Congress passes $817 billion relief package for struggling Pentagon

Fresh off the Defense Department’s fifth failed audit, Congress came to the rescue Friday authorizing $817 billion to be pumped into the gaping black hole that is the Pentagon’s gargantuan budget.  Congressional leaders hope the massive appropriation is enough to temporarily satiate the Pentagon beast and satisfy its ravenous appetite.  Citing inflation concerns, officials say this year’s budget represents a nearly ten percent increase over the previous year.  

“Inflation being what it is, we expect our capability and readiness to mismanage a shit ton of funding to increase as well,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin.  “Projections indicate losses due to waste, fraud, abuse and criminality to grow dramatically in fiscal year 2023.”

Austin’s comments appear to align with the results of the most recent defense department audit where 1,600 auditors failed to account for 61 percent of the Pentagon’s assets.  Pentagon Comptroller Mike McCord described the failed audit as a “teachable moment.”

“I would not say that we flunked. The process is important for us to do, and it is making us get better. It is not making us get better as fast as we want,” McCord said. 

Despite the waste, fraud and abuse, lawmakers cite the need to outpace foreign rivals as the driving force behind the increased funding. 

“Month after month, year after year, competitors such as China are methodically pouring money and planning into upgrading and modernizing their own militaries,” croaked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “They are constantly probing new ways to expand their military, intelligence, economic, and political reach — indirectly or directly threatening American forces and our allies’ and partners’ forces.”

Indeed, China spent a whopping $230 billion last year on its defense.  The figure marked a seven percent increase in probing new ways to threaten the United States over the previous year.  

Additionally, the mainstream media’s favorite bogeyman and number one threat to American democracy Russia has announced it will spend $84 billion on defense in 2023, a 40 percent increase over its previously allocated amount.  At its present pace, Russia could overtake what the United States spends on Ukrainian defense as early as 2024.

To be sure, with all the perceived threats looming out there, Congress can’t shovel money fast enough into the bottomless abyss that is the United States Defense budget.  Additionally, members of both parties and the media are having none of this talk of budget oversight or negotiated solutions to ongoing conflicts.  “Don’t speak of diplomacy and things that don’t explode, you Russian stooge,” warn the paid experts and former intelligence officials on MSNBC and at the Washington Post.

Sammy the Crypto Clown out on bail

Sam Bankman Fried, aka SBF, aka the Notorious SBF, aka Sammy the Crypto Clown is free on $250 million bail today.  Sources report the disgraced FTX CEO attempted to pay his bail in FTT tokens but was prevented in doing so by the judge.  SBF argued that while currently worthless those FTT tokens would one day bring untold riches to whoever possessed them.  The judge ruled the court would rather have his parents’ home. 

Meanwhile, FTX CTO Gary “Wang Bang” Wang and Alameda CEO and crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison have pleaded guilty to multiple federal charges including wire fraud, wire fraud conspiracy, and conspiracy to commit securities fraud.  Sources report the pair are cooperating with federal prosecutors.

SBF will be required to wear an ankle band and must confine his activities to his parents’ California home, the judge ruled.  Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried have promised the court to closely supervise their son and steer him away from operating any multi-billion dollar Ponzi schemes while he awaits trial.

Despite resigning her position with Democratic super political action committee Mind the Gap, Barbara Fried is now calling upon her Silicon Valley mega-donor friends to give generously to her son’s legal defense fund.  Contributing to the Democratic Party is no longer the most effective way to promote positive change in the world, Fried argues.  Instead, securing SBF’s freedom through charitable giving is the best way to promote peace and justice this holiday season.

Fifty years after Lou Reed took a Walk on the Wild Side

Fifty years after Lou Reed released the album Transformer, his Walk on the Wild Side is looking increasingly like a walk on the mild side.  While it will always be one of the great rock and roll albums, the taboo subjects and subversive themes Reed explored in those days now seem rather tame by present standards, and would probably only elicit yawns from many listeners today.  To be sure, taking a walk on the wild side ain’t what it used to be.    

