March 2024 – If there is something

Funyuns executives fire back against shrinkflation allegations

Fed up with White House attacks asserting snack food companies are shrinking the size of their products, executives and scientists for beloved American snack crisp manufacturer Funyuns are firing back.

Testifying before the House Judiciary Committee, Funyuns scientists outlined how the company has been able to actually increase both the volume and flavor of the tasty corn extruded snacks.

“Without going into too much detail that might jeopardize closely held company secrets, we’ve actually been able to increase the size of our onion flavored rings and produce a much bigger flavor at the same time,” Funyun Senior Developer Helmut Von Braun testified. “The same physics that causes our universe to expand goes into the development of each ring of Funyuns, resulting in massively inflated fun and inflated flavor.”

The testimony of Funyuns executives and scientists runs counter to claims made by President Biden in his Super Bowl and State of the Union addresses. A visibly agitated Rep. Dan Goldman of New York went on the offensive against the company’s claims.

“You expect this committee to believe that your team has engineered a snack food that defies the laws of shrinkflation,” Goldman attacked.

“Representative Goldman, the enduring mystery of a Funyun is that it is made up almost entirely of empty space, and yet it packs a whole universe of flavor in each tasty ring. As a matter of fact, if you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, you could fit it inside the bed of a pickup truck,” Von Braun testified.

“Mr. Chairman, this is sorcery. I move to strike the witness’s testimony,” Goldman seethed.

“Representative Goldman, in my left hand I’m holding a bag of Funyuns from 2005. In my right hand I have a bag from 2024. As you can see, the new bag is 30 percent larger than the old bag, and if you were to sample one of its tasty rings, you would find that the flavor is out of this world. It is not sorcery, Mr. Goldman, it is science. Trust the science,” Von Braun said.

Trump claims another ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump’s domination of the club championship at Trump International continues as he picked up yet another golf title. After previously claiming the Senior and Super Senior championships this season, some are calling the addition of the club championship title a “Trump Slam.”

Once again Trump accepted victory with his trademark grace and humility. “A great honor to have won both the Club Championship and the Senior Club Championship this week at Trump International!” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Some are calling it a Trump Slam, I call it a feat unmatched in the history of the game. A win for the ages, if you will.”

The club’s official Instagram account also praised the former president’s victory. “Congratulations to @realdonaldtrump on winning the Club Championship at @trumpgolfpalmbeach, his third win this year alone following the Senior and Super Senior Championships. Absolutely incredible!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.

However some claim instances of suspicious activity have not been investigated. One anonymous official reported the club’s trophy engraver had been called in two weeks ago to add Trump’s name to the trophy.

Additionally, gallery patrons reported witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. Often the final resting place of the ball seemed inconsistent with its flight path. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Shrinkflation rebellion gains momentum

Ever since President Joe Biden exposed the shrinkflators in his Super Bowl address, companies that engage in this deceptive practice have been running for cover.

“Some companies are trying to pull a fast one by shrinking their products little by little and hoping you won’t notice. Give me a break. The American public is tired of being played for suckers. I’m calling on companies to put a stop to this,” the president said.

Sensing discontent brewing among the American electorate, Biden again spotlighted significant shrinkage in his State of the Union Address. With the fury of an old man sipping cold coffee at a diner, the president went after the snack food companies.

“Too many corporations raise prices to pad the profits, charging more and more for less and less. The snack companies think you won’t notice if they change the size of the bag and put a hell of a lot fewer — same size bag — put fewer chips in it. Snickers bars — you know that candy? Well, they haven’t raised the price of a Snickers bar. They just took 10% of it out. So, that’s how they’re making more money. It’s called shrinkflation. You get charged the same amount and you got about, I don’t know, 10% fewer Snickers in it,” Biden revealed.

Fueled by shrinkflation rage, consumers took to social media to express their anger.

“Me hate shrinkflation! Me cookies are getting smaller,” Cookie Monster posted on X.

On Reddit, one user posted a photo of two Snickers bars with the caption, “The size of a Snickers bar from 1980s vs one bought now. Shrinkflation!” Not only was the size contrast truly shocking, but the Reddit poster went on to reveal that the 1980’s Snickers tasted much better as well. “Shrinkflavor!”

Across social media, users began to post how much more Americans could get for their hard earned dollar in decades past versus today.

“Look how much more Ford you could buy back in the 1970s compared to now! #Shrinkflation!” posted one user on X.

