Month: April 2020

Trump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy

Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy.  The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President. 

“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field.  His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary.  Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.

The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.      

“The fake news can kiss my ass.  I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland.  While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases.  You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.   

Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years. 

“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits.  Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’  President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.

In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.  

“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas.  Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread.  We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced. 

Authorities to perform welfare checks on America’s celebrities

Celebrities around the country have been having a pretty rough time of it lately.  Social media postings reveal desperate Hollywood stars, descended from their heavenly spheres, crying out to the world like they’ve fallen and they can’t get up.  

The sight of so many famous people struggling in their homes has prompted a number of local law enforcement agencies to perform welfare checks on the stars.  “We’ve been getting a lot of calls from folks worried about certain celebrities,” says Bob Stack, spokesperson for the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “People are concerned for the well-being of the most famous and well-off among us.”

Videos of frightened and vulnerable celebrities have been popping up all over the internet these days.  One distressing video shows a veteran pop music icon appearing alone in her bathtub, naked and afraid. Another viral video shows a group of A-Listers, some in tears, taking turns singing John Lennon’s “Imagine.” 

“Well, what I think we are seeing from the Hollywood elite is a massive cry for help,” says Dr. Andrew McGill, a therapist in Beverly Hills.  “Some of these celebs are confined to their luxurious, sprawling mansions with only a personal assistant, a cook, a physical trainer and a diminished crew of support staff to look after them.  They are vulnerable and they need our help.” 

That’s where the LA Sheriffs step in.  “We’ll be knocking on doors and checking in on as many famous people as possible in the coming weeks,” says Stack.  “Also, we urge the public, if you’re aware of a celebrity in need of help, don’t hesitate to let us know. We’ll send a squad car over to check on them.  And thanks to the generous donations of some of the world’s most successful companies, we’ll be distributing swag bags containing over a hundred thousand dollars worth of goodies to help our celebrity friends muddle through these difficult times.”    

Essential worker confounded by narrow halls, cramped stairwells, and tight doorways

Expected to go into work every day because some higher up got it in their head to classify him as an essential worker, Herb Bumstead’s route through his office building to his desk each morning is like navigating a social distancing minefield.  The hallway to his office is not wide enough to permit six feet of clearance between himself and an approaching coworker. Herb compensates for the close quarters by darting from doorway to doorway, letting others pass, and only proceeding when the coast is clear.  Dodging a lingering vapor cloud can be a bit tricky, but like a nimble cat burglar, Herb holds his breath and spider crawls or cart wheels from recess to doorway to alcove until the threat has passed. Should a group of workers from another office enter the hall and converge on Herb, he temporarily aborts the mission by ducking into a restroom or maintenance closet.        

Social-distancing is a great idea in theory, but the reality of physical space conspires to herd us together.  For Herb, a cramped stairwell is the worst. Encountering a single-file group of four engaged in a lively conversation while descending the stairway could potentially expose Herb to the lingering vapor cloud of their chatter for nearly an entire flight of stairs.  Efforts to hold his breath for an entire flight have caused Herb, in a number of instances, to pass out before reaching the upper landing. On occasion, Herb will turn tail, bound back down the steps to the bottom and wait for the group to exit the stairwell. But often this scenario quickly devolves into a Buster Keaton-esque routine where multiple attempts to reach the top of the stairs are turned back by yet another group, sending Herb careening back down to the bottom again.

For Herb, corners and doorways represent a thoroughly confusing ordeal, requiring not a small amount of telepathic communication.  Approaching a doorway, Herb sometimes senses a presence approaching from the opposite direction, prompting him to halt a safe distance from the door in order that the presence might pass without violating the six foot rule.  The only problem is the presence is often standing six feet clear of the other side of the door waiting for Herb to do the same. Says Herb, “It seems our extra-sensory abilities only extend so far. We can detect conscious beings in our vicinity, but we’ve not yet acquired the ability to communicate our intentions.”  Unless, of course, we just shout, “Coming through!”

Stuck at home, man explores strange new sedentary realms

After struggling for weeks to adjust to the new government mandated stay-at-home routine, Ray Harris can finally report he’s achieved a near perfect state of blissful inactivity.  Accustomed to “hitting the ground running” everyday, Ray initially bristled at the idea of being “cooped up” 24/7. After all, his friends called him Free Bird, and everybody knows “this bird you cannot change.”   

But Ray eventually did change, and, as he’d heard good things, decided to see what this Netflix business was all about.  Soon, however, the act of scrolling and searching for new programs to watch seemed like a lot of unnecessary effort. Reading and turning the pages of books became a tedious exercise.  Even following the superficial disputes between guests of daytime talk shows required way more brain power than Ray was willing to expend. At that moment, Ray made up his mind to embrace idleness in a manner never before thought humanly possible.   

One day, Ray acquainted himself with an ant that had somehow, improbably, found its way to his upper story bathroom.  The ant had been hanging out there for days, and often greeted Ray at the sink, standing on its hind legs whenever Ray popped in for a brisk hand-washing.  The old Action Ray would have smashed the interloper with a kleenex and flushed him down the toilet. But Idle Ray had come to enjoy their brief exchanges, sometimes spending hours seated on the edge of the bathtub watching the ant explore its surroundings, wondering why the tiny adventurer had left his posse down at ground level to scale the plumbing up to the second floor.

Soon Ray began spending extended periods of his day sitting as still as possible.  The combination of extreme social-distancing and intense inactivity allowed Ray to achieve what can only be described as a state of sedentary nirvana.  He was able to slow the electrical activity in his muscles to a weak trickle, and his calorie-burn rate dropped to well under one per minute. His muscles started to atrophy at three times the normal rate, and the neural activity in his brain began to dim like a rolling blackout.  

Just then, before he could commence the process of shedding years from the end of his life, Ray felt a light tickling on his nose.  He wanted to scratch it, but remembered the prohibition against touching one’s face and stopped himself. Instead, he opened his eyes, and strained mightily to cross them and focus inward on the end of his nose.  There he saw the ant standing on its hind legs, shaking four fists, and berating him for God knows what. Ants can be such sanctimonious bastards. Ants also work like hell. This little fella was probably giving him shit for his unfathomable laziness.  Having stood at the edge and stared into the abyss, Ray withdrew and thanked his little buddy for saving him from couch potato oblivion.