Take Holly from Miami FLA, for instance.  After plucking her eyebrows, shaving her legs and becoming a she, Holly eagerly sets out to take a walk on the wild side.  Thirsting for adventure, she hits the mean streets of the city ready to give the tiger a whirl.  Instead she’s ushered into the local public library where she reads children’s books to the assembled youngsters for an hour.  Later in the day, she’s invited to participate in a family friendly event where she dances and lip-syncs while moms and dads sip beer, kids geek out on Mountain Dew and they all devour hot wings and french fries.  

Then there’s Candy from out on the Island.  Of course, the back room is no longer her scene.  Candy has an OnlyFans page where she’s assembled quite a following of pathetic rich dudes who are all certain Candy’s heart belongs only to them.  She’s still everybody’s darling, but if you want her to be your darling, you’ll have to register in advance for the special private group event at the OnlyFans Convention in Las Vegas.

Jackie is still speeding away, only now she’s on Adderall to treat her “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”  Jackie’s job in the tech sector demands that she take on more projects and become more productive.  She’s strutting her stuff on the wild side, logging twenty hour days for a crypto start-up.  While she has no idea who James Dean is, she does sometimes feel like a god and pities all those poor souls who’ve never experienced the pleasures of amphetamines.   

Sometimes it feels like the wild side should’ve stayed in the wild.  There was something secret and thrilling about reading stories or hearing songs from a world that was illicit and underground.  Most likely, the wild side was doomed when Lou Reed penned his songs all those years ago.  Certainly, by the time he did that Honda Scooter commercial, it was curtains for the wild side.

Patriot Girl Dolls flying off the shelves this holiday season

Rocketing to the top of Amazon’s hottest selling Christmas gifts this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll.  Popular retailers like Wal-Mart and Target sell out of the sassy little freedom fighters as soon as they hit the shelves.

Patriot Girl Dolls come outfitted in a red, white and blue camouflage patterned jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 rifle right out the box.  Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3.  Also, for a limited time, retailers are offering a Patriot Girl pocket Bill of Rights with every purchase.

On the flipside, retailers are having a devil of a time interesting the public in Patty the Activist Girl Doll.  Standard with every Patty Doll is a revolution backpack filled with a mouthwatering assortment of vegan snacks.  Also, each Patty Doll comes with an audio chip ready to record your target for cancellation.  Just tell Patty the name of whoever makes your blood boil and listen to her chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas) has got to go.”

The holiday’s biggest bust would have to be the Sam Bankman-Fried Doll.  Several shipping containers full of the disgraced former FTX CEO are sitting in the Port of Long Beach after plans to retail the dolls were put on hold following the collapse of FTX.  Currently, the SBF dollmaker is pursuing plans to repurpose the doll by dying its hair red, applying funny make-up and marketing it as Sammy the Crypto Clown.

Crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison seeks barista position in NYC

Disgraced former Alameda Research CEO and one-time love interest of the Notorious SBF was photographed inquiring after a barista position in New York on Sunday.

Currently undergoing acute amphetamine withdrawal, the former billionaire later tweeted, “Great interview!  Nothing like regular caffeine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is!”  

According to sources, Ellison was somewhat evasive when answering interview questions regarding her past work experience.  She did, however, claim to be detail-oriented, have exceptional customer service skills and have an above second grade understanding of mathematics and finance.

Sources say management rejected her request for a $500 million sign-on bonus, but were willing to consider her request for afternoons off, as Ellison claims she’s presently interning at a nearby office of federal prosecutors.      

Meanwhile in the Bahamas, there was little activity Sunday at the former polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome turned monoamorous gloom room of doom where Sam Bankman Fried is currently hunkered down.  Sources report witnessing SBF skulking around the exclusive Albany Resort compound in a bathrobe, muttering incoherently to himself.

The disgraced former FTX founder has been engaged in a flurry of media appearances as of late, speaking with just about anyone willing to listen to his tale of woe.  In a recent appearance on The Cryptomancer podcast, SBF answered charges that he defrauded investors:  “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started this that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know.”

Does Delphi probable cause rule out conspiracy?

