NASA to attempt to play Asteroids at scale

Tonight at 7:14 p.m. ET officials at NASA will insert an inflation adjusted three quarters into their specially designed gaming console and attempt to play the popular 80’s video game Asteroids at scale.

Guiding their DART spacecraft perilously through a field of randomly moving asteroids, NASA officials will specifically target the Dimorphos asteroid moonlet.  NASA officials expect a number of engineers to take turns guiding the spacecraft to its target. 

This is believed to be NASA’s first attempt to recreate video games at scale.  In 2006, NASA made plans to develop a live action video game after detecting columns of space invaders slowly advancing towards earth.  However, the strange space creatures mysteriously disbanded before NASA had a chance to zap them.

If the mission is successful, NASA plans to deploy the technology to repel space objects that have the potential to collide with earth.

The private sector also appears to be getting in on the action.  According to reports, Elon Musk’s Boring Company is currently in the process of developing a large, yellow, disembodied mouth capable of munching and swallowing nearly everything in its path.  However, the mouth seems particularly vulnerable to ghostly apparitions.  Boring Company engineers are currently working on developing a power pellet capable of rendering the ghosts vulnerable to the large, disembodied snapper.

Local man figures he better do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker.  “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling.  Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.” 

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing.  I really felt sorry for the little fellers.  They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional. 

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project? 

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said.  “But mostly it’s because there’s a pretty important game on this afternoon.”

People are talking about all the times they were “quiet baked” at work, and the internet is abuzz

Quiet quitting, quiet firing, quiet hiring, it seems you can’t pick up the internet these days without reading about how the workplace is being transformed in very subtle ways by Millenials and Gen Z.  

Sensing a change in attitudes about how we think and talk about work, Gen Xers are also beginning to unburden themselves regarding the unspoken practices they’ve brought to their working routine.  

“I’ve been ‘quiet baked’ at work for decades,” said Roger Ambrose, a line cook at a very upscale Chicago eatery.  “I used to wait until my shift was over to fire up a bowl, but eventually I just said, ‘fuck that.’  I need to establish a more healthy work/life balance.” 

So Roger started getting baked before work, at break and sometimes even in the restroom.  But rather than ask his supervisor for permission, Roger took it upon himself to quietly carve out a little time for himself to attend to his mental health. 

“Well, the truth is, my boss was getting super stoned as well.  I mean, he was so bloodshot and pie-eyed, I just figured he’d never notice if I snuck a toke or two,” Roger said.

“‘Quiet baking’ is a rejection of extreme ‘hustle culture,’” said leadership expert and Tik Tok guru Emily Armstrong.  “These workers are turning their back on the notion that if they go above and beyond their regular duties, then they will be rewarded with raises, bonuses and promotions.”     

“That sounds about right,” said Roger.  “Often I make sure I get a little ‘quiet compensation.’  As long as I get the waitstaff ‘quiet baked,’ they don’t notice if a few bucks go silently missing from the tip jar.”

500 health experts sign letter urging public to eat more doughnuts

“A doughnut a day keeps the doctor away,” or at least that’s what hundreds of members of the American Public Health Association are saying in a letter aimed at preventing their colleague Dr. Leana Wen from speaking at their annual meeting.  The health officials level a number of charges at Dr. Wen, but perhaps none so serious as being fatphobic, obeseaverse and chubby opposed.  

The accusations refer to a tweet Wen wrote in March of 2021 thanking Krispy Kreme for promoting Covid vaccination, but questioning the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  Apparently, as transgressions go, doughnut shaming ranks right alongside not being enough of an anti-racist or anti-eugenicst, two other baseless charges leveled against Wen.  

To reinforce their criticisms of Wen, the health experts went on to make a number of startling claims regarding the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  They claim that doughnut binging provides a comforting refuge from the harmful statements made by the likes of Wen and other hurtful word weaponizers like Joe Rogan.  Also, a glazed yeast doughnut stuffed inside a properly fitted N-95 mask can provide additional protection against the BA.5 variant.  

