Month: April 2019

Democrats hope to ride prisoner voting issue all the way to the White House

Some say President Trump is pretty adept at creating and deploying memes to his advantage.  Not so fast, say Democrats, we think we’ve discovered a way to beat the president at his own game.  Bernie Sanders, AOC and members of the MSM are having an important conversation about extending voting rights to the incarcerated.  Many media experts think this could be the issue to carry Democrats into the White House in 2020.

“We think this is an issue voters care about,” says a former aide to Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.  “This is what we in the Beltway Bubble call a ‘kitchen table issue’. I personally don’t supper at a kitchen table.  I usually dine out with political power players. But I understand most Americans talk politics at their kitchen tables, and we think prisoner voting is front and center of those discussions.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thinks the conversation is important “To avoid looking completely + utterly out of touch w/ the reality our prison system.”  Many analysts agree this is a shrewd move on the part of AOC, seizing the issue before the Democrat’s opponents have an opportunity to define it on their terms and use it to their advantage.

Even AOC’s chief of staff is weighing in on the debate.  However, Saikat Chakrabarti doesn’t want the issue to get too bogged down in nuance, but rather should be summed up in an easy to understand meme.  “”Unlock the Vote’. I envision a Democratic Convention where ‘Unlock the Vote’ is a near constant chant. This is the kind of thing that’s going to carry Dems into the White House.”

However the Democrats decide to deploy this winning strategy, they know one thing is for certain, many thousands of inmates will be grateful to them for restoring their right to vote.  Said one inmate, “Do I look like the kind of person who votes to you? I’ve never voted a day in my life. Politicians can go fuck themselves.”

Increasing numbers of Americans discovering the health benefits of Rage Tweeting

The fury was palpable.  Veins seemed to bulge and sweat seemed to drip from the text. Such was the condition of a number of tweets President Trump dashed off a few mornings ago, attacking Democrats, CNN, Morning Joe, and the New York Times.  Many describe the president as “unhinged”. Of course, many of those same people describe folks who get up at the crack of dawn to jog, swim, or work out at the gym also as crazy.  But when the president receives perfect physical evaluations year after year, one starts to wonder if those morning tweetstorms are more than just the ravings of a madman. Perhaps they partially account for what his personal physician describes as Trump’s “extraordinary” physical strength and stamina, making him “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Does Rage Tweeting have the potential to become the next Jane Fonda Workout, Sweatin’ to the Oldies, or Hip Hop Abs?  The science is still unsettled, but one thing is clear, increasing numbers of Americans are turning to Rage Tweeting to shed those unwanted pounds and boost their energy and focus.

“I find Rage Tweeting works really well for me.  It gives me a jumpstart to my day. It gets my heart rate elevated and my blood flowing better than just about anything else I’ve tried,” says Tonia Glavin, professor at NYU.  “Additionally, I like to supplement it with some microdosing, which I find really sharpens my outrage and helps me connect with my students.”

It’s not uncommon for Rage Tweeters to discover untapped stores of energy and hostility. Many require less sleep and some even report a loss of appetite, which in turn can lead to weight reduction.  While results may vary, almost all Rage Tweeters agree the practice has transformed their lives.

“Rage Tweeting has helped me make better lifestyle choices.  I’m no longer interacting with those enablers who held me captive to my former rage-free lifestyle.  Now, I’m part of a new community that’s a lot less tolerant of my shortcomings and bad habits. By shaming me to do better and be better, it’s improved my life, I think,” says writer and activist Daniel Assman.

Of course, there will always be detractors, naysayers and wet blankets.  “Rage Tweeting provides no beneficial health benefits that I can see,” says Dr. Bruce Banner, researcher at the University of Michigan.  

But the science is still out on that, right doc?  “No, the science is pretty clear. Rage Tweeting can actually be quite harmful.  It causes unnecessary stress and anxiety, and can eventually lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation and extreme paranoia.  In severe cases, some Rage Tweeters seem to experience a psychotic break from reality.”

So it seems the science still has a long way to go before the benefits of Rage Tweeting can be fully understood.  Until then, keep ragin’ full-on.

Pete Buttigieg powers past Pete Davidson to become most popular Pete

Riding a wave of public interest in his campaign for the 2020 Democratic Presidential nomination, South Bend Mayor, Pete Buttigieg, recently surpassed Pete Davidson as most popular Pete.  Davidson previously held the top Pete position for 88 straight weeks with Dinklage, Frampton and Pan rounding out the top five.

Davidson dominated the most popular Pete category thanks in no small part to his highly publicized relationships with such celebrities as Ariana Grande and Kate Beckinsale.  No one is entirely certain what Pete Davidson does other than date famous women and appear on late night talk shows. Davidson’s connections to such famous individuals makes the ascendency of a midwestern mayor to top of the Petes even more improbable.

Many point to Mayor Pete’s inclusive, laid back politics and his marriage to former middle school teacher, Chasten Glezman, as the primary drivers of the mayor’s popularity.

“Pete picked a perfect partner for promoting his policies and presidential aspirations,” adds Pete’s publicist.  “Pete’s politics range from progressive to pragmatic, and his pointed attacks on the President and VP Pence have put him in an ideal position heading into the presidential primaries.”

