Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.
The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.
Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.
California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.
A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.
When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”