Bloomberg demonstrates fitness to be president – spends half a billion dollars and has nothing to show for it

“Slow down and let the leader lead.”  Indeed, the Mike Bloomberg campaign has done something no one thought possible.  Capping off an historic three month spending blitzkrieg, the campaign can now point to its victory in American Samoa and proclaim, “Money well spent!”

Former crack addicts, chronic gamblers and recovering alcoholics looked on in envy, thinking, “I wasted fifteen years of my life on hookers and blow when, if I had applied myself, in just three months I could have amassed a handful of delegates for the Democratic nomination to be President of the United States.”  

As Wednesday morning dawned across America, many voters wondered if the pacific islanders might not be onto something.  After all, how could one better demonstrate one’s fitness to be president than by recklessly hurling stacks of cash at an intended outcome only to have nothing to show for the effort?

“Mike Bloomberg would make a first rate commander-in-chief,” says former Deputy Defense Secretary Casper Swinetrough.  “Anyone who could potentially be that careless with America’s pocketbook has got my vote. And, by the way, I’ve got several foreign military interventions we could invest in.  Additionally, I’ve got a list of a dozen or so nations in various states of disrepair that could use some rebuilding.”