Media clairvoyants intuit hidden meaning in viral country hit

Unbeknownst to most pop culture consumers, members of the elite popular media are in possession of exceptional powers of discernment that permit them to identify a particular pop culture phenomenon and expose the often hidden or obscured meaning behind the seemingly straightforward message presented.  

That’s how the press was able to alert everyone that the low-budget indie movie Sound of Freedom was actually a QAnon conspiracy flick that failed to depict a strictly factual and dispassionate account of the problem of child trafficking in favor of a more dramatic and sensational rendering of the subject.  Because why would a Hollywood movie take such liberties?

Then these remarkably observant media scribes succeeded in identifying an obscure country song that had slipped under their radar for several months and exposed it as a dog whistling call to violence.  

While all this was happening, most of us probably didn’t realize how this song and this movie were dividing our country.  If not for the heads up, fast action of the elite media, these pop culture hits had the potential to literally tear our nation apart.  

Now along comes the latest viral sensation that is not only sweeping the nation, but also pitting neighbor against neighbor.  “Rich Men North of Richmond: The hit song that has divided the US” a BBC headline proclaims.  Despite sensing a palpable tension in the air almost everywhere I go, I’ve been unable to put my finger on the source of unease that seems to be gripping the nation these days, that is until this informative article enlightened me.  Sometimes it takes an astute observer of American culture from across the pond, like journalist Caryn James, to alert someone to what’s going on in their own backyard. 

Although I’d heard the Oliver Anthony song a few times and seen the video on YouTube, I was unaware of the hidden meanings, the imperceptible dog whistles and the mysterious circumstances surrounding the song’s creation.  I just thought the country hit was the product of a poor, rural, working-man, pouring his heart out about his economic struggles and laying the blame for his troubles at the feet of the rich and politically powerful.  

Once again, I’ve been royally duped.  As Eric Levitz of New York Magazine points out, the song conceals some subtle racism that can’t be recognized unless you have ears to hear.  The line “people like me and people like you” to the untrained ear would undoubtedly refer to folks who work for “bullshit pay,” like Oliver Anthony himself.  The overworked and underpaid clearly seem to be who the song is for and about.  Not so, says Eric Levitz, there is something far more sinister at play here.  Levitz writes, “The sphere of the virtuous that includes Anthony and his target listener might not be racially defined…. But it is not unreasonable to wonder whether a color line divides those who deserve more to eat from those who deserve less, at least in the song’s account.”  

Again, I’m made painfully aware of my shortcomings as a music listener and consumer of popular culture.  Rather than give the song a direct and reasonable interpretation, I should instead engage in some “not unreasonable” speculation about what the songwriter actually means, despite the songwriter’s failure to provide any reference that would push the listener toward a “not unreasonable” conclusion.  Therein lies the power of the elite media scribe.  They possess remarkable abilities to intuit meaning where it has been so thoroughly obscured as to render it invisible to mere mortals like me.

Staying with “not unreasonable” interpretations for a moment, take another clairvoyant like Matthew Cantor of The Guardian.  He points out that Rich Men North of Richmond punches down because of one strange line that seems to call out welfare recipients.  Media professionals like Cantor always know which direction the blows are flying.  Nevermind the song title and the clear references to the rich and politically powerful, for media elites like Cantor, the song is an anthem to beating up on 300 pound welfare recipients.  

Additionally, Cantor, as well as a number of other elite journalists, seem to have a problem with Oliver Anthony “punching down” on mega-rich, now deceased pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.  “Still, a reference to politicians ‘looking out for minors on an island somewhere’ – apparently a reference to Jeffrey Epstein’s ties to elite figures – has also prompted speculation that Anthony could be nodding to QAnon, the far-right conspiracy theory positing that Democrats and Hollywood stars are drinking the blood of children,” Cantor writes.  

Inside each of these media clairvoyants, a QAnon alarm goes off everytime the subject of child trafficking, or the name of a known child trafficker is invoked.  Legions of right-wing bobble heads nodding to QAnon suddenly appear in their imaginations.  “‘Rich Men’ also nods to conspiracy theories and grievances that are deeply rooted in far-right circles. (QAnon believers often cite Epstein as proof that a global cabal of elites has been trafficking children.)”  The preceding nod is brought to you by Anne Branigin of the Washington Post.  

Clearly, my critical thinking skills are desperately in need of recalibration.  What I would interpret as a fairly straightforward populist protest song is actually a racist, QAnon conspiracy drenched beat down of the poor.  Presently, I’m not even going to touch on the astro turf conspiracy posited by these media elites that claims Oliver Anthony is not organically grown, but rather an artificial construct, the creation of right wing media figures like Matt Walsh or Ben Shapiro or some other mustache twirling conservative working behind the scenes.

