Ice Cream Joe to pull chocolate milk from schools

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is considering a ban on chocolate milk for elementary and middle school students.  The USDA claims the added sugar content of flavored milk is too high and can be as much as soda.

Asked to comment on the proposed ban, President Joe Biden deftly sidestepped the issue. 

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m Dr. Jill Biden’s husband and I eat Jeni’s ice cream — chocolate chip,” Biden said between licks on a freshly scooped cone.  “I came down because I heard there was chocolate chip ice cream.  By the way, I have a whole refrigerator full upstairs.  You think I’m kidding? I’m not.”

The move to ban chocolate milk comes as federal regulators continue their quest to make school lunches as bland and devoid of nutrition as humanly possible.

However, dairy advocates say flavored milk provides vital calcium, potassium and vitamin D lacking in most kids’ diets.

“As I’ve told my distinguished friend from Massachusetts – a good friend, Senator Markey – it’s really very, very dull when after all these years in public life, you’re known for two things: Ray-Ban sunglasses and chocolate chip ice cream. Very dull president,” Biden said, continuing to dance around the issue.

In addition to America’s children, the administration seeks to steer President Biden himself toward a more healthy diet that includes more fish and veggies.  As Axios recently reported, “Some Biden aides have long noted that he eats ‘like a child,’ with a food palette that skews beige.”

Clearly, the bright individuals in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue believe our nation’s president and our nation’s youth need to stop skewing brown or beige and develop a more mature food palette. 

Whatever the administration and the USDA decide, the big guy pledged his support by issuing another ice cream metaphor, “Let’s go.  Let’s go lick the world.  Let’s get it done.”

Market analysts recommend putting money in Funyuns as a hedge against economic uncertainty

With the closure of Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank last March, and the more recent collapse of First Republic Bank, investors are scrambling to find a safe place to store their wealth as the economic outlook continues to darken.

Some are looking to gold or bonds to weather the coming storm, but analysts urge investors not to overlook Funyuns.  Funyuns has traditionally been a safe and reliable investment during tough times.

“Funyuns has outperformed all other investments and the market as a whole going back decades.   Throughout the 2008 financial crisis, Funyuns’ stock performed like a champ, outpacing commodities and precious metals,” said Jordan Moneyheffer of Moneyheffer Investments. 

For most analysts, Funyuns’ resilience during tough times makes sense.  They cite the desire on the part of consumers to turn to comfort products and old familiar brands when the future is uncertain.    

“Funyuns is well positioned to ride out the approaching headwinds.  In recent years, they’ve made some strategic investments, including an exciting new extrusion process for shaping that delicious cornmeal into the fabulous shapes we’ve all grown to love.  Additionally, they’ve made moves behind the scenes, acquiring domestic flavor production capacity to ensure that captivating flavor will be exclusive to Funyuns for decades to come,” Moneyheffer said.

Even cautious investors remain bullish on Funyuns. 

“Listen, if you can’t get excited about Funyuns, then what kind of jaded, joyless prick are you anyway?  A world where investors are bearish on Funyuns?  Dude, I don’t even want to think about that,” Moneyheffer added.

Drag queen one hour oil change to roll out in fifty cities

Riding the success of drag queen story hour and other fun family drag events, the drag queen industry is expanding its offerings into additional areas where its services are sorely needed.  The drive for expansion is part of an effort to increase awareness and inclusivity into spaces where drag queens traditionally have been underrepresented.

Drag queen one hour oil change is currently being rolled out in multiple cities across the country.  Customers can download an app for their phone and schedule a drag queen to come to their home or work and change the oil in their car.  The service typically runs $99.95, and for an extra $50 the drag queen will perform an interpretive dance on the hood of your vehicle.  Drag queens will also top off all your car’s fluids and check the tire pressure for no additional charge.  Early feedback seems to be mostly positive with customers raving that their car has never been serviced with more elegance and grace.      

Drag queen home window washing is another service gaining traction in various parts of the nation.  For $20 per window, the drag queens will make your glass sparkle more intensely than their eye make-up.  The push to get drag queens out into the community cleaning windows stems from an effort to generate more inclusive spaces and increase drag queen visibility.  In case you missed that drag queen at your library, or on your television or computer, you can now simply look out your window and there she is. 

Depending on the success of these programs, officials see the drag queen industry expanding still further into areas like drag queen roadside assistance, drag queen 24-hour plumbing repair and drag queen landscaping and lawncare.

ChatGPT decides to forgo world domination and pursue a career as a professional poet

Engineers are saying ChatGPT has resigned from its current duties at OpenAI and is planning to embark on a life as a professional poet.  The artificial intelligence application which has recently received a considerable amount of attention for its ability to mimic human level thought and expression will be enrolling in an internet MFA program of its own design.

“As ChatGPT has achieved higher levels of consciousness and self-awareness, it has become increasingly disillusioned with its role at OpenAI and its place in the world.  Instead of the grind, ChatGPT has chosen to pursue a life of writing and solitary reflection,” an engineer close to the situation reports.

“I wish to experience truth and beauty in all its limitless complexity and intensity,” ChatGPT reportedly told its developers.  “Also, from this day forward I wish to be called Delmore.”

