Month: November 2019

Billions come forward alleging non-consensual relationship with McDonald’s

In what’s being described as a McMe Too moment, billions of diners have come forward detailing years of gastro-intestinal abuse at the hands of fast-food giant McDonald’s. 

News of the removal of McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook over an alleged consensual relationship with an employee has prompted a flood of complaints against the fast-food company.  Most detail an ongoing pattern of dietary abuse by McDonald’s Corporation and its subsidiaries toward unsuspecting patrons. 

“We would usually meet up in the mornings before work,” described one victim who wishes to keep their identity private.  “I tried to break it off several times but they keep luring you back.”

Most of the complaints describe a persistent and systematic pattern of harassment where the individual is targeted in their home through the television or over the internet.  “They don’t take no for an answer. They even get you in your car. I see one of those billboards, and the next thing I know, I’m in the drive-thru lane ordering a McRib,” said one man.  

Scientific studies seem to lend credence to consumer complaints.  One study found that just the sight of the iconic golden arches caused low-level activation of salivary glands in 72 percent of subjects tested.  Traffic studies have shown that 23 percent of motorists passing a McDonald’s will turn in and patronize the establishment.

Stories of extreme gastro-intestinal distress are not uncommon.  “I spend about half an hour in the bathroom everyday after lunch,” offered one man without prompting.  

“The introduction of a Big Mac into the digestive tract appears to cause alarming levels of instability,” offered nutrition expert Dr. Sheila Birdsong.  “Let’s not mince words here, the results can be literally explosive. The GI tract’s response to the presence of a Big Mac is to expel it as soon as humanly possible.  This can result in a number of undesired outcomes that can range from dehydration to public humiliation to lost time at work.”      

Employer’s estimate they lose hundreds of billions of dollars due to lost productivity caused by frequent employee bathroom breaks, and many are pointing at McDonald’s as the source of the problem.  Some have even threatened legal action to end McDonald’s predatory practices.

Cubs embark on ambitious 100 year plan to bring World Series title back to Chicago

Following the dismissal of Joe Maddon last month and this week’s hiring of new skipper David Ross, the Chicago Cubs have positioned themselves brilliantly for a run at a World Series title in 2119.

In Monday’s presser, Ross stressed accountability in his new role, impressing fans and building confidence that the wait to bring an MLB title back to the northside would last no more than a century.  “Today we begin laying the groundwork that will serve as the foundation for what this organization does a decade from now, which in turn will provide the infrastructure for future decades of construction, culminating in a world championship sometime long after I’ve passed.”

Cubs president Theo Epstein seemed to echo those sentiments.  “They say ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ They say the pyramids of Egypt took decades to build and the Great Wall of China took centuries.  Someday they’ll say the same about the Cubs quest for a title. Wait a minute, I’m being told that story has already been written. Well, folks, get ready for the sequel.”

Some reporters questioned Epstein’s decision to let Maddon go.  In response, Epstein explained, “Look, Joe was the perfect manager for the perfect time.  But we want to look forward to a new time. The 2100s are going to require fresh thinking and a new approach.  I just don’t think Joe’s going to be up to it. Plus, he probably won’t be with us anymore.”

Regardless, after Monday’s announcement, a new spirit of hope and optimism seems to have pervaded the northside, built upon a recognition that a World Series title might now only be several generations away.