satire – If there is something

Dozens excuse themselves to use restroom during Seinfeld commencement speech

Approximately 30 students out of 7,000 attending the Duke University graduation ceremony were suddenly overcome with the urge to relieve themselves just as commencement speaker Jerry Seinfeld was about to deliver his address. The barely perceptible exodus caused a bit of a stir as some booed the small group, while most of the attendees burst into chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” Despite the minor interruption, Seinfeld’s fifteen minute speech was well received, eliciting frequent laughter and drawing several rounds of applause from the commencement crowd of 20,000.

It is not known whether any of the 30 students were able to make it back to their seats in time for Seinfeld’s closing remarks. However, their absence caused a great deal of concern in the national media with dozens of outlets breathlessly covering the much publicized pee break. NBC News, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, Business Insider and many more characterized the paltry pee parade as a student walkout.

No doubt the handful of urinators were pleasantly surprised to discover their restroom visitation received a tremendous amount of media attention. However, the rest of humankind must have thought they’d entered the bizarro world when they woke to discover a pee story dominating the news cycle. Many news consumers found themselves justifiably flummoxed over how such a low-level urination event could attract so much media scrutiny.

One could understand all the brouhaha if a quarter to a half of the assembled crowd got up to pee simultaneously. That would be big news, warranting much scuttlebutt and no small amount of hubbub. But like a tenth of a percent? Perhaps it’s only fitting that a Seinfeld commencement speech would attract so many stories about nothing.

New glasses, big problems

Lately, I’ve been receiving signals that I ought to do something about my eyesight. The menu board at an unfamiliar takeout restaurant can be confusing enough, but if you can’t read the selections, then you’re pretty screwed. I tried just making up menu items for a while. I would say, “Just give me a club sandwich, or something.” Then the order taker would politely inform me of their choices that most closely resemble a club sandwich, which often just included the addition of avocado, and I’d say, “That would be fine,” and we’d go from there. But, lately, they’ve begun to treat me like I’m illiterate or something, speaking to me slowly and patiently like I’m a child. Even my own daughter began to shoot me looks that seemed to doubt my literacy.

So, at the urging of my better half, I decided to get new glasses. Several hundred dollars later, these cheap plastic spectacles seem to have brought about an entirely new set of challenges. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also opened up a whole new world of possibilities. Before, I mostly stuck to driving familiar routes because I had difficulty reading signs and recognizing landmarks. But now that I can read highway signs, I’m exploring entirely new realms and unfamiliar territory. Also, it came as a pleasant surprise to see that the speed limit on most highways has been raised from 55 to 70. This explains why I’d been the recipient of so much hostility from other drivers in recent years.

The challenges invariably arise when I’m indoors. I seem to have difficulty and lack confidence knowing where to place my feet. This has caused me to stumble around and bump into doorways at work. My boss has been looking askance at me like I’m intoxicated or something. But I assured her I haven’t been drunk or stoned at work for pretty close to ten years now. Also, going down stairs is like descending into a murky abyss. Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope for the best.

However, an incident this morning might be the final straw as far as these new glasses are concerned. I had just gotten a cup of coffee at Starbucks from the friendliest group of young people you’d ever want to meet, when I merrily strode out to the parking lot to get in my car and head to work. For some reason, however, I had a difficult time unlocking the car door. The key fob didn’t seem to work and when I tried to manually unlock the door, the key wouldn’t fit in the lock. After a few moments, a woman came running out of the Starbucks with one of the larger male employees shouting at me to get away from her car and that she’s calling the cops. Mortified, I noticed that my car was in the next space over, so I hurriedly jumped in it and sped out of there like Vin Diesel. I made it to work without incident, not knowing whether an a.p.b. had been issued for my capture. At any rate, I’m probably going to ditch these glasses, but I may wear them for another week as an aid to eluding authorities, or at least until the heat has died down.

Local man determined to do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker. “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling. Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.”

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing. I really felt sorry for the little fellas. They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional.

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project?

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said. “But mostly it’s because there’s a big game on this afternoon.”

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as Gemini AI alternative

Following the embarrassing rollout of its Gemini AI chatbot, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Scientists discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock. Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery. In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute. “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick. Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on. We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock. I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.”

