The governing bodies of a sport where participants run around with broom handles protruding from their crotch areas are worried about the sport’s association with J. K. Rowling

U.S. Quidditch and Major League Quidditch are seeking a name change in an effort to distance themselves from J. K. Rowling, creator of the make-believe sport for her series of Harry Potter books.

In the fictional version of the game, Harry Potter and his Hogwarts schoolmates play a fast-paced sport where participants ride flying broomsticks, dodge each other, defend, and try to score points by throwing a ball through a hoop.  

In the real-life version, slow, unathletic mostly college students gallop around while gripping phallic looking broom handles pressed tightly to their groin area.  The aim is to simulate flying, but they mostly spend a lot of time lying on the ground with aching testicles.   

In any case, they’re worried about the image of their sport, claiming Rowling has made controversial comments about the trans community.

The quidditch organizations are conducting surveys and taking suggestions to come up with a new name for their sport.  So far, Boner Ball appears to be one of the leading contenders.

Wisely, Rowling has sought to distance herself from the game.  Representatives of Rowling issued a statement saying, “The Quidditch Premier League, U.S. Quidditch and Major League Quidditch have never been endorsed or licensed by J.K. Rowling.”

Nevertheless, quidditch players intend to keep waving their big sticks around and crossing swords in celebration every time a goal is scored, even if it means suffering the indignity of their beloved sport’s association with Rowling.

White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday.  Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden.  “White House, I can’t hold her!  She’s breaking up!  She’s breaking up!”  With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.  

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.  

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend.  Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package.  Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair.  Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate.  Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy. 

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived.  After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive.  Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it.  We have the technology.  We can build it back better than it was.  Better…stronger…faster.  It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Family man reassured by news that the empty space inside his wallet is ‘transitory’

Concerned over the short-term occupancy of cash inside his wallet, Lester Bridges was reassured by news that his present circumstances are merely transitory.

“According to most of the experts, our family’s situation is temporary and has been for most of the past year, apparently,” said Bridges.  “Gotta say, I was pretty relieved to hear that.  The experts are closely monitoring the situation and soon I’m sure my billfold will runneth over.”  

Officials point out that the pandemic has caused a global supply chain backlog, which has temporarily resulted in higher prices.  Once the supply chain is back online, prices should return to normal levels.

“I sure do hope that’s the case,” said Bridges.  “Because, if it isn’t, I’ll soon have to explain to my daughter that the empty space inside her milk cup is the result of a long line of container ships parked in the Pacific Ocean.  I have a feeling even my elementary school-age daughter will see through that bullshit.” 

Nevertheless, Bridges knows there are many other pressing concerns facing the country and that leadership has its most capable people hard at work on solving the problems facing ordinary working Americans.

“I sure do hope Congress passes that student debt relief,” said Bridges.  “It’s heartbreaking to hear stories like AOC drowning in $17,000 in student loan debt.  After all, she’s trying to scrape by on a mere $174,000 a year. Then you have the spouse of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg taking a stand against the resumption of payments.”

According to Politico, Chasten Buttigieg received a notice that his student loan relief from the COVID-19 pandemic will expire on January 31, 2022 and that he’d soon have to resume making payments.  Buttigieg posted a screenshot of the notice on Instagram with the caption, “LOL no thank you Merry Christmas next.”

“Good for him.  Husband Pete has enough on his plate with the supply chain backlog.  You try making payments on two homes and a student loan on a paltry $220,000 a year,” said Bridges.

Bill Gates expects his predictions to achieve 100% unreliability in the coming months

After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.

Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.”  With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The oracle had spoken…again.  Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.      

Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant?  As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods.  “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far.  We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.   

The people rejoiced!  Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank.  And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”

Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation.  However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note.  “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering.  The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance.  Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay.  That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking.  Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant.  Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party.  Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”

Retailers offering smash and carry holiday savings

This year’s holiday shopping season has seen a number of new door-busting additions to popular Christmas shopping themed days like Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  Increasing numbers of consumers are avoiding the long checkout lines that waste their time and cut into their bottom line, opting instead for the smash and grab approach.  

In response, retailers like CVS and Target have added Looting Tuesday to the list of days when shoppers can expect exceptional holiday savings.  Looting Tuesday events are planned at locations across the country.  For those who pre-register, some retailers are offering to commemorate your Looting Tuesday experience by capturing it on security video and sharing it for free.    

Five Finger Friday events are breaking out spontaneously at Home Depot and Best Buy locations around the country.  If you are considering taking part in a flash mob shopping event, retailers like Best Buy are asking that you pause your plundering for a moment and consider signing up for their extended warranty plan before tearing off into the night with your new laptop.

Smash and Dash Saturdays are gaining in popularity in some of the nation’s more high-end shopping districts.  Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Saks are all prepping for a weekend of holiday mayhem.  The merchandise is free, but if you need gift wrapping, it may cost extra.