Investigators examine fresh prints on the side of Chris Rock’s face

It appears Will Smith’s right cross has lost much of the sting it possessed back in the days of shooting Ali. Still, investigators are examining the fresh prints left on the side of Chris Rock’s face in case the comedian should decide to file charges against the Oscar winner Smith.

Although, at least for now, Rock has declined to press charges, it was agreed by all parties involved that Smith, for a period of at least six months, should go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.  

After the slapping incident, Smith forcefully demanded that Rock keep Smith’s wife’s name out of the comedian’s mouth.  Behind the scenes, however, Smith’s publicist was clear that the incident should in no way inhibit any public discussion of the Smith couple’s open marriage.

In addition to not pressing charges, Rock promised not to sue the exceedingly wealthy movie star and recording artist, but he made clear that he retains the right to exploit the incident for comedic purposes and shall maintain exclusive control over all revenue generated from “the slap.”

“Oh, I’m going to make a fortune off this bitch,” Rock said.

G7 leaders gather to record rousing rendition of All You Need Is Doom

Leaders of the Group of Seven Industrialized nations have been cranking out hit after hit since coming together in Brussels this week.  On Thursday, they signaled their unity by assembling for a photo-op and spontaneously bursting into an impromptu performance of their international smash hit All You Need Is Doom.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was the first to seize the microphone and issue a stern warning to humanity: 

“There’s nothing you can say that can’t be unsaid,

Nothing you can spend that can’t be unspent,

Listen to us and you can learn how to be you in time,

It’s easy.”

Addressing a group of reporters at a news conference in Brussels, Biden delivered a stirring address to the people of all nations:  “It’s going to be real.  The price of the sanctions is not just imposed upon Russia. It’s imposed upon an awful lot of countries as well, including European countries and our country as well.”

Glimpsing the sacrifice world leaders were willing to make, the people of the world at once sensed their duty to all go hungry together.  Then Biden kicked a hole in the speaker, grabbed the mic and sang:

“No one you can lead that can’t be unled,

No one you can feed that can’t be unfed,

Nothing you can do but you can play the game by the rules,

It’s easy.”

Then the rest of the Group of Seven joined Biden for the chorus, singing, “All you need is doom,” as they closed out the meeting.

Innocence attorney not interested in whereabouts of Pelley “non smoking” gun

Testimony concluded Thursday in the post-conviction relief hearing for Jeff Pelley, who in 1989 murdered his father Rev. Robert Pelley, 38, stepmother, Dawn, 32, and stepsisters, Janel, 8, and Jolene, 6.  During the four-day hearing, Francis Watson of the Indiana University Wrongful Conviction Clinic attempted to piece together an alternate murder plot that sounded more like it was lifted from a bad television show rather than a likely version of events.  If the long-running cop show Law and Order boasts that its stories are “ripped straight from the headlines,” then it appears Francis Watson and some of her questionable witnesses are ripping right back, offering testimony so contrived that if it were a Hollywood production it would end up on the cutting room floor.

Star witness for the defense, Toni Beehler, finally got her day in court and let loose a fantastic tale.  According to Beehler, she was hired by Bob Pelley’s church to take photographs for the church directory.  Beehler maintains that Bob resisted having his photograph taken because he “had another life prior to becoming a minister” and that “he didn’t want to be found.”  Perhaps wishing to further unburden himself to this person he had never met before, Bob allegedly ushered Beehler into the church, had her place her hand on a bible and dropped a bombshell on the unsuspecting Beehler.  “I moved money for the bad guys and I wanted out and I wanted a life and more family,” Beehler recalled Bob telling her.  “They’re (the bad guys) going to kill each member of my family, and I’m going to watch, and then they’re going to kill me…they’re sending people.  I don’t know when, but they’re going to go kill me and my family.”  Tuesday’s testimony differed only slightly from the videotaped statement she gave investigators back in 2003.  During that testimony, she added that the family dog was a target of the bad guys as well.

