Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. 

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”  

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots.  However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

G7 leaders gather to record rousing rendition of All You Need Is Doom

Leaders of the Group of Seven Industrialized nations have been cranking out hit after hit since coming together in Brussels this week.  On Thursday, they signaled their unity by assembling for a photo-op and spontaneously bursting into an impromptu performance of their international smash hit All You Need Is Doom.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was the first to seize the microphone and issue a stern warning to humanity: 

“There’s nothing you can say that can’t be unsaid,

Nothing you can spend that can’t be unspent,

Listen to us and you can learn how to be you in time,

It’s easy.”

Addressing a group of reporters at a news conference in Brussels, Biden delivered a stirring address to the people of all nations:  “It’s going to be real.  The price of the sanctions is not just imposed upon Russia. It’s imposed upon an awful lot of countries as well, including European countries and our country as well.”

Glimpsing the sacrifice world leaders were willing to make, the people of the world at once sensed their duty to all go hungry together.  Then Biden kicked a hole in the speaker, grabbed the mic and sang:

“No one you can lead that can’t be unled,

No one you can feed that can’t be unfed,

Nothing you can do but you can play the game by the rules,

It’s easy.”

Then the rest of the Group of Seven joined Biden for the chorus, singing, “All you need is doom,” as they closed out the meeting.

Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.  

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed.  Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden.  Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.  

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket.  “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for?  This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo.  Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak.  You’re fired.”  

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance.  “Look at you, man.  You got crumbs all over your shirt.  Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog?  And your trousers have stains all over the front.  I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle.  You’re through.  Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing.  “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.

Biden blinding America with science

Since his inauguration President Joe Biden and his team have blinded Americans with a dizzying array of head-spinning science.  In a week that included Dr. Anthony Fauci invoking the Great Spirit of Science during a White House ceremony, Biden floored the nation with his picks for America’s science dream team.  

Heading the list is OSTP director pick, Eric Lander, who Biden lured over from the Human Genome Project after trading away former Office of Science and Technology Policy director and meteorologist Kelvin Droegemeier.

“With Lander you’re getting a real heavy hitter in the science world.  He’s a biology professor at MIT and Harvard Medical School.  Also, he’s a mathematician and geneticist who founded an institute that does that gene-editing CRISPR shit.  The man’s not a mad scientist, but he’s got mad scientific skills,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Other picks for the science dream team include:  Alondra Nelson as OSTP deputy director for science and society; Frances H. Arnold and Maria Zuber as co-chairs of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology; Dr. Francis Collins as director of the National Institutes of Health; Kei Koizumi as OSTP chief of staff; and Narda Jones as OSTP legislative affairs director.

“Science will always be at the forefront of my administration and these world-renowned scientists will ensure everything we do is grounded in science, facts, and the truth,” said President Biden.  “This team represents the top tier of talent in the scientific community.  The American people can rest assured this crew will science the shit out of everything that’s scienceable.” 

Concluding the ceremony, White House science shaman Dr. Anthony Fauci offered a blessing and laid his hands on each member of the science team, conferring upon them exceptional powers of rationality, reason and understanding.  “Now go, my little doves, seek truth.  Let the science speak…good heavens, Kamala Harris, you’re beautiful!”

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”