Apple to offer counseling to 2000 employees after scary author terminated

Apple Inc. issued a statement today relenting to employee demands that they be offered counseling and mental health services following an incident in which a scary author was briefly permitted to work for the company and access its corporate campus.

“Apple management would like to assure its employees that anyone traumatized by the presence of the man who wrote that frightening prose can take advantage of up to a month of paid leave and access counseling services when they feel well enough to return to work,” the statement read.  

Officials at Apple weren’t aware that during the time best-selling author and tech manager Antonio Garcia Martinez was working as a mild-mannered ad targeting manager for the company, his 2016 critically acclaimed book Chaos Monkeys was silently stalking and assaulting the delicate sensibilities of a substantial portion of the Apple workforce.

Readers should be warned, the following passage is highly offensive and may cause male readers to embark on an unchecked spree of misogyny.  Pay careful attention to the last sentence, which is the one that caused everybody’s panties to get in a bunch.   

“She had wild, green eyes with unnatural red spots in her irises when you pulled close, reminiscent of that Afghan girl from the National Geographic cover.  Her personality was flinty and rough and as leathery as her skin.  She had spent years between various jobs backpacking around the rougher parts of the world.  She was an imposing broad-shouldered presence, six feet tall in bare feet, and towering over me in heels.  Most women in the Bay are soft and weak, cosseted and naive despite their claims of worldliness, and generally full of shit.”  

Employees are still wondering why they were forced to endure the hostile work environment created by the author’s cruel prose.  “Were they ever going to tell us about those awful words?  They were just sitting there on the page, lying in wait to victimize us,” said one employee, who wished to stress that she was not soft and weak, cosseted and naive, and that she once took a gap year and travelled to several underdeveloped countries.    

In an effort to provide a safe and inclusive workplace, Apple is in the process of compiling a list of scary writers employees should consider avoiding.   Reportedly topping the list is acclaimed American author Philip Roth, who the company describes as “the grand master of creepy, old dudes obsessed with sex.”

Tour officials to investigate PGA Championship riot

PGA Tour officials today vowed to get to the bottom of why thousands of golf fans were able to storm the 18th green at the PGA Championship on Sunday, and whether Phil Mickelson played any role in the melee that ensued after he hit his final approach to that green.

Moments after Mickelson hit his approach shot to 18, thousands of fans broke through police and security lines and stormed the 18th green.  Officials want to determine if the siege was in any way coordinated, and if eventual winner, Phil Mickelson, possibly encouraged the mob’s behavior through his play or his actions.

“All I know is after he hit that approach he started walking toward the green and gave a ‘thumbs up’.  That’s when all hell broke loose.  You tell me whether or not he was giving the ‘green light’ to the mob to do its thing,” said one anonymous official.

Another avenue of investigation will involve what, if any, role social media played in what seemed to be a highly coordinated siege of the closing hole at the Ocean Course at Kiawah Island.  Some have pointed to Saturday night chatter on Reddit and Facebook as proof that the storming of the green was preplanned and highly coordinated. 

At this time, authorities are reviewing tape in an effort to identify some of the principal offenders.  One individual of interest with whom authorities would like to speak is identified only as Beer Can Hat Dude.  He is visible in much of the footage handing out beers, cheering vociferously and inciting the crowd’s raucous behavior.  

After the match, Mickelson playing partner, Brooks Koepka, who at one point became engulfed by the frenzied mob, had little positive to say about the chaotic scene on the 18th hole.  

“It would have been cool if I didn’t have a knee injury and got dinged a few times in the knee in that crowd because no one really gave a s***, personally,” Koepka said.  

Indeed, another avenue of investigation will almost certainly look at why so few in the excited gallery were thinking of Koepka’s knee at the moment a 50-year-old Mickelson was on the verge of golfing history.