Family man reassured by news that the empty space inside his wallet is ‘transitory’

Concerned over the short-term occupancy of cash inside his wallet, Lester Bridges was reassured by news that his present circumstances are merely transitory.

“According to most of the experts, our family’s situation is temporary and has been for most of the past year, apparently,” said Bridges.  “Gotta say, I was pretty relieved to hear that.  The experts are closely monitoring the situation and soon I’m sure my billfold will runneth over.”  

Officials point out that the pandemic has caused a global supply chain backlog, which has temporarily resulted in higher prices.  Once the supply chain is back online, prices should return to normal levels.

“I sure do hope that’s the case,” said Bridges.  “Because, if it isn’t, I’ll soon have to explain to my daughter that the empty space inside her milk cup is the result of a long line of container ships parked in the Pacific Ocean.  I have a feeling even my elementary school-age daughter will see through that bullshit.” 

Nevertheless, Bridges knows there are many other pressing concerns facing the country and that leadership has its most capable people hard at work on solving the problems facing ordinary working Americans.

“I sure do hope Congress passes that student debt relief,” said Bridges.  “It’s heartbreaking to hear stories like AOC drowning in $17,000 in student loan debt.  After all, she’s trying to scrape by on a mere $174,000 a year. Then you have the spouse of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg taking a stand against the resumption of payments.”

According to Politico, Chasten Buttigieg received a notice that his student loan relief from the COVID-19 pandemic will expire on January 31, 2022 and that he’d soon have to resume making payments.  Buttigieg posted a screenshot of the notice on Instagram with the caption, “LOL no thank you Merry Christmas next.”

“Good for him.  Husband Pete has enough on his plate with the supply chain backlog.  You try making payments on two homes and a student loan on a paltry $220,000 a year,” said Bridges.

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”