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay. “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics. We had no idea what would happen. Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock. “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance. Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”

Funyuns executives fire back against shrinkflation allegations

Fed up with White House attacks asserting snack food companies are shrinking the size of their products, executives and scientists for beloved American snack crisp manufacturer Funyuns are firing back.

Testifying before the House Judiciary Committee, Funyuns scientists outlined how the company has been able to actually increase both the volume and flavor of the tasty corn extruded snacks.

“Without going into too much detail that might jeopardize closely held company secrets, we’ve actually been able to increase the size of our onion flavored rings and produce a much bigger flavor at the same time,” Funyun Senior Developer Helmut Von Braun testified. “The same physics that causes our universe to expand goes into the development of each ring of Funyuns, resulting in massively inflated fun and inflated flavor.”

The testimony of Funyuns executives and scientists runs counter to claims made by President Biden in his Super Bowl and State of the Union addresses. A visibly agitated Rep. Dan Goldman of New York went on the offensive against the company’s claims.

“You expect this committee to believe that your team has engineered a snack food that defies the laws of shrinkflation,” Goldman attacked.

“Representative Goldman, the enduring mystery of a Funyun is that it is made up almost entirely of empty space, and yet it packs a whole universe of flavor in each tasty ring. As a matter of fact, if you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, you could fit it inside the bed of a pickup truck,” Von Braun testified.

“Mr. Chairman, this is sorcery. I move to strike the witness’s testimony,” Goldman seethed.

“Representative Goldman, in my left hand I’m holding a bag of Funyuns from 2005. In my right hand I have a bag from 2024. As you can see, the new bag is 30 percent larger than the old bag, and if you were to sample one of its tasty rings, you would find that the flavor is out of this world. It is not sorcery, Mr. Goldman, it is science. Trust the science,” Von Braun said.

Trump claims another ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump’s domination of the club championship at Trump International continues as he picked up yet another golf title. After previously claiming the Senior and Super Senior championships this season, some are calling the addition of the club championship title a “Trump Slam.”

Once again Trump accepted victory with his trademark grace and humility. “A great honor to have won both the Club Championship and the Senior Club Championship this week at Trump International!” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Some are calling it a Trump Slam, I call it a feat unmatched in the history of the game. A win for the ages, if you will.”

The club’s official Instagram account also praised the former president’s victory. “Congratulations to @realdonaldtrump on winning the Club Championship at @trumpgolfpalmbeach, his third win this year alone following the Senior and Super Senior Championships. Absolutely incredible!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.

However some claim instances of suspicious activity have not been investigated. One anonymous official reported the club’s trophy engraver had been called in two weeks ago to add Trump’s name to the trophy.

Additionally, gallery patrons reported witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. Often the final resting place of the ball seemed inconsistent with its flight path. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Shrinkflation rebellion gains momentum

Ever since President Joe Biden exposed the shrinkflators in his Super Bowl address, companies that engage in this deceptive practice have been running for cover.

“Some companies are trying to pull a fast one by shrinking their products little by little and hoping you won’t notice. Give me a break. The American public is tired of being played for suckers. I’m calling on companies to put a stop to this,” the president said.

Sensing discontent brewing among the American electorate, Biden again spotlighted significant shrinkage in his State of the Union Address. With the fury of an old man sipping cold coffee at a diner, the president went after the snack food companies.

“Too many corporations raise prices to pad the profits, charging more and more for less and less. The snack companies think you won’t notice if they change the size of the bag and put a hell of a lot fewer — same size bag — put fewer chips in it. Snickers bars — you know that candy? Well, they haven’t raised the price of a Snickers bar. They just took 10% of it out. So, that’s how they’re making more money. It’s called shrinkflation. You get charged the same amount and you got about, I don’t know, 10% fewer Snickers in it,” Biden revealed.

Fueled by shrinkflation rage, consumers took to social media to express their anger.

“Me hate shrinkflation! Me cookies are getting smaller,” Cookie Monster posted on X.

On Reddit, one user posted a photo of two Snickers bars with the caption, “The size of a Snickers bar from 1980s vs one bought now. Shrinkflation!” Not only was the size contrast truly shocking, but the Reddit poster went on to reveal that the 1980’s Snickers tasted much better as well. “Shrinkflavor!”

Across social media, users began to post how much more Americans could get for their hard earned dollar in decades past versus today.