According to information contained in the probable cause affidavit released Tuesday, it seems likely accused Delphi killer Richard M. Allen intended to commit murder when he went to the Monon High Bridge on February 13, 2017.  If he parked his car at a place and in a manner that would make it difficult to conclusively identify, if he carried a gun and dressed in a manner that disguised his appearance, as seems to be the case, then he almost certainly went to the bridge intending to kill.  He wasn’t just standing on the bridge staring at the fish when the urge to murder came over him.  Moreover, if the probable cause affidavit is accurate, then he displayed little interest in other females who were on the trails that day.  Of course, it could just be that his plan was to wait and see if any females crossed the bridge.  Maybe that was the necessary precondition to set his plan into motion.  Additionally, it seems likely that he intended to carry out the assault in the area of the bridge.  Why wait until his victims crossed the bridge to try to force them at gunpoint through the woods, across the creek, out to the road and back to his car?  If Richard M. Allen is the killer, which a fair amount of compelling evidence would seem to suggest, then he knew he was going to kill before he went there, and he may have even known who his victims would be.

If the evidence contained in the probable cause affidavit is correct, then Richard M. Allen spent a great deal of time at the scene of the crime.  By his own admission, he did not leave the bridge area until 3:30 p.m.  Also, a witness saw a man walking along County Road 300 North “at approximately 3:57 p.m.” wearing “muddy and bloody” clothes matching the description of the clothes Richard M. Allen admits to wearing.  This means he probably spent a better part of an hour at the crime scene.  If true, this detail would be consistent with statements made by former Carroll County Prosecutor Robert Ives who described the crime scene as “odd” and noted the presence of at least three “signatures.”  “It was not your normal ‘a person was killed here’ crime scene, that’s probably all I can say about it,” Ives said.  These details would appear to indicate that Allen was engaging in behavior that went beyond the act of murder.  Indeed, the Ron Logan search warrant makes reference to staging the scene.  According to WISH-TV, “The document says authorities also found that two articles of clothing from one of the girls ‘…was missing from the crime scene while the rest of their clothing was recovered. It also appeared the girls’ bodies were moved and staged….Based upon my training and experience it is common for perpetrators of this type of crime to take a ‘souvenir’ or, in some fashion, memorialize the crime scene.’”

Clearly, the perpetrator of this crime had a plan, something he had fantasized about for some time.  Richard M. Allen’s purported behavior at the bridge that day appears consistent with someone who had bloody intentions and could very likely have had a clear target in mind.  But why that time, that place and those two innocent children of Delphi.  Could an overweight, balding, boastful, depraved exploiter of young girls have tipped off Richard Allen, or an anonymous profile that turned out to be Allen?  As Alice of The Prosecutors podcast recently theorized, “Kegan could have just been bragging because he’s stupid…It could potentially be, taking it out of the coincidence world, out of the crazy conspiracy world, where they’re all working together behind the scenes, Kegan could have just been stupid and posted a snapshot of his conversation and been like, ‘I got two girls coming to meet me.’  He was never going to go because he is a sad guy who never carries out what he’s going to do.  But someone saw that and was like, ‘That’s an opportunity.  I’m gonna do this.’” 

While it’s definitely within the realm of possibility that Kline’s messaging with Libby, the Marathon Gas Station search, the waiting in a red vehicle admission and the Wabash River search were all just coincidences and lies, Alice’s theory seems entirely reasonable as a possible explanation of these connections.  However, I wouldn’t be too quick to rule out the possibility of “they’re all working together behind the scenes.”  While there may not have been a highly coordinated diabolical plan in operation here, as I’ve written about in previous blog posts, some level of communication or possible coordination is not without precedent in this part of Indiana. 

A June 17, 2022 press release from the Department of Justice, U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of Indiana titled Two Predators Sentenced to Federal Prison for Sexually Exploiting Four Children They met on Social Media Platforms reads:

“INDIANAPOLIS – Thomas James Israel, 46, of Ft. Wayne, and Max Schafer, 31, of Brownsburg, were each sentenced to federal prison for their role in exploiting four children between October 2019 and August 2020. One of the victims was exploited by both Israel and Schafer during separate incidents.   Israel previously pleaded guilty to sexual exploitation of a child and distribution of child sexual abuse material. On November 15, 2021, Chief Judge Tanya Walton Pratt sentenced Israel to twenty-five years in federal prison. Late yesterday, Schafer pleaded guilty to receipt of visual depictions of minors engaging in sexually explicit conduct and possession of child sexual abuse material. District Judge James R. Sweeney II sentenced Schafer to over fourteen years (175 months) in federal prison.

