January 2018 – If there is something

Norwegian migrant workers descend upon California

Answering President Trump’s call for more Norwegian immigrants, thousands of guest workers from Norway have descended upon California in search of seasonal ag employment. The response has been so overwhelming that special tent cities have been erected to deal with the enormous influx.

The state is also struggling to meet some of the invited immigrants unique demands. “We’ve run into a shortage of reindeer steaks. Also, if anyone knows how to make glogg, please let us know,” says Dennis Ball, Deputy Administrator for Homeland Security.

In California and elsewhere, employers are scrambling to meet the expectations of these highly desirable guest laborers. “Well they expect free health and dental, a living wage, and they only want to work 30 hours a week,” complains John Nichols, a vegetable grower and distributor. “Additionally, they want five weeks of paid vacation per year, free tuition on higher education and 48 weeks of parental leave per child. It’s quite a list of demands, but if you want the best…”

For some Norwegian immigrants, life in the United States is not living up to what the great orange one promised. “The reindeer meat sucks,” said one new arrival, “and the beer is too weak. Compared to Norway, this place is kind of a shit hole.”

CNN launches ‘CNN Executive Time’

In an effort to keep President Trump from meddling in the affairs of the executive branch, CNN in cooperation with the White House staff is launching CNN Executive Time. The new news channel is streamed directly into the White House to keep the president pacified and engaged in round the clock executive time.

“We feel chaos and confusion is limited and the executive branch functions better when the president is disengaged,” said one senior White House staffer. “Providing his gargantuan ego with a steady diet of praise and false sense of accomplishment limits potential damage to policy goals.”

Hearing the call to serve the greater good of its country, CNN has been enlisted to stream a unique version of its product with the sole purpose of keeping the president pacified and mesmerized. “Trump can’t get enough of himself. If we can keep him happy in his bath robe and out of the Oval Office, then maybe we can get through this long national nightmare,” said a CNN exec close to the project.

Daily programming begins with a morning show entitled The Collusion Delusion. Veteran presenter Chris Cuomo hosts and basically repeats, “No collusion, there’s no collusion. Dems have said there’s no collusion. Absolutely no collusion. Clinton collusion,” with expert guests affirming the no collusion assessment.

Midday programming consists of fake footage of President Trump performing the duties of his office even as, in reality, he sits munching on McDonalds, transfixed by what he’s able to accomplish without even having to be present.

Jake Tapper hosts an hour in the afternoon entitled, I Drank the Kool Aid and I Feel Much Better Now, Thank You. No explanation necessary.

CNN special assignment showcases Famous Walls of History. Hadrian’s wall, the Great Wall of China, Pink Floyd The Wall and the Berlin wall are all featured. “Mr. Trump, build that wall,” former President Reagan implores the current president from alternative facts history.

Deep state in deep shit?

Better watch your backs, agents of the deep state. If Rep. Francis Rooney gets his way, you’re going to be in a world of shit. Speaking to MSNBC, the GOP representative from Florida offered his assessment of the DOJ and FBI, “I would like to see the directors of these agencies purge…these people that are kind of deep state.”

To this end, House Republicans have developed a purity test for identifying and ultimately drowning these deep state actors in the very swamp they swim in. It’s called the deep state detector and it’s housed in a plexiglass chamber in the bowels of the Capitol. Functioning much like a lie detector, the subject is seated in a chair where vital signs and brain activity are monitored to reveal offenders harboring deep state secrets. When the impure are identified, a torrent of Capitol Hill sewage fills the chamber and the deep state villain is flushed back into the swamp from whence they came.

Calibrating the machine should not have been difficult as some of the House Judiciary Committee’s most upright and fair minded GOP members were willing to sit for a reading.

Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte volunteered himself as the purest example of non-deep state impartiality. The man who earlier commented that the DOJ’s “reputation as an impartial arbiter of justice has been called into question,” was asked if he thought he could fairly investigate and weed out DOJ and FBI deep staters despite his own Republican loyalty. He had no sooner formed his response in the affirmative when the chamber rapidly filled with Capitol Hill shit (much of it his own) and was promptly flushed out into the swamp.

After earlier receiving many backslaps and complimentary high fives for his tough questioning of the FBI Director and Deputy AG, and letting them know that as the Russia investigation goes, “I think the public trust in this thing is gone,” Ohio Representative Jim Jordan offered himself up as the gold standard of non-partisan fairness. “In light of your GOP fundraising and full throated support of Republican political objectives, can you truly investigate the administration in a non-biased and non-partisan manner?” he was asked. Jim Jordan was flushed into the Potomac on a cascading wave of Capitol Hill excrement and the deep state detector is still very much a work in progress.

Trump to Putin: This winter’s on us

More evidence of Trump/Russia collusion or just a very chilly coincidence, some internet researchers are pointing to a recent arctic cold spell as proof of a quid pro quo between the president and Putin.

In many areas of the nation today, high temperatures hovered in the single digits while Moscow delighted in a balmy 35 F. Normal highs for January 1 would have most americans waking up hung over to temps in the thirties while the russians would turn to vodka to ward off chilly readings in the teens.

So what’s the reason for the reversal? Some point to Trump’s weeks long relocation to Mar-a-Lago as evidence that something is amiss. The arctic blast just happened to coincide with his trip down south. And what about the increased activity of military aircraft around the arctic circle some researchers are reporting. Is the military manipulating the jet stream on the president’s orders? Is it all pay back for Russia handing Trump an election victory?

For now, we can only speculate and take comfort in the assurance that in time Trump Jr. will surely loosen his lips and let the whole cat out of the bag.