Experts propose increased smoking and hard drinking as solution to members serving too long in Congress

Diane Feinstein had difficulty casting a voice vote.  Mitch McConell froze up for what seemed like an eternity in front of a gaggle of reporters.  Incidents like these have many people wondering if members of Congress are staying in office too long.  The Senate currently has five active members over the age of 80 while the House has 15.  Californians are already having open discussions regarding who will replace Senator Feinstein, even though she has yet to announce her retirement and reports of her death are greatly exaggerated.  

One policy institute thinks they have a solution.  “We desperately need to bring back cigarette smoking and hard drinking among our congressional leaders,” says R. J. Morris of the Center for Integrated Solutions or CIGS.  “In the past when Congress partied like it was 1979, heart attacks, strokes and terminal illnesses would cut short most politicians’ ability to serve beyond 70 years old.  Now lawmakers think they’re just hitting their legislative prime when they reach 70.”  

Many are skeptical that bringing back the smoke-filled rooms and alcohol-soaked bull sessions constitutes a viable path forward.  They also point to CIGS receiving a bulk of its funding from the tobacco and spirits industries as a reason to question their motives.  That’s why some experts have proposed term limits as a more realistic solution.

“Congress isn’t going to vote to term limit itself.  The job is too lucrative.  No, the only path forward is to get them hooked on smoking, and if they won’t smoke voluntarily, then we’re just going to have to pump second hand smoke into their congressional chamber.  The myriad of health problems that can be achieved is only limited by our ability to imagine what is possible,” Morris says.

The Vanishing Collectors

On Tuesday, October 9,1990, a meeting of the city council of Sedona, Arizona convened at 7:00 p.m.  After the meeting was called to order and the Pledge of Allegiance recited, a brief moment of silence was observed.  Next the roll was taken and the floor opened for public comment.  Second to approach the microphone was a clean-cut young gentleman who introduced himself as Ben Porterfield and informed the gathering that he had submitted an application for the position of City Magistrate.  According to the minutes of the meeting, Porterfield “advised he wanted to give the Council an opportunity to match a face with a resume and that he would be available after the meeting for questions.”

As Ben Porterfield took his seat for the duration of the meeting, it is not known if he questioned the decision to use an alias on his application.  Perhaps a man who aspires to administer the law for a municipality ought to do so under his real name.  This might hurt his chances of getting the job, he possibly thought, especially if they do a background check which was certain to be the case.  Also, he may have wondered if managing a trailer park counted as relevant experience for issuing warrants and reviewing matters of law.  No matter, Ben Porterfield, or whatever the young man’s name was, had a number of ongoing projects in various stages of development.  Whether or not he got the City Magistrate position was of little consequence.  

Unsurprisingly, Ben Porterfield was passed over for the position of City Magistrate of Sedona, Arizona.  Months later, however, some who attended the city council meeting that night may have wished they’d taken a greater interest in the man at the microphone with the face and the resume.  Because Ben Porterfield was eventually going to become the subject of an arrest warrant, possibly issued by the newly appointed Sedona City Magistrate, and the target of a manhunt for absconding with an indeterminate quantity of Sedona residents’ precious bodily fluids.

Just a few months after the meeting, as the year drew to a close, concerned parents began presenting their teenage offspring at local medical clinics for examinations.  At the same time, the Sedona Police Department started receiving reports of a mysterious couple who were offering area teenagers ten dollars to draw a vial of their blood.  It took authorities a few weeks, but eventually they were able to zero in on a mobile home at the Windsong Trailer Park, located along U.S. 89A in west Sedona.  The trailer belonged to Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield, managers of the park.

Sedona Police Chief Bob Irish was at a loss to explain why these two individuals were collecting the blood samples.  “The possibilities of it are only limited by your imagination.  At this point, it is one of the most bizarre situations I have ever seen.”  At the time, it was thought that at least a dozen teens had allowed some of their blood to be extracted for money.  According to accounts, the teens were taken into a bathroom where a syringe was used to extract a sample of their blood.  “It looked okay to me,” said a 15-year-old who lived next door to the couple.  “They would unwrap each needle and put a brace on your arm and have you fill out a questionnaire.  You had to be 14 or over, and you could only give three times.  But the questions were really weird, like, ‘Did you use Clearasil…Are you on drugs or alcohol?’”  The young woman went on to reveal that her boyfriend and his friends had sold their blood numerous times to the couple and that the pair had taken more than 100 samples from at least 30 teen-agers.  Interviews with additional teens revealed the couple posed as representatives of the government and that the blood was needed for the testing of lasers.

