Month: January 2024

Man unsettled by appearance of decapitated snowman on his lawn

While shoveling his walk early this morning, Mr. Arthur Brown was startled to discover the decapitated remains of a snowman lying on his lawn.  What he at first mistook as possibly a snow covered soccer ball, on closer inspection turned out to be a head.  The snowman’s carrot nose and a single arm lay nearby.  The rest of the torso was missing.  The remains lay a few feet from an alley that runs along the property, indicating that a car may have stopped and deposited the snowman’s parts sometime during the night.

“It was pretty gruesome.  Nothing prepares you for a sight like that.  I mean, some kid probably made that snowman, and for some sicko to come along and remove the head and throw it in some stranger’s yard, what kind of evil person does such a thing?” Mr. Brown said.

Suspicion immediately fell upon some neighborhood vandals.  “Over the holidays we had a group of teens stirring up trouble.  They took the lights from one neighbor’s festive display and rearranged them to spell the word ‘TITS’.  Real cool,” Mr. Brown said sarcastically.

According to police, this most recent discovery is not an isolated incident, but part of a pattern of snowman slayings city-wide.  “This is our third snowman slaying this month,” said Detective Russ Cole of the Riverbend Police Department.  “Somebody in this town really hates fucking snowmen.  At first he’d try to bury the remains under some fresh powder or hide them behind some bushes.  Now he’s just leaving them out in the open, like he’s trying to send us a message.  I tell you, spring can’t come soon enough for this town.”

Pressure on LIV Golf to acquire some underdogs

Within minutes of amateur Nick Dunlap’s historic PGA Tour victory, Greg Norman’s texts were lighting up with demands from his Saudi overlords to bring the same level of excitement and drama to LIV Golf.

“Are you seeing this, Shark?  Why don’t we have any Cinderella stories?  LIV needs drama, Greg Norman!  Spare no expense.  Buy us some amateurs!  Get us some underdogs, Shark!” the texts read.

The Alabama sophomore’s improbable victory over some of the PGA Tour’s finest highlighted what’s special about the PGA Tour and exposed one of LIV Golf’s most glaring weaknesses.  LIV Golf can’t produce the high-drama, engrossing narratives that are a recurring attraction on the PGA Tour.   

A tour composed almost entirely of entitled, overpaid wicked stepsisters playing exhibition golf will never produce any Cinderella stories.  Who looks back on any NBA season and goes, “Wow, that was some All-Star Game!”?   

I know, somebody’s going to come at me with the Chili Dippers defeat of the Sandbaggers in the team finals as an example of pressure-packed, LIV Golf high drama at its finest.  Sure, I’m old school and I don’t get it.   

“Greg Norman,” the texts continue, “get me a journeyman golfer who is about due for a breakthrough victory.  We need a couple of almost washed up tour veterans who yearn to taste victory one more time.  Buy me some fearless young guns ready to announce their arrival to the world.  Whatever it takes, Greg Norman.  There is plenty of money in the bottomless PIF.”

Davos attendees consult sex workers on climate change

Global elites representing government, tech and the entertainment industry descended on Davos this week to tackle our planet’s most urgent crises.

In addition to the lobster, caviar, champagne and cocaine flown into the tiny Swiss village to satiate the VIP appetites, an army of sex workers is on hand to provide valuable insights on a multitude of problems ranging from misinformation to climate change.  

“Sex workers have a front row seat to climate change,” said one WEF representative.  “Our members are acutely aware of the vital role sex workers play in combating the forces of climate change.  This is why sessions with a prostitute are so highly sought after and can cost upwards of $4500 an hour.” 

Indeed, according to the event’s schedulers, the hooker breakout sessions are the most heavily attended and were fully booked months in advance.

“The reality of climate change never truly hits home until you hear the stories of some of these hookers.  Global warming could potentially displace thousands of sex workers by the year 2050.  I shudder to imagine a world where ladies of the evening are no longer able to ply their trade due to climate change,” said one tech insider.

The theme of World Economic Forum 2024 is ‘Rebuilding Trust’.  Among the public, trust in institutions and the elites who lead them has fallen off significantly in recent years.  That’s why global leaders are working tirelessly and reaching out to the least among us to understand and address their concerns.   

As one Grammy-winning artist succinctly put it, “We can’t let these hoes down.”

State university grad admits most of his college party stories were ‘borrowed without attribution’

A former Indiana University student is coming clean today after it was recently revealed that most of his college party stories were either wholly or partially lifted from other people’s work, and that he failed to properly credit the source of those stories. 

“It is with a heavy heart that I admit to you today that I have at times engaged in duplicative language when relating past tales of college drunkenness.  I hope that today’s admission can be a critical first step in winning back the trust of friends and loved ones,” said 48-year-old Kyle Simmons.  

The admission stems from an incident that occurred at Nick’s English Hut in Bloomington, Indiana, following a recent IU basketball game.  Simmons sat at a table of fellow alumni, throwing back pounds of Bud and swapping beer-soaked stories, when a middle-aged gentleman at a table nearby overheard a tale that sounded awfully familiar.  After the man confronted Simmons, Simmons agreed to publicly correct the record.

“The stories I’ve been telling all these years are actually the work of Kevin “Corn Dog” Edwards.  For the record, I never inadvertently vomited on the back of my roommate’s head.  That was Corn Dog.  Nor did I ever perform an acrobatic ten minute keg stand.  Again, credit where credit is due, that was the great Corn Dog.  Finally, I never belly flopped from a stairwell into an inflatable pool of Milwaukee’s Best.  That remarkable feat was performed by the flying Corn Dog.  

“I’d like to thank Corn Dog for the opportunity to set the record straight.  Some say I stole Corn Dog’s work.  Let me be clear, I object to that characterization.  I never stole, I merely borrowed Corn Dog’s stories without notifying him or providing proper attribution.  I sincerely regret my use of replicated phraseology and hope that my alumni group will see fit to keep me on as a member,” Simmons concluded.