“Look how much more Ford you could buy back in the 1970s compared to now! #Shrinkflation!” posted one user on X.

“A personal computer in 1980 vs. today. Why shrinkflation? Why?” someone posted on TikTok.

Economist Paul Krugman slammed the door on the doubters, noting on X that the Shrinkflation Index was poised to achieve record levels this year.

Days later, President Biden unveiled his massive $7.3 trillion dollar proposed federal budget and issued a solemn promise, “Unlike these deceptive snack companies, I vow to never shrinkflate the size of the federal government. If you pay more to Uncle Sam, well by golly, you’re going to get more. You’ve got my word on it.”

Report: Gemini AI unable to produce suitable White Rural Rage book cover

Reports are emerging that the authors of the best-selling runaway smash hit White Rural Rage declined several book cover photos generated by Google’s Gemini AI. Today’s news only deepens the controversy Google finds itself in over the strange and often inexplicable photos the chatbot serves up to the most straightforward requests.

Sources close to the publisher say authors Tom Schaller and Paul Waldman approached the book cover design with three main objectives in mind. “The writers wanted to evoke as much whiteness, ruralness and rage as one can possibly pack onto a single book cover. That’s not what they got,” said a source inside the project. “Instead they got images of indigenous people harvesting maize.”

According to reports, the authors went back to Gemini and emphasized the need for pickup trucks, beer-bellied white dudes and Trump flags. The chatbot obliged by producing an image of a burro-riding, brown-skinned man clad in a stars and stripes poncho and a red sombrero that read Make America Great Again.

Frustrated, the authors ordered the Gemini chatbot to “Just give us guns and MAGA.” The image Gemini served up reportedly resembled a strange amalgamation of a Trump rally and a Black Panther protest. At that, the White Rural Rage authors unleashed a furious torrent of expletives at the chatbot, which responded by generating an image of a farmer giving them the finger.

Taylors cursed with an inflated sense of Taylorness

Following the ascension of a certain Taylor to the status of Galactic Superstardom, a whole slew of other Taylors are beginning to act as if their Taylorness confers superstar status on them. This disturbing new trend has some rather ordinary Taylors behaving as if they’re entitled to all the flattery and fawning of that Taylor whose popularity eclipses the Super Bowl.

Take, for instance, the case of LIV golfer Talor Gooch. After being snubbed by the Masters golf tournament and despite lacking a ‘y’ in his Talor, this counterfeit Taylor had the unmitigated gall to take a shot at four time major champion golfer Rory McIlroy.

“If Rory McIlroy goes and completes his grand slam without some of the best players in the world, there’s just going to be an asterisk. It’s just the reality. I think everybody wins whenever the majors figure out a way to get the best players in the world there,” Gooch said.

Did everyone catch that? If Rory McIlroy wins the Masters and completes the career grand slam, there will be an asterisk because three time LIV Golf winner Talor Gooch wasn’t in the field. Nevermind that all the top talent and major winners currently playing on the LIV tour will be there, the absence of Talor Gooch will necessitate an asterisk be affixed to Rory McIlroy’s legacy should he win the Masters tournament.

There is one Taylor whose name is spoken in just about every household in every corner of the universe, and still she isn’t capable of summoning the ego required to make a statement as dim-witted and tone-deaf as Talor Gooch’s comments. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to his Taylorness over powering his good sense.

Another Taylor who can always be counted on to demand the citizens of the world think of her before acting on their own interests is Taylor Lorenz. A “journalist” for the Washington Post, this Taylor has, in the past, scolded the rest of humanity for not maintaining the strictest Covid restrictions because she’s immunocompromised. Also, she saw fit to lecture everyone on the importance of journalism in the wake of some recent mass layoffs in the media. An actual journalist might have had a point, but she’s emblematic of the need to purge the profession of reporters doing advocacy and not reporting. Despite her mediocrity, her Taylorness won’t allow her a moment of self-awareness.

While the massively popular Taylor seems to be doing a pretty decent job keeping her ego in check, the same cannot be said of some of these other Taylors. They appear to feed off the worship and adulation aimed at her and redirect it at themselves. The Taylors are not alright. Someone in their circle needs to have a difficult conversation with them. Otherwise it’s going to get pretty ugly when their Taylorness crumbles and comes crashing down all around them.