President Biden – If there is something

Ice Cream Joe to pull chocolate milk from schools

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is considering a ban on chocolate milk for elementary and middle school students. The USDA claims the added sugar content of flavored milk is too high and can be as much as soda.

Asked to comment on the proposed ban, President Joe Biden deftly sidestepped the issue.

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m Dr. Jill Biden’s husband and I eat Jeni’s ice cream — chocolate chip,” Biden said between licks on a freshly scooped cone. “I came down because I heard there was chocolate chip ice cream. By the way, I have a whole refrigerator full upstairs. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.”

The move to ban chocolate milk comes as federal regulators continue their quest to make school lunches as bland and devoid of nutrition as humanly possible.

However, dairy advocates say flavored milk provides vital calcium, potassium and vitamin D lacking in most kids’ diets.

“As I’ve told my distinguished friend from Massachusetts – a good friend, Senator Markey – it’s really very, very dull when after all these years in public life, you’re known for two things: Ray-Ban sunglasses and chocolate chip ice cream. Very dull president,” Biden said, continuing to dance around the issue.

In addition to America’s children, the administration seeks to steer President Biden himself toward a more healthy diet that includes more fish and veggies. As Axios recently reported, “Some Biden aides have long noted that he eats ‘like a child,’ with a food palette that skews beige.”

Clearly, the bright individuals in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue believe our nation’s president and our nation’s youth need to stop skewing brown or beige and develop a more mature food palette.

Whatever the administration and the USDA decide, the big guy pledged his support by issuing another ice cream metaphor, “Let’s go. Let’s go lick the world. Let’s get it done.”

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon. The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries. If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary. Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up.

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government. “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful. California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry. “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies. A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

Biden administration seeks ban on 4-slice toasters

Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.

The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.

Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.

California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.

A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.

When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”

In an effort to combat inflation, President Biden faces intense pressure to lower legal age for claiming senior discounts

President Biden is under growing pressure from the left-wing of his party to lower the legal age at which one can claim a senior discount from 55 to 48.

Facing a potential shellacking in the upcoming midterm elections due to rising inflation, Democrats are imploring the president to issue an executive order as soon as possible.

In most states the legal age for senior discounts varies between 55 and 62. Congressional Democrats are calling for a national senior discount age that could potentially alleviate the pain of inflation for millions of Americans.

“We need a senior discount age that protects Americans across the nation. We’re all seniors now. Lower each state to 48,” Senator Elizabeth Warren lobbied the president.

Adding to the urgency, business owners have seen a sharp rise in the number of individuals who do not qualify claiming senior discounts at the point of purchase.

The problem has gotten so out of hand that county prosecutors are vowing to prosecute offenders to the fullest extent of the law.

“We’re prepared to throw the book at ‘em,” said Los Angeles District Attorney George Gascon, reacting to criticism that he’s soft on crime. “We’ve got several informants working in various establishments keeping us plugged in to who are the worst offenders. We caught a 25-year-old wearing a silver wig and trying to order off the senior menu. We got a 32-year-old on camera using a walker and wearing a thrift store get up to claim a ten percent discount at the supermarket.”

However, New York DA Alvin Bragg has a different suggestion for those wishing to get a head start on their golden years: “Why don’t you just go in there and steal what you need?”

Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee.

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.

Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho.

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots. However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed. Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden. Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket. “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for? This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo. Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak. You’re fired.”

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance. “Look at you, man. You got crumbs all over your shirt. Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog? And your trousers have stains all over the front. I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle. You’re through. Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing. “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.

Biden blinding America with science

Since his inauguration President Joe Biden and his team have blinded Americans with a dizzying array of head-spinning science. In a week that included Dr. Anthony Fauci invoking the Great Spirit of Science during a White House ceremony, Biden floored the nation with his picks for America’s science dream team.

Heading the list is OSTP director pick, Eric Lander, who Biden lured over from the Human Genome Project after trading away former Office of Science and Technology Policy director and meteorologist Kelvin Droegemeier.

“With Lander you’re getting a real heavy hitter in the science world. He’s a biology professor at MIT and Harvard Medical School. Also, he’s a mathematician and geneticist who founded an institute that does that gene-editing CRISPR shit. The man’s not a mad scientist, but he’s got mad scientific skills,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Other picks for the science dream team include: Alondra Nelson as OSTP deputy director for science and society; Frances H. Arnold and Maria Zuber as co-chairs of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology; Dr. Francis Collins as director of the National Institutes of Health; Kei Koizumi as OSTP chief of staff; and Narda Jones as OSTP legislative affairs director.

“Science will always be at the forefront of my administration and these world-renowned scientists will ensure everything we do is grounded in science, facts, and the truth,” said President Biden. “This team represents the top tier of talent in the scientific community. The American people can rest assured this crew will science the shit out of everything that’s scienceable.”

Concluding the ceremony, White House science shaman Dr. Anthony Fauci offered a blessing and laid his hands on each member of the science team, conferring upon them exceptional powers of rationality, reason and understanding. “Now go, my little doves, seek truth. Let the science speak…good heavens, Kamala Harris, you’re beautiful!”

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken.

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become. “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure. “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land. Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born. Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.”

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19. “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days. This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day. However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”