Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. 

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”  

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots.  However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Bystander performs daring keg stand rescue in pedal pub mishap

A quick-thinking good samaritan is recovering today after participating in a dramatic rescue of patrons trapped beneath an overturned pedal pub.  Robert Drake and two of his companions were watching the NBA playoffs at a local tavern when they heard cries for ‘help’ coming from the street outside.  They immediately ran to the scene where they discovered a number of individuals trapped beneath an overturned pedal pub.

“A bunch of people were trying to lift the wagon, but it was too heavy due to the full kegs of beer onboard,” recounted Drake.  “The tap was wedged against the street so my buddies held me upside down by the legs while I managed to get the tap in my mouth.  I was battling physics and the laws of gravity, but I managed to drain enough beer from the kegs that we were able to set the vehicle upright.”

Rescue personnel on the scene were in disbelief over the heroic efforts of Mr. Drake and his friends.  “Nothing in our training prepares us for an accident of this nature.  The gentlemen and his companions are to be commended for their bravery and ingenuity,” one rescuer commented.

Humbled by the attention, Drake admitted that he just did what anyone else in his position would have done.

“Although I flunked out of college, I actually had a fair amount of experience performing that particular maneuver.  My buddies probably struggled more than I did being that I’m about 75 pounds heavier than I was back in the day,” Drake said.  “Anyway, I don’t think I did anything that special.  I guess it’s just a situation where my instincts took over.  I feel like if it had been me trapped under that pedal pub, then someone else would have performed a lifesaving keg stand.  Needless to say, I yacked pretty hard once I was back on my feet again.”

Musk acquires Bullshit Mountain for $44 billion

Residents of Bullshit Mountain are fleeing in droves on news that tech multi-billionaire Elon Musk is purchasing the towering pile of crap that has fed and nurtured them for over a decade.  Musk is reportedly paying $44 billion for the social media platform which anyone with an ounce of sense knows is about $43.95 billion too much.

The most prominent natives of Bullshit Mountain, who contribute nearly 90% of the excrement that flows from its rivers and streams out into the rest of society, are concerned about what might happen to their precious dung heap now that the Tesla CEO and free speech promoter is about to seize control. 

Many prominent journalists, politicians, media and entertainment personalities have pledged to flee the platform in protest.  Apparently, this nurturing land of inclusion and unquestioning acceptance that they have so lovingly crafted over the years is now in jeopardy of turning into a psychically abusive hell-hole.  

Moreover, the political and intellectual elites who routinely mine truth from Bullshit Mountain are worried that the open inquiry and constructive debate they have so carefully cultivated will become irreparably harmed by Musk’s commitment to “free speech”.

As the old saying goes, “All politics and culture is downstream from Bullshit Mountain.”  Judging by the frantic behavior of its inhabitants, our golden age of truth and discourse may be coming to an end.

When you’re broke, stoned and your only friends are FBI informants

If Americans thought the current epidemic of politically motivated kidnappings against government officials was going to end anytime soon, they can think again.  Last Friday, Justice Department attorneys failed to secure guilty verdicts against any of the four men accused of plotting to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who the alleged conspirators planned to either put on trial or abandon in a boat in the middle of Lake Michigan.  Prosecutors and journalists fear this could send the wrong message to political extremists, signaling that it’s okay to snatch governors and subject them to public show trials or maritime abandonment.  Elsewhere, average citizens are wondering when this country is finally going to get serious about halting the rash of abductions of senators, representatives, governors, mayors, cabinet holders and other high profile government officials.  

Of the four accused in the alleged plot, two were found not guilty, while the jury deadlocked on the other two, including the alleged ringleader Adam Fox.  People may remember that before rising to the status of one of the most feared domestic terrorists in the United States, Adam Fox was but a lowly, broke stoner who lived in the basement of a vacuum cleaner repair shop called the Vac Shack in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  With nothing but his trusty bong to keep him company, Fox dreamed of one day becoming the leader of an effort to overthrow the State of Michigan, which would have the domino effect of bringing down the entire United States government.  And he might have succeeded too, if not for a chance meeting with a guy by the name of Big Dan.

