

Jeff Ross has been ordered to pay $500 for multiple violations ranging from a Santa that is too large to excessive and obtrusive lighting displays.

“My Santa is over eight feet tall, which is a violation, and my lighting display exceeds the number of lights allowable per square foot.  Also, there seems to be an issue with the frequency with which the lights twinkle,” Ross said.  

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the community’s bylaws state. 

Having exhausted all his appeals, Ross has resigned himself to paying the fine and removing the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights.  I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife?  The kids are pretty traumatized,” Ross said.

Asked for comment, the neighborhood association issued a statement:  “We’re looking into the excessive force complaint leveled against our compliance officer.  We strongly condemn violence in all its forms.  If we determine that the rights of the jolly old elf were violated, we will take appropriate action.”

Another lost guru Part 5

Origins

As evasive as George Peters tended to be about his life prior to becoming a guru, much of what he did reveal to journalists, prospective biographer Lionel Rolfe and Church of Naturalism collaborator Susan Shore turns out to be verifiable.  Census records confirm George Peters’ real name was George P. Fitzpatrick and that he was the son of Cyril G. and Ada Florence (Farwell) Fitzpatrick.  He was born in 1938 or 1939 and spent the first decade plus of his life being raised in New York.  Corroborating information revealed to Lionel Rolfe, newspaper reports indicate his father was a New York City detective, but Cyril’s alleged wartime stints in Army Intelligence and White House Secret Service could not be confirmed.  In fact, the exploits of Cyril G. Fitzpatrick, New York City robbery detective, appear in newspaper accounts both before and after World War 2, making it clear that whatever intelligence work he may or may not have been involved with during the war ceased when he returned to his robbery division gig after the war ended.  Following Cyril’s death in 1953, Peters’ mother married Ward McCarron in 1954, and the couple along with George resided in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  

As Peters revealed to Rolfe, it was around this time, when Peters was 16, that “he married a young woman who claimed to be French.”  Indeed, newspaper reports from October 1955, describe an episode where George Fitzpatrick, son of Mr. and Mrs. Ward McCarron, eloped with Jo Ann LaNette, 15, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Jacques LaNette, Fort Lauderdale.  The pair had planned to go to New York, but only had enough money to buy bus tickets to Baltimore.  Eventually, the teenage couple returned home to Fort Lauderdale, and in 1956 George P. Fitzpatrick joined the Navy.  An announcement in the Fort Lauderdale News dated March 18, 1956 confirms he graduated from the Great Lakes Naval Training Center north of Chicago.  While not an official Navy confirmation of service, it seems unlikely Peters and his parents would falsely fabricate such an announcement, and it backs up Peters’ account and other previously unverified newspaper reports. 

With much of Peters’ origin story seeming to conform to reality, the questions become even more relevant: did the Navy and/or CIA perform mind control LSD experiments on the future cult guru George Peters?  Could the American military or intelligence community bear some responsibility for creating the LSD promotor and new age occultist?

Whether or not George Peters was one of its subjects, it is absolutely the case that the Navy performed LSD experiments on human subjects.  A Department of Defense memo dated September 20, 1977 revealed that the Navy participated in five programs where drugs were administered to human subjects for the purpose of mind control or behavior modification.  The programs ran from 1947 to 1973, and probably the most well known was called Project Chatter.  Led by Navy Lieutenant Charles W. Savage, Project Chatter research was conducted at the Naval Medical Research Institute, Bethesda, Maryland and ran from 1947 to 1953.  Peters claimed his experience occurred in 1957, placing it outside the timeframe of Dr. Savage’s involvement.  However, it’s possible the program continued under someone else’s direction, or Peters could have participated in a myriad of other LSD programs underway at the time.

It is widely reported that at one time the CIA purchased a significant portion of the world’s LSD supply and seemingly made it available to just about any researcher or institution willing to study its effects on humans.  Famously, author Ken Kesey participated in LSD experiments at the Menlo Park VA hospital around the time he began One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in 1960.  Also, in the 1950s, LSD pioneer Dr. Sydney Cohen conducted experiments at Wadsworth VA Hospital in Los Angeles, California.  Where George Peters was introduced to LSD cannot currently be determined, but California would be as likely a place as any.  

By 1960, it appears Peters had abandoned his family, which included a wife and three children.  In a newspaper feature from the 1980s, the then remarried but former Mrs. George Fitzpatrick describes being broke in San Diego in 1960 with a five-month-old baby she could no longer care for.  So she put the child up for adoption, as she would do with Peters’ two other children.  As a member of the U.S. Navy, it seems probable that he and his family spent some time living in San Diego.  While in California, did he become a subject of the LSD experimentation going on at the time, and did that experience cause him to become disillusioned and wander from his family?  Whatever life-altering, consciousness scrambling experience befell him, the trip was only going to get much longer and much stranger. 

Sources:

The Los Angeles Times

The Los Angeles Herald Examiner

The San Francisco Examiner

The Chicago Tribune

The Fort Lauderdale News

The Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN) 

Fat Man on the Left: Four Decades in the Underground by Lionel Rolfe  

Mind Styles, Life Styles by Nathaniel Lande 

General Counsel of the Department of Defense memo, September 20, 1977

Stubbornly high prices for American Girl Doll make Hoosier Sally Doll an affordable and attractive alternative this holiday season

While inflationary pressures have eased slightly in recent months, the cost of some popular Christmas items remain stubbornly high.  Case in point, the American Girl Doll retails at a price out of reach for many Americans, forcing them to seek out affordable but less desirable knockoffs. 

Perhaps the most popular alternative this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll.  Patriot Girl comes with a cute red, white and blue camouflage jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 right out of the box.  Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3.  Patriot Girl Doll retails for an extremely reasonable $59.99.

Probably the best deal this Christmas would go to the Hoosier Sally Doll.  Hoosier Sally is a member of her school’s marching band and comes with County Soybean Queen sash and tiara included.  She retails for a modest $39.99.  The basketball loving Hoosier Sally Hoop Dreams can be purchased for a mere $10 more.

Other knockoffs having a hard time gaining a foothold this holiday season include Moscow Maria, the hard-bitten Muscovite who dreams of marrying an oligarch when she grows up.  Also, consumers seem to be passing on Patty the Activist Doll.  She’s ready for revolution right out of the box, sporting a backpack filled with mouth-watering vegan snacks.  She also comes with an audio feature that allows your child to record the name or issue that causes them the most consternation and Patty the Activist will chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas, the patriarchy, student debt, rent, etc.) has got to go.”