It is unclear why Beehler waited until 2003 to take her story to investigators.  The Pelley murders were a huge local news story in 1989 and the years that followed.  They were also frequently featured as the Crime Stoppers Crime of the Week in the South Bend Tribune and on local television.  Toni Beehler is a longtime South Bend area resident.  Tim Decker, the officer who interviewed Beehler in 2003, during his testimony questioned why Beehler didn’t come forward earlier.  He also stated that the FBI looked into Pelley’s life in Florida, and that for local investigators, “Florida was never part of the conversation.” 

Frances Watson also called Kathy Hawley to testify.  An interesting choice considering that Hawley’s husband, Phil, and other members of the Hawley family are at the top of Watson’s list as potential suspects in the murders.  Additionally, this family has a well documented history of forgery and fraud, ranking Kathy Hawley’s testimony among the most unreliable hearsay imaginable.

Then, of course, there’s the defendant himself.  Although Jeff Pelley didn’t testify, we know he has his own issues with the truth.  When interviewed by investigators back in 1989, he lied when he claimed he left the Pelley residence at 4:55 on April 29.  He also lied about which gas station he stopped at.  While it bears no relevance on the current proceedings, it is also a fact that back in the nineties Jeff Pelley committed an elaborate fraud that resulted in his pleading guilty to federal wire fraud charges.  So, was Jeff Pelley telling the truth when he told investigators that his father gave his guns, including the 20-gauge shotgun, to another man for safe-keeping prior to the murders?  

On the final day of the PCR hearing, the defense called Andre Gammage.  Gammage was Jeff Pelley’s Indiana-based attorney at the time of trial.  During questioning, the defense brought up a document containing information that Bob Pelley may have given his guns to Thomas Keb.  The defense wanted to hear from Gammage why Keb was never called as a witness during the trial.  Gammage said that he believed Keb was on the witness list, but either doesn’t know or couldn’t remember why Keb wasn’t called.  However, under state questioning, his recollection seemed to become a little clearer.  Regarding the guns being removed from the Pelley home angle, Gammage said he did not want to go down that path during trial, with the reason being that they might not have been able to account for all the guns. 

So there it is.  If Thomas Keb was given the shotgun prior to the murders as the defense claims, then producing Bob’s 20-gauge would surely exonerate Jeff Pelley.  Undoubtedly, investigators for both sides tried mightily to track down Bob’s shotgun.  If it was in someone else’s closet or basement at the time of the murders, then Jeff is innocent.  But, coincidentally, like the murder weapon, Bob’s 20-gauge could not be recovered either.  Perhaps because they are one and the same.  Of course, Jeff Pelley and his defense team were under no obligation to prove his innocence, but coming up with the non smoking gun would have been just the ticket to do so.  

Strangely, in Delia D’Ambra’s Counterfactual podcast, she steers clear of Bob’s missing 20-gauge, choosing instead to focus on Bob’s 22 pistol.  In an astounding feat of speculative gymnastics, D’Ambra asserts that because Bob’s 22 was unaccounted for for a few months in late 1988 and early 1989, then it must have been the weapon used in a Florida murder, later ending up back at Bob’s and possibly contributing to the reason for his murder.  In the vast universe of coincidences, which one seems more likely to point towards a murderer: Bob’s missing 20-gauge shotgun or Bob’s briefly unaccounted for 22 pistol?  One is completely in line with the facts of the case.  The other emerges out of an incoherent web of unsubstantiated speculative claims intertwined with wild and baseless conjecture.  Not a very sound narrative on which to build a case for innocence. 

Pelley innocence attorney claims mob involvement led to murders

Convicted Lakeville, Indiana murderer, Jeff Pelley, and his Indiana University Wrongful Conviction Clinic attorney, Fran Watson, are in St. Joseph County Superior Court this week seeking post-conviction relief and a potential new trial.  Emboldened by the success of the popular true crime podcast, CounterFactual, they have a new theory that it wasn’t Jeff Pelley who brutally murdered his father, Bob Pelley, his stepmother, Dawn, and his stepsisters Jolene and Janel, in 1989, but rather some bad hombres from Florida with whom Bob had been involved in some shady business dealings.  