Despite Adam Fox’s indigent circumstances, Big Dan saw a lot of potential in the young man.  Once he peered behind the poverty and pot smoke, Big Dan could tell that Fox was a crazy motherfucker, full of scary dreams and violent boasting, he just lacked proper guidance and direction.  So Big Dan set about mentoring Fox, and with the help of his friends at the FBI, Big Dan worked tirelessly to make Adam Fox’s wildest, right-wing fantasies come true.  You see, Big Dan was working as a sort of talent facilitator for the FBI, driving a company car and earning in excess of $50,000.  As mentor, Big Dan offered Fox a free credit card with a $5000 limit.  He secured for Fox a position with the Wolverine Watchmen, a right-wing militia group that Dan once belonged to, and Fox quickly rose through its ranks.  Most importantly, though, Big Dan listened to Adam Fox, something few people had ever done.  Because Adam Fox talked a lot of shit – a lot of scary, violent shit.  But no one ever took him seriously until Big Dan and his FBI handlers.

Adam Fox, Big Dan and members of the Wolverine Watchmen held meet-ups, where Dan’s employer, the federal government, paid for transportation, food and lodging for all the participants.  When the group’s own resident bomb maker, Barry Croft aka Tri-Cornered Hat Dude, failed to successfully detonate any of his homemade explosives, Big Dan and the FBI hooked the group up with a bomb guy.  It seemed like everything was magically falling into place for this group of incompetent ne’er-do-wells.

Eventually, Big Dan received instructions to take it up a notch.  On August 28, 2020, Special Agent Henrik Impola texted Big Dan with “a few goals for today.”  Impola’s instructions included inviting the maximum number of participants to surveil the Michigan governor’s vacation home.  “I default to getting as many other guys as possible so whatever works to maximize attendance,” Impola wrote.  Big Dan pledged to make it happen, and so the plan was in place for FBI informant Big Dan to lead the team on a reconnaissance mission of the Michigan governor’s vacation home and surrounding area.

If you could point to one heroic figure in this whole affair, it would have to be FBI Special Agent Mary Jane.  As it turns out, Adam Fox and another alleged conspirator called Barricade smoked marijuana five times during the infamous recon mission to Governor Witmer’s lake cottage.  FBI photographs from that day show that the chief conspirator in one of the most daring domestic terrorism plots in United States history was so high that he used his hat to surveil the governor’s cottage from across the lake, rather than a pair of binoculars.  Whatever preparation and intelligence gathering Adam Fox and the rest of the alleged conspirators attempted to undertake, it all seemed for naught as it wafted away on plumes of marijuana smoke and gross incompetence. 

The nighttime recon mission didn’t fare much better.  Here’s how Buzzfeed News tells the story:

“In the government’s telling, the most critical moment in the alleged plot took place late on Sept. 12, 2020, when Fox, Croft, and others piled into three trucks and headed out to conduct nighttime surveillance of Whitmer’s lakeside cottage.

“It was not a great success. For one thing, their companions that night included two confidential informants and two undercover agents. Some 10 additional FBI agents followed them en route, and stationary cameras mounted at strategic spots tracked their progress. For another, despite all the careful planning, the men failed to find Whitmer’s house because they had been given the wrong address, and heavy rains made it impossible for them to spot one another from across the lake as they had hoped to do.”

If not for his righteously impaired judgment, a stone free Adam Fox might have been able to ascertain he was being set up.  “Whoa, that is some killer ganj, dude, because I’m seeing all kinds of super paranoid, fucked up shit.  Suspicious vehicles, surveillance cameras, strange looking men lurking in the shadows.  Holy shit!”  You have to wonder if the FBI’s plan was to ensnare the would be terrorists during that recon mission, but the agency was unable to do so because the group lacked the sophistication to locate their target.  Apparently, the group also lacked the sophistication to nail down a date for when they’d all be available to launch their expertly crafted plan.  

Nevertheless, the feds dramatic takedown came days later when Big Dan, Fox and others traveled to Ypsilanti to meet with the FBI’s approved bomb maker, Red.  With only $300 between them, the conspirators lacked the funds to obtain the $4000 device they sought, but they did have plenty of cash to go out for beer and hot wings after the meeting.  That bit of frivolity would have to wait, however, as the conspirators were arrested without incident and have been held in jail ever since.  That is until last Friday when Daniel Harris and Brandon Caserta were acquitted and set free.  

The public can rest easy, though, two of the group’s leaders are still behind bars.  Federal prosecutors have vowed to retry Fox and Croft.  Perhaps, prosecutors could have brought this case in for a successful landing if they hadn’t left some of their all-star agents sitting on the bench.  One of Big Dan’s handlers, Special Agent Jayson Chambers, didn’t testify because he had incorporated a private security firm and bragged about his credentials on the domestic terrorism front prior to the take down of the Apple Dumpling Gang.  Another of Big Dan’s handlers, Special Agent Henrik Impola, was not called upon to testify because he had been accused of perjury in a prior case.  Former FBI Special Agent Richard Trask, who also worked on the case, sat this one out because he faced charges stemming from an incident where he bounced his wife’s head off a nightstand when she failed to comply with his plan to join a Kalamazoo swingers party. 

