Month: July 2021

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees.  As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering.  It’s flying all by itself.  It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans.  If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space. 

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers. 

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.  

“Fuck you Branson!  Fuck you Elon Musk!  One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared. 

Rapper Snug-E smothered in hugs by multiple assailants while filming video

In what police are describing as a “targeted attack,” little known rapper Snug-E was hugged, squeezed and nuzzled in excess of 57 times as he live-streamed a video on a downtown sidewalk Tuesday.

Witnesses say the rapper was gesturing forcefully at the camera and projecting toughness, when three vehicles converged and an unspecified number of assailants unloaded a barrage of hugs and embraces on Snug-E until he eventually collapsed on the sidewalk.

“Oh, they hugged the shit out of that dude,” said one witness.  “All I saw was these boys pull up, and I thought this is going to be trouble.  Then they started hugging on him and shit.” 

Despite having only a handful of followers on YouTube, video of the attack went viral attracting hundreds of thousands of views.  Mysteriously, though, the rapper lost nearly half of his 32 followers in the wake of the incident.

Reached for comment as he lay recovering in the hospital, Snug-E denied being the rapper in the video, claiming his hospitalization was the result of a shootout with a rival rap group and not a preplanned group hug. 

“Unfortunately, Snug’s career will probably never recover from this incident,” said one industry insider.  “To be caught on video in a hail of snuggles and warm embraces is something he’ll probably never live down.”

FBI to increase consulting on domestic terrorism plots

The FBI announced today its expanding the services it offers individuals wishing to plan and execute domestic terrorism plots.  The announcement comes after a dozen FBI employed informants successfully ensnared six individuals who planned to kidnap and put on trial Michigan’s Governor Gretchen Whitmer.   

“The FBI wants to assist you in every facet of your domestic terrorism plot.  From planning to recruitment to preparation, the FBI will work with you every step of the way.  Having trouble locating individuals who share your beautiful dark twisted fantasy, let the Federal Bureau of Investigation put you in touch with people who can help,” read an FBI press release.

The move comes after officials realized not everyone possesses the knowledge, skill, or desire to carry out a successful terrorism plot.

“When it comes to a terror plot or a criminal enterprise, we’ve seen it all,” said Special Agent Dave Mitrione.  “We’ve been the brains behind any number of criminal operations and anti-government groups.  Let us put decades of expertise and know how to work for you.  Our two to one ratio of paid consultants to unwitting civilians is guaranteed to get results.”