Fran Watson claims to have an important new witness, Toni Beehler, who could blow the case wide open.  “Prior to the trial, the defense attorney did not know about a witness who will be testifying at these evidentiary hearings, and her testimony would have been consistent with the defense theory that the killers were tied to the fraudulent bank activity and the mob influence,” Watson explains.  

Beehler came forward and talked to detectives in 2003 after Jeff Pelley was charged for the murders.  Beehler told investigators that she had been hired by Bob’s church to take pictures for the church directory.  She claims Bob didn’t want to have his picture taken “as he had another life prior to becoming a minister.”  

So, clearly, he must have been mobbed up, right?  At least that’s the story Jeff Pelley and Fran Watson would like to implant in everyone’s imaginations, because Beehler says Bob Pelley gave her no additional details about his past life.  Apparently Beehler’s information was vitally important to convey to investigators after Jeff Pelley had been charged, but not so much during the initial investigation that followed the murders. 

The CounterFactual podcast takes great pains to try to implicate Bob Pelley in all manner of illegal activity.  The whole podcast is constructed around illuminating his so-called shady past.  It becomes a podcast within a podcast as host, Delia D’Ambra, investigates murder and criminal activity in Florida that Bob had nothing to do with.  Still, podcast producers and Fran Watson would like everyone to think Bob was involved, or at a minimum knew too much, and for that he and his family were bumped off by mob hitmen.

Much is made about the fact that Jeff Pelley only had about a 20 minute window of opportunity to commit these murders.  However, if you buy into the mob hitmen theory, another window of opportunity comes into focus.  The same witness statements that open and close a window for Jeff Pelley, create one for the alleged hitmen.  There is only about a 15 minute window between the time Jeff Pelley leaves the family home and the victims begin to go missing in action.  That indicates the alleged hitmen must have arrived shortly after Jeff Pelley’s departure.  It’s an incredible stroke of luck that Jeff avoided becoming the fifth victim, but also a bit of misfortune that the hitmen’s timing makes Jeff look really fucking guilty. 

Of course, there’s also all that circumstantial evidence that points to the murders originating from within the house.  But that just speaks to the cleverness of the hitmen to not force entry and to avoid a violent struggle with the occupants.  Nor did the hit team ransack the home, search for potentially incriminating documents or steal any valuables.  Additionally, the hitmen knew enough to use the 20-gauge shotgun from Bob’s bedroom, making it seem as if the perpetrator was someone very familiar to the family, and who had familiarity and unfettered access to all areas of the domicile.   

For a full explanation of the mob hit theory, in all its improbable and convoluted glory, one should listen to the CounterFactual podcast.  Episode 18, “Factually Based?”, is a critical episode where the fanciful hitman theory runs up against cold reality and reason.  Contrast Fran Watson’s conspiratorial ranting and raving to the methodical analysis of an independent crime scene expert who is brought in to offer his opinion on the crime scene and the type of killer who could have committed such a horrible act. 

Jeff Pelley was convicted by a jury in 2006 and had his conviction upheld by the Indiana Supreme Court in 2009.  If real evidence exists to exonerate Jeff Pelley, then it needs to come out.  But asserting that Bob Pelley’s criminal past finally caught up with him is reckless, irresponsible and wholly without merit.  However, there is one individual who has a documented criminal past that involves theft and even an FBI fraud investigation and conviction.  Now, who is the one with the secret life he doesn’t want anybody to know about?

Mischief threat level raised in Canada as convoy organizer released on bail

Canadians are on high alert today in expectation that outbreaks of mischief could randomly occur anywhere at any moment now that Canadian trucker convoy organizer, Tamara Lich, has been awarded bail.  

