Patriot Girl Dolls flying off the shelves this holiday season

Rocketing to the top of Amazon’s hottest selling Christmas gifts this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll.  Popular retailers like Wal-Mart and Target sell out of the sassy little freedom fighters as soon as they hit the shelves.

Patriot Girl Dolls come outfitted in a red, white and blue camouflage patterned jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 rifle right out the box.  Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3.  Also, for a limited time, retailers are offering a Patriot Girl pocket Bill of Rights with every purchase.

On the flipside, retailers are having a devil of a time interesting the public in Patty the Activist Girl Doll.  Standard with every Patty Doll is a revolution backpack filled with a mouthwatering assortment of vegan snacks.  Also, each Patty Doll comes with an audio chip ready to record your target for cancellation.  Just tell Patty the name of whoever makes your blood boil and listen to her chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas) has got to go.”

The holiday’s biggest bust would have to be the Sam Bankman-Fried Doll.  Several shipping containers full of the disgraced former FTX CEO are sitting in the Port of Long Beach after plans to retail the dolls were put on hold following the collapse of FTX.  Currently, the SBF dollmaker is pursuing plans to repurpose the doll by dying its hair red, applying funny make-up and marketing it as Sammy the Crypto Clown.

Long Beach officials announce plans for new offshore outlet mall

Officials in Long Beach, California today announced plans for an ambitious new offshore outlet shopping mall.  Developers and city officials hope the project, tentatively titled Bargain Barge Offshore Outlet, will serve a dual purpose.  First they plan to take advantage of all the sparsely utilized and underdeveloped aquatic space sitting offshore.  Second, they hope to alleviate the growing backlog of cargo ships waiting to dock at Long Beach ports.    

“Never before in history has anything like this been attempted – a floating outlet mall.  Shoppers will be able to board a barge, retailers will fling open the container doors and patrons will have access to all the latest products and styles at wholesale prices,” said Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia.  

Developers see the project as a means of delivering the absolute rock bottom lowest prices to the consumer. 

“We’ve quite literally cut out the middle men,” said project developer Rod Michael.  “No shipping companies or Amazon distribution taking their usual cut.  This product is direct from the manufacturer.  We’re calling it ‘China Fresh.’” 

Naturally, dock workers, distributors and some retailers are not pleased with the announcement.  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has already threatened to deploy his flying phallic rocket ship to torpedo any barge that opens its doors to the general public.  

Developers and city officials hope to break seawater on the project in the coming months with shopping to commence in time for Christmas.