November 2018 – If there is something

Scientists: Human ancestors and a guy named Dennis “mate with anything vaguely human”

In the past ten years, a successful attempt to sequence the genome of Neanderthals revealed that most modern humans carry 2-4% Neanderthal DNA, indicating our human ancestors bred with their ancient cousins.

Further scientific research into a finger bone discovered in Siberia uncovered a whole new group of archaic humans we now refer to as Denisovans. Once again, DNA comparisons with humans revealed that the two species on occasion made the beast with two backs.

Additional investigation of human DNA found remnants of other hominim species completely unknown to scientists.

These findings have led scientists to conclude that our human ancestors had no misgivings about mating with anything that looked vaguely human.

Then along came Dennis, a “modern human” who seems to carry many genetic features derived from our ancient past.

“I came to the attention of scientists when I sent off a 23 and Me sample. It came back showing that roughly 18% of my DNA could be traced back to Neanderthals, Denisovans, and a vast array of other unknown ancient hominims. This knowledge really began to answer a lot of questions for me.”

Police records reveal a man who’s been arrested on multiple occasions for trying to hump museum statues and department store mannequins.

Out at the bars, he often tries to attract prospective females with a strange ritual of chest thumping, growling and throwing dirt around. Additionally, he’s been known to lay the remains of a half eaten steak at the feet of a female he’s particularly fond of.

Hypnotic regression therapy is helping Dennis confront some of his primitive impulses.

“I carry within me the knowledge of what it’s like to copulate with a Denisovan. They lived around 500,000 years ago. Let me tell you, sex with a Denisovan is a pretty wild experience. Far from sharing a tender and loving moment, it’s savage and brutal, quite terrifying really. Some of the females have been known to kill the male after the act.”

These deep memories of a time long ago have left Dennis psychologically scarred but hopeful for the future.

“I’m currently in psychotherapy which seems to be helping. I’m also in a pretty committed relationship with a female that carries an unusually high amount of Neanderthal DNA. I think she gets me.”

White people celebrate news Sinead O’Connor no longer wants to spend time with them

White people around the world are rejoicing at news Sinead O’Connor has decided she no longer wants “to spend time with white people again…Not for one moment, for any reason.”

“Hooray, our long global nightmare is over!” shouted one ecstatic white person who wishes to remain nameless. “No more calling and dropping by at all hours with her endless list of grievances and her sanctimonious crap.”

All over the streets of Whiteland there was non-stop joy and celebration as the news dropped on Tuesday.

“Oh happy day! Everything is wonderful and new again,” cried a caucasian woman enjoying her lunch break next to a hot dog stand. “This disgusting, dried up wiener tastes like the food of the gods.”

White people were spotted dancing, quite stiffly and awkwardly, on sidewalks, cars and rooftops. Others gleefully sang out of tune and played air guitar.

A small group of culture appropriating white people attempted to express their sudden euphoria through rap and beat boxing, but were quickly shut down and rounded up by authorities without incident.

Elsewhere, horrified at the prospect of a Sinead O’Connor pop-in, muslims and people of color locked their doors, took the phone off the hook, and suddenly had “this thing they had to go to.”

Anxious university students demand maestro cease conducting orchestra with a baton

Students at a prestigious northeastern university are demanding the school’s orchestra conductor cease and desist from using either his hands or his baton when conducting the university orchestra.

“The abrupt hand movements and the brandishing of a baton are triggering extreme anxiety in some of the student audience members,” says Arnold Lane, a spokesperson for the group demanding the maestro lay down his baton. “We’re requesting the maestro consider alternative, less fear producing methods of conducting, such as raising and lowering his eyebrows.”

“Well the baton’s got to go, for sure,” says one cisgender female student who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean it’s like he’s up there waving a big penis around, isn’t it?”

“I’m terrified he’s going to turn around and beat me with it,” added her male friend.

The student’s demands come on the heels of the group’s successful effort to have applause banned and replaced with “jazz hands,” considered a more sensitive approach to showing appreciation.

Orchestra members are naturally skeptical of eyebrow conducting. “The maestro’s eyebrows are actually quite bushy and menacing,” commented one member. “I actually think a gentle bending or wagging of the index fingers might be the least triggering method.”

Students are planning demonstrations and performance interruptions until their demands are satisfied.