Asked to comment on his slip to number two, Davidson only responded that he’s working on learning several new languages and considering dating a middle school teacher.

Peter Piper, the all-time record holder for number of weeks as most popular Pete, could not be reached for comment.

MAGA hats under attack

The following is the second installment in our A World Awash in Bullshit series.  I didn’t publish the first installment because the subject is such a powder keg of explosive bullshit that it’s not worth the trouble of posting.

From the “live but don’t let other people live, but instead fuck with them hard” file, comes a recent spate of attacks involving MAGA hat wearers.  No, it isn’t MAGA hatters run amuck, perpetrating hate crimes and leaving behind a trail of murder and mayhem. It’s folks going about their daily lives wearing MAGA gear and getting harassed and assaulted by so-called tolerant, anti-racism, anti-hate individuals for whom the first amendment apparently means, “freedom of speech, just watch what you say.”

Most recently, a Mexican-American woman was attacked in a California post office for wearing a MAGA hat.  The perpetrator, a woke white woman, taught this brown lady a lesson in racism by hurling insults at her and smacking her around.  We know this because the MAGA hat lady got it all on video.

This incident is just one of a number of attacks that have taken place just in the last few months.  In Massachusetts, a woman was arrested in February for battery and disorderly conduct after harassing a man and grabbing his MAGA hat.  In Oklahoma, a high school boy is confronted by another high schooler who takes his MAGA hat and his Trump 2020 sign and throws them on the floor.  This incident took place in the high school hall and was captured by cell phone video. In New Jersey, a 19 year old male threw an 81 year old man to the ground for the offense of wearing a MAGA hat.  The teenager faces assault and harassment charges.

Wearing MAGA hats while shopping resulted in one Kentucky couple being given the finger and having a .40 caliber Glock stuck in their face.  The perpetrator allegedly threatened, “It’s a good day for you to die.” He’s been charged with first-degree wanton endangerment. Even a sword wielding MAGA hatter who slashed another man’s hand in San Francisco was provoked when the man knocked his MAGA hat to the ground.  As he drew his sword, the MAGA hatter was heard to mutter, “You have besmirched my honor, rogue. Now you shall have a taste of my steel,” – not really.

These are just the incidents where charges were filed and/or the attacks were caught on video, and all happened within the last two months.  There are many other reported episodes of harassment. Try googling “MAGA hat attack”. Almost every result involves a MAGA hat wearer coming under harassment and assault by someone who’s going to teach them why Trump is so terrible.

Of course the feather in the MAGA cap event that preceded the ones described above involved a group of MAGA hat wearing teenage boys from Covington Catholic High School in Kentucky.  One member of this group became the target of widespread media hostility and public antagonism from the left for allegedly smirking at a Native American. We now know the narrative the media originally spun was almost entirely false and that it was the MAGA teens who were the victims of racial and homophobic insults.  But what if the media’s original accusations had turned out to be accurate? Would the MAGA hatted teens really have deserved the media and public pile-on they received from folks on the left? Is it really okay to dox and advocate violence against a smirking teen who’s wearing a MAGA hat, or to call for their lives to be ruined?  Isn’t a high school kid, of all people, deserving of a break for an ill-advised smirk? I mean, he didn’t physically assault the man or even verbally assault him. Where is this MAGA hat derangement coming from? Personally, I can’t help but cringe every time I encounter someone wearing it. But there is simply no equivalence between the MAGA hat and a KKK hood or a swastika, so this is a call for people on the left to quit acting like a bunch of frightened lunatics when you see it.   

At this point, I wanted to launch into an impassioned plea for a more “live and let live” attitude by folks on the left.  I was going to hearken back to days gone by when the left was the place where tolerance and free thought found a welcoming home.  Where freedom of speech was sacred and people weren’t so convinced of their rightness and the other guy’s wrongness, or at least we could respect each other’s ideological differences.  

But then, like a song you can’t get out of your head, my thoughts were invaded by the shrill voices of scores of SJWs, LWIs, and woke activists shouting at me that I’m wrong.  Well they must be right, I thought, because they’re so damn loud and irritating. It’s a new day, there’s too much at stake. “There is no other side.” When you’re right, you know you’re right and the other guy probably knows in his heart he’s wrong.  So it’s not the time for “live and let live” anymore. It is the time for doubling down. It’s the time for total outrage and getting up in each other’s shit. Don’t just knock that MAGA hat off that guy’s head, defecate on it while it’s on the ground. That will probably convince them of their wrongness, and they’ll probably thank you for it.  “Dude, I didn’t realize I’d become such a white supremacist asshole. Thanks for shitting in my hat and waking me up.” And maybe he’ll turn around and shit in some other person’s MAGA hat and, in that manner, everyone will come together and all racism and inequality will be eradicated. And next time some heteronormative jerk starts saying something you don’t agree with, maybe you can just stick your fingers in your ears and yell “la, la, la, la, la, la” over and over until they stop talking.  You can even do it as a group at your university when they invite a bad person to speak who you don’t want to listen to.

Oh wait, you already do that.  My bad.