As for Adam Fox, he probably wishes he’d kept his mouth shut and taken his dreams in another direction, like pursuing that business idea of crafting custom hookahs and bongs out of old vacuum cleaner parts.

At urging of Pfizer CEO, FDA close to authorizing vaccine “bumps”

On the heels of authorizing a fourth dose of vaccine for the over 50 crowd, the FDA is considering adding vaccine “bumps” to the current regimen of periodic boosting.   

When Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla approached the FDA about recommending another boost for individuals over 65, the regulatory body did him one better by expanding the pool to everyone over 50.

Sensing an opportunity to increase profits, Bourla has instructed researchers at the company to develop vaccine “bumps” to be administered periodically between boosts as a way of supplementing antibody protection.

“You know, it’s just like sometimes your antibodies start to feel a little low and your titer is down around 1:250, and you just need a little bump to maintain and get to feeling normal again.  That’s where we’re at, bro,” Bourla told FDA officials.  “So now when you go into a crowded restaurant and you’re worried about whether your antibody level is going to provide enough protection, you can slip into the restroom, give yourself a little bump of Pfizer vaccine and reemerge with the confidence that you can handle any situation.”

Needless to say, the FDA has been extremely impressed with Bourla’s proactive approach, planning to fasttrack the approval of vaccine bumps without requiring efficacy trials.       

Critics worry that self-administered vaccine jabs could be unnecessary and lead to unintended health consequences.  Bourla dismisses the concern.  “The public has this notion that I’m some kind of pusher man, that I like sticking needles in people’s arms.  Do I look like a common drug peddler?  Get real, man.”

Investigators examine fresh prints on the side of Chris Rock’s face

It appears Will Smith’s right cross has lost much of the sting it possessed back in the days of shooting Ali. Still, investigators are examining the fresh prints left on the side of Chris Rock’s face in case the comedian should decide to file charges against the Oscar winner Smith.

Although, at least for now, Rock has declined to press charges, it was agreed by all parties involved that Smith, for a period of at least six months, should go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.  

After the slapping incident, Smith forcefully demanded that Rock keep Smith’s wife’s name out of the comedian’s mouth.  Behind the scenes, however, Smith’s publicist was clear that the incident should in no way inhibit any public discussion of the Smith couple’s open marriage.

In addition to not pressing charges, Rock promised not to sue the exceedingly wealthy movie star and recording artist, but he made clear that he retains the right to exploit the incident for comedic purposes and shall maintain exclusive control over all revenue generated from “the slap.”

“Oh, I’m going to make a fortune off this bitch,” Rock said.

G7 leaders gather to record rousing rendition of All You Need Is Doom

Leaders of the Group of Seven Industrialized nations have been cranking out hit after hit since coming together in Brussels this week.  On Thursday, they signaled their unity by assembling for a photo-op and spontaneously bursting into an impromptu performance of their international smash hit All You Need Is Doom.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was the first to seize the microphone and issue a stern warning to humanity: 

“There’s nothing you can say that can’t be unsaid,

Nothing you can spend that can’t be unspent,

Listen to us and you can learn how to be you in time,

It’s easy.”

Addressing a group of reporters at a news conference in Brussels, Biden delivered a stirring address to the people of all nations:  “It’s going to be real.  The price of the sanctions is not just imposed upon Russia. It’s imposed upon an awful lot of countries as well, including European countries and our country as well.”

Glimpsing the sacrifice world leaders were willing to make, the people of the world at once sensed their duty to all go hungry together.  Then Biden kicked a hole in the speaker, grabbed the mic and sang:

“No one you can lead that can’t be unled,

No one you can feed that can’t be unfed,

Nothing you can do but you can play the game by the rules,

It’s easy.”

Then the rest of the Group of Seven joined Biden for the chorus, singing, “All you need is doom,” as they closed out the meeting.

Mischief threat level raised in Canada as convoy organizer released on bail

Canadians are on high alert today in expectation that outbreaks of mischief could randomly occur anywhere at any moment now that Canadian trucker convoy organizer, Tamara Lich, has been awarded bail.  