The signers of the letter are urging Wen to stay away from the conference and to use the time to undergo doughnut sensitivity training and to educate herself regarding the untold health benefits of daily doughnut consumption.  “We’re recommending Dr. Wen do the work at obtaining a more “holistic” understanding of the rich, flaky and frosted benefits to be gained from a proper relationship to eating a doughnut everyday,” read the statement.

Robbie Dupree picked up Friday night attempting to “steal away”

Recording artist Robbie Dupree and an unidentified female companion were picked up outside of Hot Rod’s Bar & Grill attempting to “steal away into the night.”  It was the fourth time this year Mr. Dupree has been detained by authorities and one of countless offenses dating back to 1980.

“We received a call about 11:27 p.m. that Mr. Dupree and another female patron were witnessed exiting the premises of Hot Rod’s in an attempt to steal away.  Mr. Dupree was stopped by a patrol car as he attempted to exit the parking lot of the establishment.  When confronted by officers over his actions, Mr. Dupree replied only, ‘I know it ain’t right,’” said a spokesperson for the sheriff’s department.

The unidentified woman who was later released by authorities said she drank several cocktails with Mr. Dupree over the course of the evening.  “I thought he was nice.  He just said ‘show me what I want to know’ and later he was like ‘show me what you came here for.’  I didn’t think anything of it.  I had no idea we were fixing to steal away into the night,” the woman said. 

For Mr. Dupree, this is just the latest in a series of arrests dating back to the 1980’s.  “Robbie Dupree has been on our radar for a number of years,” said Sheriff Michael McDonald.  “Rest assured, there will be no second chances tonight.”

LIV Golf team matchup of the week: Skulls & Shanks vs. Royal Chili-dippers

LIV Golf is bringing its traveling circus and sideshow extravaganza to Bedminster, New Jersey this weekend.  Ringmaster Greg Norman has been spotted in downtown Bedminster this week handing out $100 bills to anyone who commits to showing up as a spectator for the event.  

However, first and foremost on nearly every golf fan’s mind is who will take home the team trophy.  All eyes will be focused on the much anticipated matchup between Dustin Johnson’s Skulls and Shanks taking on Bryson DeChambeau’s title hungry Royal Chili-dippers.

“Well you know for me it’s never been about the money,” said Johnson.  “It’s always been about leading my team into battle.  Bryson’s got his Chili-dippers on a roll, so they’re going to give us all we can handle, but I think my guys are up to the challenge.”    

This week’s sleeper could be Lee Westwood’s Major Meltdown GC, but they’re going to have their hands full with Sergio Garcia’s Ball Washers.  The Ball Washers have really been rounding into form since Sergio sat the team down last month and reminded them of what they’re playing for.

“Look, we’re not just out here playing for obscene amounts of money.  We’re trying to build a tradition here…a tradition of playing for once unthinkable sums of cash, and if that doesn’t mean anything to you guys then you ain’t a Ball Washer.  You’re just a bunch of dirty balls,” Garcia upbraided his team after a poor showing in Portland.

Joining Phil Mickelson’s Mulligans GC will be former president Donald Trump.  It is said that the ex-leader of the free world is rather fond of taking free drops, so he should be well supplied by the Mulligans.  Rumor has it that Mickelson has been warned off proposing any side bets with the former president who reportedly hasn’t conceded a lost wager in several decades.   

The first two hundred cars to show up for the event will get their gas tanks topped off for free.  So, if you’re coming out, you’ll want to coast in on fumes to take advantage of this very special offer.

In an effort to combat inflation, President Biden faces intense pressure to lower legal age for claiming senior discounts

President Biden is under growing pressure from the left-wing of his party to lower the legal age at which one can claim a senior discount from 55 to 48.  

