Portland – If there is something

Walmart to close two stores in Portland, putting 1500 shoplifters out of a job

Walmart has announced it will close its two remaining stores in Portland, Oregon, throwing 580 employees out of work and leaving over 1500 shoplifters scrambling to find another location to ply their trade. The retailer’s decision coincides with a mass departure of businesses from the city over underperforming revenue due to theft and other factors.

Reaction to the news was mixed with some shoplifters complaining that the large retail theft operations had made it nearly impossible for the smaller shoplifters to do business. “You got these big-time operations that come in here with their smash and grab mob and their dozens of vehicles and just wipe out the store’s whole stock, leaving just a few scraps for the small ‘mom and pop’ shoplifters to fight over. Now there ain’t going to be nothing. They ruined it for everybody,” said one man, identified only as Sneaky Pete.

Others complain this has been a ‘mom and pop’ conspiracy from the start. “Everybody knows that when these big-boxers moved in, they ran all the ‘mom and pop’ businesses out of the area. Now ask yourself, who benefits from these big retailers shutting down? That’s who’s been committing all these robberies. It’s the revenge of mom and pop,” said one disgruntled patron.

Meanwhile, at a nearby park a make-shift marketplace has sprung up specializing in “recovered retail.” One independent retailer seems unbothered by the news of the Walmart departure. “Come on by Five Finger Freddy’s. We got the lowest prices in town – guaranteed,” the man boasts.

Rioters and federal agents spotted sharing coffee and doughnut break in Portland

Video footage out of Portland might lead one to conclude that the entire city is embroiled in one sprawling melee. However, aside from a two block area that resembles war torn Sarajevo, it’s business as usual for the rest of the city as peace and calm reign. Break free of the tear gas, and your senses are welcomed by the scent of fresh baked scones. Turn away from the fires and blinding lights, and have your eyes dazzled by the sight of colorful flowers and festive balloons decorating the shops. In some areas of Portland, the streets even echo with laughter. Does anybody remember laughter?

Such was the scene as rioters and federal agents took time off from pummeling each other to go grab coffee and doughnuts in Portland Tuesday. Witnesses described the gathering as “spirited” as the group mostly swapped war stories from their weeks-long stand-off.

“The doughnuts are on Uncle Sam,” said an unmarked, unidentified federal agent as he passed out treats to the delight of agents and rioters. “Take all you want. The federal coffee and doughnut budget has no ‘holes’ in it,” the agent quipped to a chorus of sarcastic chuckles and groans.

According to witnesses, the group “joked” and “clowned around” as they mockingly recreated scenes from the previous night’s clash. One moment that seemed to elicit howls of laughter from the group saw a federal agent put a rioter in a headlock and smash doughnuts on his face.

Some onlookers questioned whether the opposing sides of such a bitter and important struggle should be carrying on like friends and colleagues.

“Aw shucks, we can’t be sore at each other 24/7,” said one masked anarchist. “Anyhoo, this isn’t our first go around. We’ve faced off against some of these guys dozens of times. After a while, you begin to form bonds and friendships. I’ve been invited to their homes for dinner. I’ve met their families.”

The feeling was mutual on the law enforcement side.

“Hey we just want these kids to be safe,” said one agent. “So we help them out. We check out their helmets, body armor and shields, and make sure all their equipment is functioning properly. Also, after a night of screaming and chaos, it’s important to get together like this and decompress, play cards and chill for a bit. Who said civil unrest has to be a total drag?”

After about an hour of camaraderie and spirited horseplay, the lead agent dismissed the group for the day. “Go home, get some rest and report to the staging area at 2100 hours. Let’s give ‘em a show tonight. The world is watching people. They’re sitting in their quiet living rooms looking to us to show them a path toward peace and justice. So come prepared to fuck shit up.”