Officially charged with “counseling to commit mischief,” Lich has been held for several weeks without bail because Justice Julie Bourgeois insisted it was necessary to protect the public.

A new justice allowed the bail but imposed several conditions.  In addition to posting $25,000, Lich had to promise to leave Ottawa within 24 hours and have no contact with her fellow convoy organizers.

However, government officials are concerned that Lich still poses a clear and present danger, and that there is little to prevent her from counseling others to commit mischief.  

RCMP Chief Mischief Profiler, Lloyd Alexander, warns that the type and severity of mischief Lich could inflict on the people of Canada is limited only by the public’s imagination.  

“There’s nothing to prevent her from infiltrating a Facebook knitting group, radicalizing its members and persuading them to crochet a giant “Fuck Trudeau” banner which they could unfurl in front of parliament.  She’s sneaky and impish, that one, and that’s why we’ll be keeping a very close eye on her,” he said.

Elon Musk dines at Nuclear Greens Cafe

After stirring a minor Twitter controversy over the weekend by promoting nuclear power, the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, put his money where his mouth is by breakfasting at the Nuclear Greens Cafe Monday morning.

In a series of tweets on Sunday, Musk promoted restarting dormant nuclear power plants and increasing energy production at existing ones.  The multi-billionaire downplayed the risks of radiation by pledging to eat locally grown food at locations chosen by nuclear power detractors.

“For those who (mistakenly) think this is a radiation risk, pick what you think is the worst location. I will travel there & eat locally grown food on TV,” Musk tweeted.

In typical Musk fashion, rather than wait for suggestions, he erected a nuclear power themed cafe that serves only fresh meat and produce sourced from within a 50 mile radius of a nuclear power plant.  From conception to completion, the project took less than twelve hours and was open for business on Monday morning.  Plans are to franchise other Nuclear Greens locations around the country.

The tech billionaire reportedly ordered the Atomic Sunrise Platter which consists of two reactor fresh eggs, crispy radiated bacon, buttery toast and two Nuclear Winter Waffles topped with fresh Fukushima strawberries.  Breakfast is served with a bottomless cup of Nuclear Greens’ signature Meltdown Java to jumpstart the day.

As he was leaving the cafe, a glowing Musk gave the staff a thumbs up, strapped on his nuclear powered jet pack and took off into the wind.

The Collectors

On Tuesday, October 9,1990, a meeting of the city council of Sedona, Arizona convened at 7:00 p.m.  After the meeting was called to order and the Pledge of Allegiance recited, a brief moment of silence was observed.  Next the roll was taken and the floor opened for public comment.  Second to approach the microphone was a clean-cut young gentleman who introduced himself as Ben Porterfield and informed the gathering that he had submitted an application for the position of City Magistrate.  According to the minutes of the meeting, Porterfield “advised he wanted to give the Council an opportunity to match a face with a resume and that he would be available after the meeting for questions.”

As Ben Porterfield took his seat for the duration of the meeting, it is not known if he questioned the decision to use an alias on his application.  Perhaps a man who aspires to administer the law for a municipality ought to do so under his real name.  This might hurt his chances of getting the job, he possibly thought, especially if they do a background check which was certain to be the case.  Also, he may have wondered if managing a trailer park counted as relevant experience for issuing warrants and reviewing matters of law.  No matter, Ben Porterfield, or whatever the young man’s name was, had a number of ongoing projects in various stages of development.  Whether or not he got the City Magistrate position was of little consequence.  

Unsurprisingly, Ben Porterfield was passed over for the position of City Magistrate of Sedona, Arizona.  Months later, however, some who attended the city council meeting that night may have wished they’d taken a greater interest in the man at the microphone with the face and the resume.  Because Ben Porterfield was eventually going to become the subject of an arrest warrant, possibly issued by the newly appointed Sedona City Magistrate, and the target of a manhunt for absconding with an indeterminate quantity of Sedona residents’ precious bodily fluids.

