Long Beach officials announce plans for new offshore outlet mall

Officials in Long Beach, California today announced plans for an ambitious new offshore outlet shopping mall.  Developers and city officials hope the project, tentatively titled Bargain Barge Offshore Outlet, will serve a dual purpose.  First they plan to take advantage of all the sparsely utilized and underdeveloped aquatic space sitting offshore.  Second, they hope to alleviate the growing backlog of cargo ships waiting to dock at Long Beach ports.    

“Never before in history has anything like this been attempted – a floating outlet mall.  Shoppers will be able to board a barge, retailers will fling open the container doors and patrons will have access to all the latest products and styles at wholesale prices,” said Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia.  

Developers see the project as a means of delivering the absolute rock bottom lowest prices to the consumer. 

“We’ve quite literally cut out the middle men,” said project developer Rod Michael.  “No shipping companies or Amazon distribution taking their usual cut.  This product is direct from the manufacturer.  We’re calling it ‘China Fresh.’” 

Naturally, dock workers, distributors and some retailers are not pleased with the announcement.  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has already threatened to deploy his flying phallic rocket ship to torpedo any barge that opens its doors to the general public.  

Developers and city officials hope to break seawater on the project in the coming months with shopping to commence in time for Christmas. 

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season.  Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas.  The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence.  If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care.  Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home.  Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions.  “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits.  Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents.  Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season.  “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic.  However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card.  If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”      

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement:  “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world.  Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders.  That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors.  So be good for goodness sake.”  

Governor Newsom photographed with friends at posh LA tent dining establishment Paris Lavatory

Governor Gavin Newsom has again stirred up controversy after he was recently photographed with friends dining at Paris Lavatory, one of LA’s ritziest and most exclusive tent dining establishments. 

With Covid raging across the state and government mandated shutdowns forcing millions out of work,  homeless tent communities are springing up across LA.  Some of these communities feature McMansion-sized tents replete with showers, refrigerators, air conditioning and outdoor wading pools. 

While touring one of these “high-end” homeless communities, searching for ways the state might generate revenue from them, Governor Newsom and associates dined at Paris Lavatory, a $500 a plate tent dining establishment.

Witnesses report the governor and friends dined without masks inside the tent.

“The governor sincerely regrets his decision to dine indoors without a mask.  He was under the mistaken impression that tent dining didn’t really qualify as indoor dining,” said Charles Watson, spokesperson for the governor.  “However, the governor was extremely impressed with how Californian’s are battling through adversity, building communities and engaging in commerce.  He looks forward to finding a way to tax the shit out of it.” 

Property taxes and zoning restrictions considered for LA’s McMansion homeless tent communities

Officials for the city of Los Angeles are considering imposing zoning restrictions and building codes on the McMansion tents popping up in homeless neighborhoods across the city.  So far, the construction and growth of these lavish encampments has gone completely unregulated, but city officials are hoping to put a stop to that.

“It’s like the wild west out there,” said Tim Allen, the city’s building inspector.  “These folks are installing showers, air conditioners and electric ranges, and were not collecting any fees for it.”

Government officials would like to get involved with the planning and development of the homeless neighborhoods which have experienced explosive growth in recent months.

“The tents are too close together.  In some cases you have a little one bedroom pup tent next to a luxurious McMansion with an outdoor wading pool.  This is no way to manage growth,” said the city’s urban planner, Brett Michaels.  

Not to pass up on a potential source of state revenue, California Governor Gavin Newsome is hoping to bring these areas under the state’s authority.  Following the defeat of a proposed property tax increase on Californians during a Covid shutdown and one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, Governor Newsom is pushing a bill that would impose property taxes on the homeless tent communities popping up across the state.

“These aren’t just guys sleeping in cardboard boxes under a bridge.  These are folks constructing high-end, luxury hobo encampments,” said the governor.  “If you’ve got enough resources to build the homeless tent of your dreams, then you can kick a little over to the State of California.”

Governor Newsom courted controversy again this week when he was photographed with friends dining at LA’s ritzy and exclusive tent dining establishment, Paris Lavatory. 

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”