Grandpa Joe sends potheads packing

A Daily Beast article sent shockwaves across the country today, rattling bongs and killing buzzes throughout the recreational marijuana using community.  

“Dozens of young White House staffers have been suspended, asked to resign or placed in a remote work program due to past marijuana use, frustrating staffers who were pleased by initial indications from the Biden administration that recreational use of cannabis would not be immediately disqualifying for would-be personnel, according to three people familiar with the situation.” The Daily Beast reports.

Across the nation, frustrated cannabis lovers let out a collective groan, exclaiming, “Damn, I thought Biden was cool.”

While much of the blame for the policy was placed on White House director of management and administration Anne Filipic, unnamed sources say Biden himself often spearheaded efforts to root out the evil weed.  Biden, reportedly on more than one occasion, broke up groups of staffers passing reefers in the Rose Garden.  Also, before meetings in the Oval Office, Biden would often stand by the door and check the eyes of participants for signs of redness and smell their clothing as they entered the room.  

On one occasion, Biden blasted a junior staffer when he saw a bottle of Visine fall out of the man’s pocket.  “Hey, slick, you think I don’t know what that’s for?  This ain’t my first rodeo, Ringo.  Now clear out your desk, pack up your paraphernalia and get the hell out of here, you furry freak.  You’re fired.”  

Another time, Biden harangued a staffer for his slovenly appearance.  “Look at you, man.  You got crumbs all over your shirt.  Are you copping a munchie there, Snoopy Dog?  And your trousers have stains all over the front.  I bet you can’t even go a half day without playing your fiddle.  You’re through.  Go back to Atlantis, Donovan.”

For ganja loving staffers who had high hopes this administration might finally loosen federal marijuana laws, recent developments have been disappointing.  “Looks like it’s not happening at this rodeo,” said one anonymous staffer.

Authorities worry powerful new cannabis compound could produce legions of superstoners

The recent discovery of a cannabis compound 30 times stronger than THC by researchers in Italy has some law enforcement officials in the United States more than a little concerned.  The new compound called THCP forms a bond to human cannabinoid receptors 33 times stronger than THC. Once consumed, users are cast into a blizzard of fragmented thoughts and erratic sensations.  The higher cognitive functions become scrambled and the user becomes a slave to uncontrolled impulses. 

“To call these people stoners on steroids would be putting it mildly,” reports Police Chief Eric Whelp of Ocala, FL.  “Early reports describe roving bands of super stoners converging on convenience stores and devouring the entire contents in a matter of minutes.  An impromptu drum circle could pop up anywhere at any time, drawing thousands to the hypnotic rhythms that seem to produce increasingly bizarre behavior.”      

Many have speculated on the origins of the cannabinoid, but It is generally thought the super strength compound somehow made its way onto a research vessel returning from an excursion to Skull Island where scientists were pursuing the elusive Kong.  It is believed that one of the ship’s crew may have accidentally brought the compound on board.  

While scientists struggle to understand what makes it the most potent compound yet discovered, law enforcement officials prepare for unpredictable behavior and potential mayhem.  “We’re staking out the public parks and the Taco Bells,” said Whelp. “If a hack circle spirals out of control, or there’s a run on nachos, we’ll be ready for it.”

Internal documents reveal ice cream industry lobby behind Illinois weed legalization

If residents thought the effort to legalize weed in the state of Illinois was an entirely grass-roots organized movement, then it might come as something of a buzzkill to learn that powerful ice cream industry lobbying actually spearheaded the push.

Secret internal documents and private communications among industry insiders shows a highly orchestrated effort by Big Ice Cream to bring legal pot to the people of Illinois.

“Who stood to benefit? Who had the power?  These are the questions we asked ourselves as we began looking into this matter,” says Alex Downer of the ineffectual government watchdog group Responsibility and Integrity in Government, or RIG for short.  “You must remember, the cannabis industry is still relatively new and as yet has no politically connected corporate structure powerful enough to influence Illinois politics. If you want to be a political player in Illinois in general, and Chicago in particular, then you had better be sitting on top of a mountain of cash.”

The Chicagoland Ice Cream Manufacturers and Retailers Association seemed to be just such an organization.  “These guys figured out years ago that if they could bring legal pot to Illinois, the industry stood to reap the benefits of a 50 to 70 percent increase in ice cream sales,” added Downer.  “The leaked documents prove a conspiracy was afoot. In fact, the CICMRA even shook down their dairy suppliers in Wisconsin to help fund the lobbying effort.”

‘Lobbying’ is a term Downer uses loosely as it appears many Illinois legislators were rewarded handsomely for their vote.  “It should have been evident who was in the pocket of Big Ice Cream interests. At the time the legislation was under consideration, there was an ice cream van circling the capitol building everyday handing out treats and playing that infernal nursery rhyme:  ‘The more we work together, together, together. The more we work together, the happier we’ll be. Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends….’ I mean, come on!  

“And that wasn’t the half of it.  We obtained one email where a very powerful government official, capable of delivering a lot of votes, detailed plans for his eight year old’s birthday party.  He wanted a dump truck load each of chocolate, vanilla, and mint chip ice cream dumped on his lawn for the kids to play on. Obviously, they called on the State Highway Department to provide the trucks.  He had his pool filled with soft serve, and witnesses say kids were running around squirting each other with super soakers filled with chocolate syrup and ready whip topping. The decadence is mind-blowing, man!”

However, don’t expect anyone in state government to be held accountable for a potential conflict of interest.  “RIG considered filing an ethics complaint until we were visited by a couple of goons going by the names Mr. Peppermint and Mr. Butter Brickle,” Downer explained.  “They encouraged us to drop the matter so we complied. I mean, what can you do? This is Chicago and this is Big Ice Cream. They don’t play.”