Just a few months after the meeting, as the year drew to a close, concerned parents began presenting their teenage offspring at local medical clinics for examinations.  At the same time, the Sedona Police Department started receiving reports of a mysterious couple who were offering area teenagers ten dollars to draw a vial of their blood.  It took authorities a few weeks, but eventually they were able to zero in on a mobile home at the Windsong Trailer Park, located along U.S. 89A in west Sedona.  The trailer belonged to Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield, managers of the park.

Sedona Police Chief Bob Irish was at a loss to explain why these two individuals were collecting the blood samples.  “The possibilities of it are only limited by your imagination.  At this point, it is one of the most bizarre situations I have ever seen.”  At the time, it was thought that at least a dozen teens had allowed some of their blood to be extracted for money.  According to accounts, the teens were taken into a bathroom where a syringe was used to extract a sample of their blood.  “It looked okay to me,” said a 15-year-old who lived next door to the couple.  “They would unwrap each needle and put a brace on your arm and have you fill out a questionnaire.  You had to be 14 or over, and you could only give three times.  But the questions were really weird, like, ‘Did you use Clearasil…Are you on drugs or alcohol?’”  The young woman went on to reveal that her boyfriend and his friends had sold their blood numerous times to the couple and that the pair had taken more than 100 samples from at least 30 teen-agers.  Interviews with additional teens revealed the couple posed as representatives of the government and that the blood was needed for the testing of lasers.

Blood wasn’t the only thing the strange couple was collecting.  According to authorities, the pair had been collecting rent checks from Windsong residents and depositing them into their personal account.  This led to an arrest warrant being issued for a Benjamin and Sarah Birdsong on charges of child abuse, embezzlement, impersonating medical personnel, aggravated assault and operating a clinical laboratory without a license.  Apparently the age requirement and the questionnaire subjects were asked to fill out were insufficient to secure licensing for the couple’s blood drawing enterprise.  Investigators were also not entirely clear regarding the true identity of the individuals.  Chief Irish thought the couple’s names were possibly aliases and that they were known to have used the names Millett and Stewart when they lived in the Phoenix area.

On Monday, January 7, 1991, Sedona Police and an official from the Arizona Department of Health Services served a search warrant at the Camp Verde home of Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield.  The couple were not present at the time of the raid and had been last seen at the residence the previous Friday.  Items taken from the home by police included two handguns, two shotguns, a Mac-10 submachine gun with silencer, an IBM computer, a printer and computer storage disks – the standard items necessary to get a teen blood-buying business up and running.  Also taken in the raid were a book of satanic rituals, the Satanic Bible by Anton Lavey, photocopies, posters and banners containing occult logos and satanic imagery.  Satanism quickly moved to the top of the list of possible motives for the strange couple’s blood-buying activities.  “It seems to be the forerunner as far as theories,” said Chief Irish.  The chief further speculated the blood might be used as part of an “occult-type” ceremony, admitting that, “The worst-case scenario would be drinking it (the blood).” 

Meanwhile the search for the pair continued in earnest.  The couple owned two vehicles, a 1968 Ford pickup and a 1974 Volvo station wagon, that were now missing from the couple’s Camp Verde home.  Acting on a tip, authorities closed in on a motel in Mesa, Arizona, but missed capturing the pair by two hours.  Later, authorities admitted they could not confirm that the motel occupants were the fugitive couple.  Investigators now believed the actual identity of the pair to be Charles E. Stewart, 32, and Sharon M. Smythe, 23, who went by the aliases Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield while living in Sedona.  A number of town residents had encountered the couple, describing them as friendly but very private.  None interviewed were able to provide any worthwhile leads.  An 11-year-old neighbor of the Porterfield’s described how he was well treated by the couple who would buy parts for his bicycle and take him on camping trips.  He did admit, however, that they had some strange habits.  “I never saw any of that devil stuff.  But there was always weird, loud music in the middle of the night.  All the time, they would go camping in Boynton Canyon and then we would hear about animals that were sacrificed up there.”