New York Times reporter fact-checks milkshakes

In an extraordinary feat of journalism, New York Times reporter, Mike Baker, fact-checked the origins of each and every milkshake thrown at an anti-fascist rally held in Portland over the weekend. Thought to be the first of its kind reporting, the scrappy journalist verified the ingredients and provenance of the numerous creamy milkshakes flying around Saturday’s event.

The revelation that may end up winning the ground-breaking reporter a Pulitzer, though, is the news that all of the milkshakes hurled at a journalist covering the event were vegan in origin. “I thought it was important that we get that information out there as soon as possible,” says Baker. “I didn’t know if the attacked journalist was vegan or not, but I thought it would be important to let him know that the milkshakes that drenched him did not contain animal products. I felt perhaps that might take some of the sting out of the pummeling he took.”

What makes Baker’s work even more extraordinary is that he’s changing the way we talk about ‘milkshaking’. “Early on, my editor and I made a decision not to use ‘milkshake’ as a verb. I am fully aware of the tradition and the higher standard we have to uphold here at The New York Times. That is why instead of using ‘milkshake’ as a verb, which is still relatively new and untested, we decided to go with ‘slimed’. ‘Slimed’ has a bit more history and seemed a more appropriate choice for the pages of The Times,” says Baker.

Mike’s editor maintains the pair don’t deserve any special credit for their work. “It’s just good old-fashioned reporting,” says Mike’s editor. “It’s making phone calls, running down leads, and developing sources. I mean, at the end of the day, we fact-checked the shit out of those milkshakes.”

New York Times runs Antifa PR piece

In case anyone has been operating under the misconception that a journalist was violently assaulted by Antifa protesters in Portland on Saturday, the New York Times’ Mike Baker is here to set the record straight. Or, rather, he’s here to fill your head with enough extraneous nonsense to give those in denial about left-wing extremism and violence any number of paths to continue believing there is no problem here. His piece in Monday’s edition, “In Portland, a Punch and a Milkshake Rumor Feed a Fresh Round of Police Criticism,” reads like a release from Antifa’s public relations department. In it he essentially asserts that the journalist assaulted basically had it coming, that the incident is only of interest to conservative politicians and media outlets, that the Portland Police are in cahoots with right-wing groups, and left-wing protesters were really only interested in having a milkshake dance party.

What are we to make of protesters who show up for a demonstration clad in makeshift riot gear? That these are individuals who were just sitting at home one Saturday and decided to head downtown to protest the fascists. They’re not an organized group itching for a fight or anything. Everybody has black helmets and body armor hanging in their closet. Give credit to the NYT for running the photo of the anti-fascist fascists, but their caption reads “Multiple groups demonstrated in downtown Portland, Ore., on Saturday.” Not only does the NYT not identify these demonstrators as Antifa, but not once does Baker mention the group’s name in the entire piece. The only time they are identified is in a quote of Andy Ngo’s attorney.

Baker does concede that Ngo was struck by a black-clad activist, going beyond what a lot of mainstream outlets reported. Many MSM reports preferred to let it seem like the journalist was just heavily milkshaked. Amazing that the word “milkshake” is now a verb and accepted by many on the mainstream left as a perfectly acceptable thing to do to someone. Baker, however, avoids using “milkshake” as a verb in his article and instead writes that Ngo was “slimed” with “vegan coconut milkshakes”. Very considerate of him to point out that the milkshakes were vegan, in case Ngo happens to be vegan himself. It takes a little bit of the sting out of being milkshaked when you know that the projectile doesn’t contain any animal products. Although, one wonders how Baker knew that the specific milkshakes that struck Ngo were vegan coconut. Did the New York Times thoroughly fact check all those milkshakes?

Baker does seem pretty confident, however, in claiming that the milkshakes did not contain quick drying concrete. He describes as “questionable” the Portland Police warning that the milkshakes contained cement, and that this claim fueled “conservative alarm” and “dramatically fueled the furor”. Nothing to see here folks, Baker seems to be reassuring NYT readers. This is just a bunch of conservatives getting their panties all in a bunch.

