Month: October 2020

Illinois tourism offering quarantine getaway packages

The State of Illinois would like to make Chicago your quarantine destination.  Responding to a lagging tourist economy brought on by skyrocketing homicides and an out-of-control epidemic, officials at Illinois tourism are venturing way outside the box to come up with bold and innovative ways to promote the Second City.  

On Monday, officials unveiled “Come quarantine with us!” a glitzy new multi-million dollar campaign to attract visitors to the Windy City.  Offering 14-day getaway packages to some of Chicago’s finest hotels and resorts, the aggressive advertising attempts to lure quarantine tourism from surrounding states.    

“We want folks to think of Chicago as America’s premiere pandemic destination.  If you’ve accidentally come in contact with an infected individual, why not quarantine in luxury and style,” says Jake Winterbottom, a spokesperson for the Illinois Board of Tourism.  

“Our hotels offer the finest amenities,” the ads boast, “and with our new Windy City Video Tours you can explore Chicagoland from the comfort and safety of your 5-star hotel room.  Thank your lucky stars you stayed indoors as you watch lawless mobs of looters trash Chicago’s Magnificent Mile.  Dine on room service as you witness a real live carjacking.  We’re adding new video tours everyday, so don’t miss out!

“Are narcotics your thing?  Download Chicagoland’s own DrugHub app and experience a slice of Chicago style hospitality as the city’s finest gig workers keep you higher than the Sears Tower for the duration of your stay.” 

Chicago public health commissioner Alison Arwady endorsed the new campaign as a necessary step to improve an ailing economy while concurrently trying to protect Chicago’s ailing population.  Citing “a poorly contained outbreak” in Indiana, despite the Hoosier state showing significantly better per capita numbers than Illinois, the commissioner supports a plan that doesn’t make an already bad public health situation even worse.  “Clearly, with all the murders and sickness and what have you in our fair city, quarantine tourism makes the most sense to boost our economy while also protecting visitors from our abysmal public health record,” Arwady said.

A modest non-endorsement

In an election where there can’t be two losers, once again as in 2016, Americans are faced with the difficult decision of choosing the least objectionable candidate.  This is a decision most voters do not take lightly.  Picking the candidate who will do the least amount of damage to American democracy and our standing in the world could have ramifications for decades to come.  Future generations will look back and with the benefit of hindsight judge our effort to cast aside the least deserving of two exceedingly unworthy candidates.  We cannot let them down.  We cannot let America down.  We must correctly identify the biggest loser and then vote for the other guy.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden possess qualities that in any other time and place would probably prevent them from getting anywhere close to the presidency.  Indeed, both have unsuccessfully sought the job many times.  True, Obama won twice with Biden on the ticket, but Biden’s own efforts to seek the presidency, until recently, have not fared well.  And, yes, after multiple tries, Trump shocked the world and himself in 2016 with his improbable win just days after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in over a hundred years.  The universe still hasn’t stopped laughing.    

Both Trump and Biden are shit-talking bullshitters of the highest order.  Visitors to Bullshit Mountain may have seen their likenesses carved into its face.  Granted, the excrement doesn’t flow as freely and voluminously out of the mouth of Biden as it once did, but he still has his moments.  Check out his story of being arrested on the streets of Soweto trying to visit an imprisoned Nelson Mandela.  Trump’s shit-talking powers seem to only sharpen with age, as evidenced by the last four years.  On his current trajectory, it’s only a matter of time before he’ll refuse to condemn Satan because the devil has only ever said nice things about him. 

Probably the most remarkable quality about both of these guys is their capacity for colossal self-delusion.  And while it would be extremely satisfying to send both of them packing, one of them is likely going to get the job of running the country for the next four years.  Therefore, we ought to reject the guy who is wholly incapable of putting the interests of the country ahead of his own, and pick the guy who may occasionally think of someone other than himself.  On that count, the choice is clear, Trump needs to go, and the other guy needs to become the next President of the United States of America.