Blood wasn’t the only thing the strange couple was collecting.  According to authorities, the pair had been collecting rent checks from Windsong residents and depositing them into their personal account.  This led to an arrest warrant being issued for a Benjamin and Sarah Birdsong on charges of child abuse, embezzlement, impersonating medical personnel, aggravated assault and operating a clinical laboratory without a license.  Apparently the age requirement and the questionnaire subjects were asked to fill out were insufficient to secure licensing for the couple’s blood drawing enterprise.  Investigators were also not entirely clear regarding the true identity of the individuals.  Chief Irish thought the couple’s names were possibly aliases and that they were known to have used the names Millett and Stewart when they lived in the Phoenix area.

On Monday, January 7, 1991, Sedona Police and an official from the Arizona Department of Health Services served a search warrant at the Camp Verde home of Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield.  The couple were not present at the time of the raid and had been last seen at the residence the previous Friday.  Items taken from the home by police included two handguns, two shotguns, a Mac-10 submachine gun with silencer, an IBM computer, a printer and computer storage disks – the standard items necessary to get a teen blood-buying business up and running.  Also taken in the raid were a book of satanic rituals, the Satanic Bible by Anton Lavey, photocopies, posters and banners containing occult logos and satanic imagery.  Satanism quickly moved to the top of the list of possible motives for the strange couple’s blood-buying activities.  “It seems to be the forerunner as far as theories,” said Chief Irish.  The chief further speculated the blood might be used as part of an “occult-type” ceremony, admitting that, “The worst-case scenario would be drinking it (the blood).” 

Meanwhile the search for the pair continued in earnest.  The couple owned two vehicles, a 1968 Ford pickup and a 1974 Volvo station wagon, that were now missing from the couple’s Camp Verde home.  Acting on a tip, authorities closed in on a motel in Mesa, Arizona, but missed capturing the pair by two hours.  Later, authorities admitted they could not confirm that the motel occupants were the fugitive couple.  Investigators now believed the actual identity of the pair to be Charles E. Stewart, 32, and Sharon M. Smythe, 23, who went by the aliases Benjamin and Sarah Porterfield while living in Sedona.  A number of town residents had encountered the couple, describing them as friendly but very private.  None interviewed were able to provide any worthwhile leads.  An 11-year-old neighbor of the Porterfield’s described how he was well treated by the couple who would buy parts for his bicycle and take him on camping trips.  He did admit, however, that they had some strange habits.  “I never saw any of that devil stuff.  But there was always weird, loud music in the middle of the night.  All the time, they would go camping in Boynton Canyon and then we would hear about animals that were sacrificed up there.”

Investigators continued to pore through materials seized from the couple’s home.  A computer specialist was called in to examine the contents of the Porterfield’s home computer.  At one point, the expert thought the couple may have booby-trapped the device to erase its contents if tampered with.  Eventually, however, the computer revealed little useful information about the Porterfield’s or their secret government research into blood lasers.  Occult experts brought in to examine the satanic materials concluded they showed nothing to indicate active occult involvement.  The elusive couple, who seemed to become more mysterious with every bit of information discovered about them, had seemingly vanished with potentially over a hundred vials of blood extracted from the town’s teen-age population, all while abandoning a cache of weapons and a computer.  Perhaps Chief Irish was wishing he’d introduced himself to Ben Porterfield when he had a chance.  “I remember at a City Council meeting, he went up to the microphone and said, ‘I’m Benjamin Porterfield, and I’m available to meet with you.’  He looked like a clean-cut, all-American kid,” Irish recounted.         

It should be noted that many residents and visitors to Sedona claim the city rests on a large energy vortex composed of a number of smaller vortices, the most significant of which is the Boynton Canyon vortex.  These swirling concentrations of energy are linked with any number of strange phenomena.  Perhaps a mystery couple collecting blood samples from local teens is a fairly mundane occurrence in an area where unexplained healing powers, strange spirits, ghostly hauntings, UFO activity, and Interdimensional Portals are part and parcel of the landscape.  And if two mysterious travelers conducting highly sensitive scientific research should suddenly be called to deliver their collection of samples back to their obscure corner of space and time, and if the pair of strangers should suddenly vanish through the interdimensional doorway from which they possibly emerged, perhaps it should come as no great surprise.

Biden regulators to crack down on 4-slice toasters

Days after announcing a proposal to ban inefficient home water heaters, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.

The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters to be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.

Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.

California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.

A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.

When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”