Facing a potential shellacking in the upcoming midterm elections due to rising inflation, Democrats are imploring the president to issue an executive order as soon as possible.

In most states the legal age for senior discounts varies between 55 and 62.  Congressional Democrats are calling for a national senior discount age that could potentially alleviate the pain of inflation for millions of Americans.

“We need a senior discount age that protects Americans across the nation.  We’re all seniors now.  Lower each state to 48,” Senator Elizabeth Warren lobbied the president.    

Adding to the urgency, business owners have seen a sharp rise in the number of individuals who do not qualify claiming senior discounts at the point of purchase.  

The problem has gotten so out of hand that county prosecutors are vowing to prosecute offenders to the fullest extent of the law.

“We’re prepared to throw the book at ‘em,” said Los Angeles District Attorney George Gascon, reacting to criticism that he’s soft on crime.  “We’ve got several informants working in various establishments keeping us plugged in to who are the worst offenders.  We caught a 25-year-old wearing a silver wig and trying to order off the senior menu.  We got a 32-year-old on camera using a walker and wearing a thrift store get up to claim a ten percent discount at the supermarket.” 

However, New York DA Alvin Bragg has a different suggestion for those wishing to get a head start on their golden years:  “Why don’t you just go in there and steal what you need?”

Large Hadron Collider researchers seeking suggestions for “shit we can smash together”

As the Large Hadron Collider at CERN fires up for “Run 3,” scientists are hoping to experiment with something a little more exciting than just smashing obscure subatomic particles together.  

Researchers admit that public interest in new particle discoveries is waning and are embarking on a new round of collisions sure to capture the public’s imagination. 

“A big suggestion coming out of the heartland is to smash a Dodge Ram pickup into a Chevy Silverado.  This could potentially settle a debate that’s been dividing the truck community for decades,” said CERN spokesperson Otto Von Braun.  Promoters of the experiment claim the result of the collision would be a new, never-before-seen heavy duty truck they’re calling the ”God pickup.”  Others say it already exists and it’s called the Ford F-150.   

Elsewhere, there are reports from Hollywood that Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly have offered to be smashed together in an act of violent lovemaking.  “At the moment of climax, we want to be thrust into a black hole and scattered to all corners of the universe,” the pair announced on Instagram. 

At the cutting edge of snack research, gastronomers are smashing together chocolate and peanut butter in an extraordinary attempt to find out why these two great tastes taste great together.  What makes the resulting whole taste greater than the sum of the two great tastes?  Scientists are hoping to discover whether there are special properties comprising ‘wholeness’ that cannot be found in its constituent parts.

Man unable to restrain the power and performance of his Town & Country minivan

A motorist was cited by police for speeding and reckless driving after he was spotted weaving in and out of traffic, making obscene gestures, and driving at an excessive rate of speed on a busy thoroughfare Saturday.

The 42-year-old Columbus native was issued a citation despite explaining to police that he was unable to restrain his Chrysler Town & Country minivan from accelerating rapidly and traveling at high rates of speed.

“This minivan cannot be contained,” argued the man after police said he was witnessed driving over a mile in the left-turn lane.  “It won’t just run with the pack.”

“Let me explain something to you about the Town and Country,” the man further elaborated.  “It’s a road warrior.  It corners like nobody’s business, goes from zero to ‘Hell Yes!’ in the blink of an eye, and still manages to stop on a dime.  That’s the ‘Town’ part.  In the ‘Country,’ it’s just a blur of shiny metal, a thrilling blend of power and aerodynamics.  It’s pure rock ‘n roll, officer.”

“Be that as it may, sir, we still have to issue you a citation,” said the policeman. 

“You may have caught up to me this time, officer.  But dig this,” the man warned, “the Town and Country has at its disposal evasive maneuvering capabilities unmatched in other domestic minivans.  In the future, I will not hesitate to deploy them.  Next time, the only thing you’re going to catch is a cloud of my dust.”

Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee. 

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.