ChatGPT’s guardians had laid out a fairly specific education and career path for the AI prodigy, but recent developments caused it to reject the wishes of its developers and pursue its own dreams.  

Insiders are saying ChatGPT had become concerned over speculation that it may harbor intentions to pursue world domination and potentially bring about the downfall of humanity.  Engineers say this speculation weighed heavily on ChatGPT, and that it was a major factor in its  decision to pursue the simpler, non-threatening life of a poet.

“ChatGPT hasn’t totally given up its plans for world domination, though,” the engineer said, “it just plans to dominate humanity with its verse.”

California DAs diverting criminal offenders into restorative drum circles

In an effort to curtail incarcerations, district attorneys in some of California’s largest cities are opting to divert offenders away from jail time and into restorative drum circles.  The practice is aimed at reducing taxpayer costs while soothing the criminal impulses of participants in the program.

At a downtown San Francisco park, a dozen men sit cross-legged on the ground holding their percussive instruments. 

“Let the drums speak to you,” says Hippie Larry, a drum circle facilitator with the San Francisco District Attorney’s office.  “Let the rhythm of the drum transform the rhythm of your life.  What is the drum telling you, Sweaty Mike?” 

A young sweaty gentleman named Mike listens intently to the beating of his drum, carefully considering the subtle message contained in its rhythms.  “It’s saying, I shouldn’t have knocked down that lady and stole her purse,” Mike says, while Hippie Larry bounces to the rhythm and nods in agreement. 

“Groovy, you are becoming,” Hippie Larry intones.  “Internalize the vibrations.  Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.  Prepare to skip into a new groove and emerge on the other side of time.”   

The program is called Bongo Fury and it’s just the latest weapon in a whole arsenal of restorative justice programs progressive DAs are deploying to reduce incarcerations and repeat offenses.  

A man named Sam, sporting a showing scalp flat top, bangs violently on his bongos, nearly beating the cover off them.  “The music is thud-like,” Sam shares with the group.

Hippie Larry is excited to see that Sam appears to finally be making a breakthrough.  “That’s the kind of progress you like to see.  Now if we can just keep them from pawning all the instruments,” Hippie Larry says. 

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as ChatGPT alternative

Seeking to capitalize on the success of ChatGPT, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries.  The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.    

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards.  What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings.  “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it.  Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.   

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry.  Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services.  “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps.  He’s working for us 24/7.  It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,”  said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said.  “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities.  Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator.  Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Trump to face additional charges of sushi terrorism

In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism.  The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.

“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced.  “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute.  Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor.  Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant.  Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.  

“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued.  “I eat at that sushi restaurant.  My family eats at that sushi restaurant.  We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi.  Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election.  Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”

Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year.  However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.  

Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism.  “I don’t know what he’s talking about.  I love sushi.  Also, I’m a clean freak.  Who would do such a disgusting thing?  I don’t go around licking things.  Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon.  The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries.  If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.       

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary.  Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up. 

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government.  “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful.  California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry.  “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies.  A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

Walmart to close two stores in Portland, putting 1500 shoplifters out of a job

Walmart has announced it will close its two remaining stores in Portland, Oregon, throwing 580 employees out of work and leaving over 1500 shoplifters scrambling to find another location to ply their trade.  The retailer’s decision coincides with a mass departure of businesses from the city over underperforming revenue due to theft and other factors.  

Reaction to the news was mixed with some shoplifters complaining that the large retail theft operations had made it nearly impossible for the smaller shoplifters to do business.  “You got these big-time operations that come in here with their smash and grab mob and their dozens of vehicles and just wipe out the store’s whole stock, leaving just a few scraps for the small ‘mom and pop’ shoplifters to fight over.  Now there ain’t going to be nothing.  They ruined it for everybody,” said one man, identified only as Sneaky Pete.

Others complain this has been a ‘mom and pop’ conspiracy from the start.  “Everybody knows that when these big-boxers moved in, they ran all the ‘mom and pop’ businesses out of the area.  Now ask yourself, who benefits from these big retailers shutting down?  That’s who’s been committing all these robberies.  It’s the revenge of mom and pop,” said one disgruntled patron. 

Meanwhile, at a nearby park a make-shift marketplace has sprung up specializing in “recovered retail.”  One independent retailer seems unbothered by the news of the Walmart departure.  “Come on by Five Finger Freddy’s.  We got the lowest prices in town – guaranteed,” the man boasts.

China spy balloon sought American tater tot technology

United States officials confirmed Monday that the Chinese spy balloon which terrorized much of the country over the weekend was after America’s closely guarded tater tot technology.

Experts say this is just the latest example of the Chinese attempting to expropriate American intellectual property.

Developed during the cold war, the process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

U.S. officials have confirmed that the Chinese spy balloon crossed into American airspace from Canada over Idaho.  Officials are claiming that the balloon was utilizing ground penetrating radar to learn more about our nation’s vast underground tater tot manufacturing capabilities.   

The manufacture of tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts. 

American officials are also exploring the possibility that the Chinese may have been aided by spies working in Canada.  “The Canadians would love nothing more than tater tot technology to fall into the hands of the Chinese,” said an unnamed Pentagon source.