Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.
Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”
Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”
However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.
Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.
As the first month of 2023 draws to a close, it has become apparent that many Americans who resolved to get back in shape this year have done so in record time. Indeed, these gym warriors hit it hard for the first couple weeks of January, causing attendance at many locations to double or even triple. Having transformed themselves in record time, many January gym rats are already hanging up their shorts and checking another resolution off their list.
“I set a pretty ambitious goal this year to get in better shape than I was last year,” said Cal Thomas, member at Fantastic Fitness. “I managed to achieve that goal in about three workouts. Needless to say, I was pretty inactive in 2022. Next year I hope to double my current fitness level by going for six sessions.”
Gym memberships swelled the first week of January, leaving many year-round regulars having to adjust their fitness routines. Access to facilities and equipment was temporarily hampered by the influx, but now seems to be opening back up again.
“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Joe Buck. “We’re all about rapid results. It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”
Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.
The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.
Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.
California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.
A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.
When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”
Move over Matt Taibbi. You’ve just been scooped by the princess of poop. Business Insider’s Kali Hays today dropped a load so fetid and scandalous it’s sure to create some early P.U.litzer buzz.
While Taibbi & Co. have been exposing efforts by the FBI and sitting U.S. Congressman to censor Twitter accounts and to have journalists removed from the social media platform, Kali Hays has been combing through troves of Twitter emails and explosive internal Slack messages that reveal a company on the brink of mutiny.
According to Hays’ two sources, Twitter offices in New York and San Francisco are dealing with clogged commodes and may be just days away from running completely out of toilet paper. Conditions at these locations have become so desperate that employees are standing out on the sidewalk begging passersby to spare a square.
In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive requiring all restroom visitors adhere to a strict two square per visit limit with a cap of three restroom visits per day. This is said to be causing quite a hardship in New York, but sources in San Francisco say it’s not a problem because everybody’s allowed to just shit outdoors on the sidewalk anyway.
Hays also reports that her sources embedded inside the bathrooms at Twitter are noticing that the normally soft and fluffy two-ply toilet paper is being replaced with a coarser single-ply. The result is that employees are finding it difficult to sit at their terminals for extended periods of time.
In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive that all employees shall be transitioned to stand-up terminals effective immediately.
Sam Bankman Fried, aka SBF, aka the Notorious SBF, aka Sammy the Crypto Clown is free on $250 million bail today. Sources report the disgraced FTX CEO attempted to pay his bail in FTT tokens but was prevented in doing so by the judge. SBF argued that while currently worthless those FTT tokens would one day bring untold riches to whoever possessed them. The judge ruled the court would rather have his parents’ home.
Meanwhile, FTX CTO Gary “Wang Bang” Wang and Alameda CEO and crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison have pleaded guilty to multiple federal charges including wire fraud, wire fraud conspiracy, and conspiracy to commit securities fraud. Sources report the pair are cooperating with federal prosecutors.
SBF will be required to wear an ankle band and must confine his activities to his parents’ California home, the judge ruled. Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried have promised the court to closely supervise their son and steer him away from operating any multi-billion dollar Ponzi schemes while he awaits trial.
Despite resigning her position with Democratic super political action committee Mind the Gap, Barbara Fried is now calling upon her Silicon Valley mega-donor friends to give generously to her son’s legal defense fund. Contributing to the Democratic Party is no longer the most effective way to promote positive change in the world, Fried argues. Instead, securing SBF’s freedom through charitable giving is the best way to promote peace and justice this holiday season.
Rocketing to the top of Amazon’s hottest selling Christmas gifts this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll. Popular retailers like Wal-Mart and Target sell out of the sassy little freedom fighters as soon as they hit the shelves.
Patriot Girl Dolls come outfitted in a red, white and blue camouflage patterned jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 rifle right out the box. Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3. Also, for a limited time, retailers are offering a Patriot Girl pocket Bill of Rights with every purchase.
On the flipside, retailers are having a devil of a time interesting the public in Patty the Activist Girl Doll. Standard with every Patty Doll is a revolution backpack filled with a mouthwatering assortment of vegan snacks. Also, each Patty Doll comes with an audio chip ready to record your target for cancellation. Just tell Patty the name of whoever makes your blood boil and listen to her chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas) has got to go.”
