Tag: marijuana

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon.  The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries.  If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.       

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary.  Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up. 

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government.  “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful.  California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry.  “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies.  A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.  

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed.  Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden.  Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.  

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket.  “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for?  This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo.  Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak.  You’re fired.”  

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance.  “Look at you, man.  You got crumbs all over your shirt.  Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog?  And your trousers have stains all over the front.  I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle.  You’re through.  Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing.  “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.