Officially charged with “counseling to commit mischief,” Lich has been held for several weeks without bail because Justice Julie Bourgeois insisted it was necessary to protect the public.

A new justice allowed the bail but imposed several conditions.  In addition to posting $25,000, Lich had to promise to leave Ottawa within 24 hours and have no contact with her fellow convoy organizers.

However, government officials are concerned that Lich still poses a clear and present danger, and that there is little to prevent her from counseling others to commit mischief.  

RCMP Chief Mischief Profiler, Lloyd Alexander, warns that the type and severity of mischief Lich could inflict on the people of Canada is limited only by the public’s imagination.  

“There’s nothing to prevent her from infiltrating a Facebook knitting group, radicalizing its members and persuading them to crochet a giant “Fuck Trudeau” banner which they could unfurl in front of parliament.  She’s sneaky and impish, that one, and that’s why we’ll be keeping a very close eye on her,” he said.

Elon Musk dines at Nuclear Greens Cafe

After stirring a minor Twitter controversy over the weekend by promoting nuclear power, the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, put his money where his mouth is by breakfasting at the Nuclear Greens Cafe Monday morning.

In a series of tweets on Sunday, Musk promoted restarting dormant nuclear power plants and increasing energy production at existing ones.  The multi-billionaire downplayed the risks of radiation by pledging to eat locally grown food at locations chosen by nuclear power detractors.

“For those who (mistakenly) think this is a radiation risk, pick what you think is the worst location. I will travel there & eat locally grown food on TV,” Musk tweeted.

In typical Musk fashion, rather than wait for suggestions, he erected a nuclear power themed cafe that serves only fresh meat and produce sourced from within a 50 mile radius of a nuclear power plant.  From conception to completion, the project took less than twelve hours and was open for business on Monday morning.  Plans are to franchise other Nuclear Greens locations around the country.

The tech billionaire reportedly ordered the Atomic Sunrise Platter which consists of two reactor fresh eggs, crispy radiated bacon, buttery toast and two Nuclear Winter Waffles topped with fresh Fukushima strawberries.  Breakfast is served with a bottomless cup of Nuclear Greens’ signature Meltdown Java to jumpstart the day.

As he was leaving the cafe, a glowing Musk gave the staff a thumbs up, strapped on his nuclear powered jet pack and took off into the wind.

Schwab rebukes Trudeau for jumping too far ahead in The Great Reset playbook

Details are starting to emerge regarding why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unexpectedly ended the Emergencies Act last Wednesday only a week after invoking it and a mere day after the Canadian House approved it.

Apparently, after witnessing the unprecedented civil liberties violations Trudeau and his goons were inflicting on a group of peaceful protesters, his mentor Klaus Schwab felt compelled to pick up the phone and rebuke the former student.

“This looks very bad for us, Justin.  You’re giving away the game.  It’s like you decided to turn to the last page of the playbook without taking the necessary steps to get there,” Schwab told Trudeau.

Trudeau is a product of the World Economic Forum’s Young Global Leaders school.  In the past, WEF Executive Director Klaus Schwab has boasted like a proud papa about the school’s most accomplished graduates such as Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin.  However, Schwab pointed to the WEF’s proudest accomplishment as placing its Young Global Leaders inside the cabinets of many of the world’s nations.

“But what we are very proud of now, the young generation like Prime Minister Trudeau, president of Argentina [Mauricio Macri], and so on, that we penetrate the cabinets. So, yesterday, I was at a reception for Prime Minister Trudeau, and I know that half of his cabinet or even more than half of his cabinet are actually Young Global Leaders of the World Economic Forum,” Schwab told an audience in 2017.

Schwab was reportedly apoplectic over the bad publicity Trudeau and Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland, who is also a WEF Young Global Leader, brought upon the organization. 

“We must bring the people along gradually.  Haven’t you ever heard of death by a thousand cuts or the boiling frog?  You can’t just go out and start jailing people for ‘unacceptable views.’  Didn’t you learn anything, you spoiled rich idiot.  You have too much of your father, Fidel, in you.  And what the fuck is the matter with you Freeland?  You can’t just start seizing people’s bank accounts.  We are years away from social credit in western democracies,” Schwab admonished the pair.  

Schwab reportedly ended the scolding by paying the pair a backhanded compliment.

“That being said, the apparent number of citizens of a free country willing to go along with such draconian measures is very instructive.  It appears that the monumental, young global stupidity you two have shown may have inadvertently revealed something quite useful,” Schwab said.