Investigators continued to pore through materials seized from the couple’s home.  A computer specialist was called in to examine the contents of the Porterfield’s home computer.  At one point, the expert thought the couple may have booby-trapped the device to erase its contents if tampered with.  Eventually, however, the computer revealed little useful information about the Porterfield’s or their secret government research into blood lasers.  Occult experts brought in to examine the satanic materials concluded they showed nothing to indicate active occult involvement.  The elusive couple, who seemed to become more mysterious with every bit of information discovered about them, had seemingly vanished with potentially over a hundred vials of blood extracted from the town’s teen-age population, all while abandoning a cache of weapons and a computer.  Perhaps Chief Irish was wishing he’d introduced himself to Ben Porterfield when he had a chance.  “I remember at a City Council meeting, he went up to the microphone and said, ‘I’m Benjamin Porterfield, and I’m available to meet with you.’  He looked like a clean-cut, all-American kid,” Irish recounted.         

It should be noted that many residents and visitors to Sedona claim the city rests on a large energy vortex composed of a number of smaller vortices, the most significant of which is the Boynton Canyon vortex.  These swirling concentrations of energy are linked with any number of strange phenomena.  Perhaps a mystery couple collecting blood samples from local teens is a fairly mundane occurrence in an area where unexplained healing powers, strange spirits, ghostly hauntings, UFO activity, and Interdimensional Portals are part and parcel of the landscape.  And if two mysterious travelers conducting highly sensitive scientific research should suddenly be called to deliver their collection of samples back to their obscure corner of space and time, and if the pair of strangers should suddenly vanish through the interdimensional doorway from which they possibly emerged, perhaps it should come as no great surprise.

Schwab rebukes Trudeau for jumping too far ahead in The Great Reset playbook

Details are starting to emerge regarding why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unexpectedly ended the Emergencies Act last Wednesday only a week after invoking it and a mere day after the Canadian House approved it.

Apparently, after witnessing the unprecedented civil liberties violations Trudeau and his goons were inflicting on a group of peaceful protesters, his mentor Klaus Schwab felt compelled to pick up the phone and rebuke the former student.

“This looks very bad for us, Justin.  You’re giving away the game.  It’s like you decided to turn to the last page of the playbook without taking the necessary steps to get there,” Schwab told Trudeau.

Trudeau is a product of the World Economic Forum’s Young Global Leaders school.  In the past, WEF Executive Director Klaus Schwab has boasted like a proud papa about the school’s most accomplished graduates such as Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin.  However, Schwab pointed to the WEF’s proudest accomplishment as placing its Young Global Leaders inside the cabinets of many of the world’s nations.

“But what we are very proud of now, the young generation like Prime Minister Trudeau, president of Argentina [Mauricio Macri], and so on, that we penetrate the cabinets. So, yesterday, I was at a reception for Prime Minister Trudeau, and I know that half of his cabinet or even more than half of his cabinet are actually Young Global Leaders of the World Economic Forum,” Schwab told an audience in 2017.

Schwab was reportedly apoplectic over the bad publicity Trudeau and Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland, who is also a WEF Young Global Leader, brought upon the organization. 

“We must bring the people along gradually.  Haven’t you ever heard of death by a thousand cuts or the boiling frog?  You can’t just go out and start jailing people for ‘unacceptable views.’  Didn’t you learn anything, you spoiled rich idiot.  You have too much of your father, Fidel, in you.  And what the fuck is the matter with you Freeland?  You can’t just start seizing people’s bank accounts.  We are years away from social credit in western democracies,” Schwab admonished the pair.  

Schwab reportedly ended the scolding by paying the pair a backhanded compliment.

“That being said, the apparent number of citizens of a free country willing to go along with such draconian measures is very instructive.  It appears that the monumental, young global stupidity you two have shown may have inadvertently revealed something quite useful,” Schwab said.