“According to court documents, between April 2020 and June 2020, Israel met his first minor victim, who was 14, using online applications such as Omegle and Meetme. Using Snapchat and Kik, Israel persuaded this victim to meet with him in person, then forced the victim into sadomasochistic sexual abuse, including forceful oral sex and assault. Israel recorded the sexual abuse on his mobile phone and later sent the video to the victim.

“Israel met a second minor victim using Snapchat and persuaded the victim to send him explicit videos and photos of herself. When this victim was between 14 and 16 years old, she sent her minor boyfriend sexually explicit images and videos of herself. Without her consent, the boyfriend disseminated the images and videos over the internet. Israel downloaded those images and videos onto his online storage account and viewed them for a sexual purpose. 

“Israel met his third minor victim, who was between 14 and 16 years’ old, over Omegle. Knowing that the victim suffered from mental health issues, Israel induced her to produce child sex abuse material, and to sell the images and videos to others online. Israel took a percentage of the fees and paid the victim by sending her gift cards from Victoria’s Secret.

“According to court documents, Schafer also met Israel’s first minor victim using Omegle. Knowing that the minor victim was only fourteen years old, Schafer met and engaged in sexually explicit conduct with the victim. Schafer also persuaded the victim to send him the video that Israel produced, depicting Israel’s violent sexual abuse of the child.”

As this case and many others show, these predators are highly networked.  While it may be rare for one to commit murder, it is not at all rare for them to coordinate and share victims, whether it be for the purposes of sharing images or in person sexual assault.  As one former investigator put it, when it comes to this type of criminal behavior, “There are no coincidences.”

Cash strapped dad tells daughter no American Girl Doll this Christmas. Suggests Hoosier Sally Doll instead.

This Christmas season, inflationary pressures have forced dads like me to have difficult conversations with their offspring.  A recent comment from my daughter asserting that one could buy almost anything for a hundred dollars prompted an overdue conversation about the value of money.  Putting on my wise old dad hat, I informed her that there are actually a lot of things you can’t buy for a hundred dollars.  She promptly came back at me with the American Girl Doll.  At this suggestion, I confidently assured her that a hundred dollars could easily cover the cost of a silly little doll, only to start hyperventilating when I discovered that American Girl Dolls start at around $119 retail. 

Immediately I pivoted to other options, hoping to get her interested in something a little less expensive.  “Hey, how about we check out some of these other dolls?” I suggested, frantically scrolling as American Girl Doll prices escalated to levels rivaling the price of an ounce of gold.  After a while, I came across some more reasonably priced knockoffs that, while cheaper, were also a bit strange and disconcerting.  I quickly moved past the Downtown Lisa doll, trying to momentarily divert my daughter’s attention until we found something a little more wholesome.  

Next we stumbled upon Patriot Girl Doll.  “Look at this one, sweetie.  Patriot Girl comes with a cute red, white and blue camouflage outfit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15.  Okay, maybe that one’s not for us.  Hey, check out Moscow Maria.  She’s a hard bitten Muscovite who dreams of marrying an oligarch when she grows up.”  Neither of these options seemed to deliver quite the same magic and fascination as the American Girl Doll.  

Sensing a vibe of rapidly growing disappointment coming from my daughter, I hurriedly searched until I came across a doll that I hoped would be the clincher.  “Look, sweetie, here’s one that’s right up our alley.  This little darling goes by the name Hoosier Sally.  She lives in a late model luxury trailer home just like we do!  Sally lives there with her mother, her brother and 14 cats.  Oh, and here’s the best part, Hoosier Sally Dolls retail for a very reasonable $39.99.” 

Once again, dad’s pragmatism failed to glide in for a successful landing and a hint of disappointment began to reveal itself on my daughter’s face.  To her credit, she shook it off and sauntered away to watch some cartoons.  Looks like Santa’s going to save the day again and come through with that American Girl Doll this Christmas.