The holiday’s biggest bust would have to be the Sam Bankman-Fried Doll. Several shipping containers full of the disgraced former FTX CEO are sitting in the Port of Long Beach after plans to retail the dolls were put on hold following the collapse of FTX. Currently, the SBF dollmaker is pursuing plans to repurpose the doll by dying its hair red, applying funny make-up and marketing it as Sammy the Crypto Clown.
Disgraced former Alameda Research CEO and one-time love interest of the Notorious SBF was photographed inquiring after a barista position in New York on Sunday.
Currently undergoing acute amphetamine withdrawal, the former billionaire later tweeted, “Great interview! Nothing like regular caffeine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is!”
According to sources, Ellison was somewhat evasive when answering interview questions regarding her past work experience. She did, however, claim to be detail-oriented, have exceptional customer service skills and have an above second grade understanding of mathematics and finance.
Sources say management rejected her request for a $500 million sign-on bonus, but were willing to consider her request for afternoons off, as Ellison claims she’s presently interning at a nearby office of federal prosecutors.
Meanwhile in the Bahamas, there was little activity Sunday at the former polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome turned monoamorous gloom room of doom where Sam Bankman Fried is currently hunkered down. Sources report witnessing SBF skulking around the exclusive Albany Resort compound in a bathrobe, muttering incoherently to himself.
The disgraced former FTX founder has been engaged in a flurry of media appearances as of late, speaking with just about anyone willing to listen to his tale of woe. In a recent appearance on The Cryptomancer podcast, SBF answered charges that he defrauded investors: “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started this that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know.”
A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC. Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.
“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars. The level of corruption and fraud is astounding. I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money. Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken.
Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters. Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.
“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine. Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole. We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.
Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits.
“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector. It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future. Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud. Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.
Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption. “All will be revealed,” Milken promises. “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”
Disgraced crypto crusader Sam Bankman Fried, who currently finds himself a prisoner in his plush polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome, is not finished improving the lives of countless Americans.
In one of his last acts of elective altruism, SBF donated a million turkeys to food banks across the country so needy Americans could enjoy a proper turkey dinner courtesy of the crypto kingpin.
As a show of appreciation, Americans are forgoing the oven, opting instead for the deep-fried succulent goodness of a Sam Bankman Fried turkey.
It is reported that prior to his downfall, SBF personally oversaw the slaughter of a million turkeys. “This is going to make so many people so happy,” SBF is reported to have remarked.
Sources are now reporting that the billion dollar personal loan SBF gave himself out of his company’s coffers was done to fund this massive turkey giveaway.
If true, these actions would seem to confirm the New York Times reporting that far from being an amoral, narcissistic scam artist, SBF was simply a young man too kind and generous for his own good.
Undeterred by his current circumstances, scambolic crypto wunderkind SBF wasted no time jumping back onto the crypto carousel promoting his latest crypto investing token Lucky Charms. Speaking from their polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome in the Bahamas, the former FTX gang made the announcement live on CNBC.
“We’ve got several different investment tokens to choose from, each representing ascending levels of risk and exposure. There’s Orange Stars, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers and, of course, Blue Diamonds,” SBF announced to much adoration and fanfare on CNBC’s CryptoBox. “We would encourage everyone to jump into the Blue Diamonds as soon as possible. There’s a limited supply and we expect the value to increase rapidly.”
In addition to promoting the virtues of generating wealth out of thin air, SBF continued to be mindful of the reason he got into this business in the first place. “Look, we’re always going to put our mission of elective altruism front and center in everything we do. I mean, I could elect to make you rich, or I could elect to make myself rich. So don’t just selfishly assume that I’m putting your interests front and center. Think about somebody else for a change, like me.”
Already, celebrities and politicians are lining up to secure a sweet slice of the crypto cake. Former President Bill Clinton took a break from billionaire island hopping to attend the penthouse announcement. “I think what these kids are doing is just wonderful. Hey, but watch out for that one over there. She’s a vicious little viper,” Clinton said, gesturing at Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison.
Apparently unaware of the live announcement taking place, a hopped up Klaus Schwabb was seen wandering around in a bathrobe in the background, “As you can see, this is truly a global initiative,” said SBF.