Baker goes on to question Ngo’s work as a journalist, dropping hints that he and the publications he works for produce racist content. Also, he spends a couple paragraphs making the case that the Portland Police have a history of colluding with right-wing extremists. At this point, if I’m a leftist frequent reader of the New York Times even the slightest bit concerned about groups and elements at the extreme of my political ideology, I’m beginning to drift back into my comfort zone. I’m thinking, okay, this is all a manufactured crisis and Ngo is just getting what’s coming to him. After all, as Baker writes, “He (Ngo) has a history of battling with anti-fascist groups” and “has built a prominent presence in part by going into situations where there may be conflict and then publicizing the results.”

Okay, so he’s not really a journalist, he’s a right wing provocateur. Well, that explains it. Because that’s what they said about Jamal Kashoggi, right? He had a history of battling with the Saudi Royal family. And that’s what they say about correspondents in conflict zones. They’re just publicity hounds, right?

After trashing a journalist and totally discrediting the police, Mr. Baker would like Times readers to know that anti-fascist activists are just a bunch of fun-loving, peaceful party people who want to drink milkshakes and dance. While reserving a healthy amount of skepticism for the police account of the incident, Baker seems to accept on faith information gathered from the Rose City Antifa affiliated group, PopMob. According to one member of the group, they were simply “having an entertaining counterprotest building off Pride month.” And those milkshakes: “they were vegan milkshakes made not of cement, but of coconut ice cream, cashew milk and some sprinkles.” A credulous Baker barely even addresses the glaring reality that milkshakes are currently the preferred method of humiliating conservatives and right-wingers. They were clearly dispensed with the intent of hurling them at their opponents, including Mr. Ngo who was targeted with a barrage of them.

It is one thing to write a piece that avoids leaping to conclusions and reporting unverified facts. It is quite another to omit facts, engage in irrelevant personal and professional attacks, and deliberately mislead. Is Baker really so beholden to ideology and obligated to protect the left and readers of the NYT that it extends all the way to doing public relations for a group of violent thugs? Perhaps, or maybe he just wants to stay on Antifa’s good side. Hmm, wonder why?

Competing BDSM rallies clash in Portland

Boycott, Divest, Sanction Movement members clashed with Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism advocates at concurrent rallies in Portland today. No arrests were reported as Portland Police have been instructed not to engage protesters for any reason. Accounts of the incident vary and it is not completely clear how the two groups came to be rallying at the same location.

According to reports, a call went out on Facebook for BDS members to rally at a popular Portland municipal park. Boycott, Divest, Sanction Movement members took that as a cue to collect their protest signs and banners and gather at the park. Simultaneously, Bondage, Dominance, Sadism practitioners rounded up their shackles, chains and leather objects and made their way to the meeting place as well. Many in the group thought the Masochists had been intentionally not invited to the rally as the members are always looking to recruit new masochists of which to shame and humiliate.

Witnesses report when the two groups encountered each other, the BDSM members viewed the relatively docile and compliant BDS Movement members as a fresh batch of submissives of which to dominate, and quickly had them shackled and bound. At least initially, the BDS Movement members went along with charade thinking it dramatized the plight of the oppressed people they represent. However, once the BDS Movement members realized their predicament, they began virtue signalling, shouting “Oh bondage! Up yours!” and directing the full fury of their moral outrage at the BDSM members. Not used to being so ruthlessly shamed and humiliated, the Dominants and Sadists fled like crying bullies who’d just been handed their comeuppance.

Experts believe the posting on Facebook may have been the work of Russian intelligence operatives designed to sow discord among various American political and erotic role playing groups. If it was a Russian psyop, it failed miserably as comments on social media indicate most of the participants viewed the rally as a success and expressed a willingness to conduct further joint exercises by the two groups. Apparently the Russians underestimate the average Americans ability to seamlessly integrate their social justice with their fetishistic role playing.