Declining attendance at fitness centers indicates many Americans have already achieved their New Year’s fitness goals

As the first month of 2022 draws to a close, it has become apparent that many Americans who resolved to get back in shape this year have done so in record time.  Indeed, these gym warriors hit it hard for the first couple weeks of January, causing attendance at many locations to double or even triple.  Having transformed themselves in record time, many January gym rats are already hanging up their shorts and checking another resolution off their list.

“I set a pretty ambitious goal this year to get in better shape than I was in 2021,” said Cal Thomas, member at Fantastic Fitness.  “I managed to achieve that goal in about three workouts.  Needless to say, with Covid and all, I was pretty inactive in 2021.  Next year I hope to double my current fitness level by going for six.”

Gym memberships swelled the first week of January, leaving many year-round regulars having to adjust their fitness routines.  Access to facilities and equipment was temporarily hampered by the influx, but now seems to be opening back up.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Joe Buck.  “We’re all about rapid results.  It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Ageing rock stars suffering under Covid rockdown restrictions

Rockdown restrictions appear to be taking their toll on some of our most beloved ageing rock stars.  Most recently, a cantankerous Neil Young insisted Spotify remove his catalog from its service saying he won’t share the platform with the likes of Joe Rogan.  In a letter to his management team, Young wrote:  “I want you to let Spotify know immediately TODAY that I want all my music off their platform. They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.”

In the letter, the “Rockin’ in the Free World” composer reveals the source of his displeasure with the popular streaming service.  “I am doing this because Spotify is spreading fake information about vaccines – potentially causing death to those who believe the disinformation being spread by them. Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule.”

Some say Mr. Young’s frustration with Spotify has even spilled over into his music.  According to fans at a recent event, Young took aim at the streaming giant when he altered some of his lyrics to sing, “We need a kinder, gentler speech ban hand.”  

Then there is Eric Clapton, for whom it all came into focus, when he first discovered mass formation hypnosis.   “I didn’t get the memo, whatever the memo was, it hadn’t reached me. Then I started to realize there was really a memo… It’s great, you know, the theory of mass hypnosis formation. And I could see it then. Once I started to look for it, I saw it everywhere.” 

Not you, Slowhand and Shaky.  Gentlemen, the politics of this shit is poison.  It’ll destroy your brain.  Please, do something constructive.  Snort a few lines of blow, pick up your guitars and get back about the business of rock and roll.  “She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie…”

Spotify inks $100 deal for exclusive rights to 270 Doctors Podcast

Champagne glasses were clinking this morning after executives at Spotify announced they’d reached an agreement following days of intense negotiations with the 270 doctors.  The deal covers six months and will reportedly pay the 270 doctors $100 for exclusive rights to stream their podcast.

Spotify had come under intense pressure in recent days after 270 doctors issued an open letter criticizing the streaming service for allowing the Joe Rogan podcast to spread “dangerous” Covid misinformation.  Hoping to avoid a public relations nightmare, Spotify entered into negotiations with the doctors and eventually agreed to give them their own show.  The show will focus primarily on combating Covid misinformation but may also occasionally weigh in on some of the false messaging surrounding Mixed Martial Arts.   

The 270 doctors, who it is universally acknowledged on Twitter and in the mainstream media represent the entire medical establishment, reads like a who’s who of public health heavy hitters.  They are doctors, scientists, veterinarians, psychologists and medical students raising their collective voices to put an end to the escalating Covid “infodemic.”  However, promotion by the mainstream press, cable news and social media platforms is no match for taking on the powerful Joe Rogan machine.  The doctors hope their new podcast will once and for all put an end to the lies, so the American people can get back on the same page, guided exclusively by the thoughtful, uniformed, non contradictory messaging of the nation’s public health apparatus.

The deal also extended a .1 percent cut of the revenue generated from the avalanche of downloads of Spotify and the Joe Rogan podcast resulting from the 270 doctors letter controversy.

Asked for comment, Rogan seemed a little shaken by news of the new show, as if the 270 Doctors Podcast represented a potential threat to his empire of lies and falsehoods.  “Good for them.  I hope they’ll have me on their show.  We can hang out and smoke a big J.” 

Researchers discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock.  Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.  

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery.  In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.  

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute.  “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick.  Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on.  We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock.  I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.” 

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay.  “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics.  We had no idea what would happen.  Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”  

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock.  “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance.  Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”