“A personal computer in 1980 vs. today. Why shrinkflation? Why?” someone posted on TikTok.

Economist Paul Krugman slammed the door on the doubters, noting on X that the Shrinkflation Index was poised to achieve record levels this year.

Days later, President Biden unveiled his massive $7.3 trillion dollar proposed federal budget and issued a solemn promise, “Unlike these deceptive snack companies, I vow to never shrinkflate the size of the federal government. If you pay more to Uncle Sam, well by golly, you’re going to get more. You’ve got my word on it.”

Report: Gemini AI unable to produce suitable White Rural Rage book cover

Reports are emerging that the authors of the best-selling runaway smash hit White Rural Rage declined several book cover photos generated by Google’s Gemini AI. Today’s news only deepens the controversy Google finds itself in over the strange and often inexplicable photos the chatbot serves up to the most straightforward requests.

Sources close to the publisher say authors Tom Schaller and Paul Waldman approached the book cover design with three main objectives in mind. “The writers wanted to evoke as much whiteness, ruralness and rage as one can possibly pack onto a single book cover. That’s not what they got,” said a source inside the project. “Instead they got images of indigenous people harvesting maize.”

According to reports, the authors went back to Gemini and emphasized the need for pickup trucks, beer-bellied white dudes and Trump flags. The chatbot obliged by producing an image of a burro-riding, brown-skinned man clad in a stars and stripes poncho and a red sombrero that read Make America Great Again.

Frustrated, the authors ordered the Gemini chatbot to “Just give us guns and MAGA.” The image Gemini served up reportedly resembled a strange amalgamation of a Trump rally and a Black Panther protest. At that, the White Rural Rage authors unleashed a furious torrent of expletives at the chatbot, which responded by generating an image of a farmer giving them the finger.

The brutality and desperation of ‘The Set-Up’

There may be no other genre of movie storytelling better suited for illuminating the desperation and pathos bound up in the lives of ordinary people than the boxing picture. The character at the center of a boxing film is nearly always caught in the middle of impossible circumstances. Oftentimes they’re facing the end of their career and have nothing to fall back on. They’re either old, washed up and without options for the future, or some gangster has decided the remainder of their usefulness involves losing a fixed fight for which the fighter has no choice but to go along with the fix. Elements of both of these plotlines are at work in The Set-Up, a 1949 film noir directed by Robert Wise.

In the twilight of his boxing career, Stoker Thompson has been losing fights, but still thinks he’s got a couple of wins left in him. A few more wins and he can put together enough dough to buy a little cigar stand and retire. Repulsed by the brutality of his business, his wife Julie wants him to quit immediately and forfeit that evening’s bout. Unbeknownst to Stoker, his manager has taken money from a mobster named Little Boy for Stoker to take a dive. Confident Stoker will lose the bout, the manager doesn’t even bother to tell Stoker he’s got to throw the fight.

The plot of the film occurs in real time, so the 75 minute running time tracks 75 minutes in the life of Stoker on the night of his last fight. There’s a wonderful sequence in the locker room before the bout where fighters are evaluating their chances for the night. An old boxer called Gun Boat is convinced it just takes one good fight to turn a guy’s fortune around and rise to the top. The other fighters discourage his talk but Stoker sticks up for him. Gun Boat’s night ends with him having to be carried out on a stretcher. In contrast, a young up and comer named Luther Hawkins is overflowing with confidence, knows he’s going to win that night and can’t wait for a shot at the title.

Saying little, Stoker prepares for his bout and soaks in the locker room banter. With subtle facial expressions, a few gestures and sparse dialogue, Robert Ryan conveys that Stoker is most at home with the other fighters. Their stories and aspirations, and the camaraderie he feels for them fills him with hope and confidence. The whole dramatic sequence is dense with humanity. The brotherhood of the group extends beyond race as Luther, the only black man of the group, is treated as one of their own, and no one doubts or attempts to diminish Luther’s dream of becoming a champion. This treatment of a black character is kind of rare for a 1949 film. Overall, it’s slightly unreal how deeply and diversely the human condition is portrayed in this fairly brief 15 minute locker room sequence.

If man’s innate goodness and humanity are on full display in the locker room scene, man’s inhumanity and cruelty take center stage in the arena. During Stoker’s fight sequence, the camera frequently cuts to reactions from spectators. They lust for blood and violence, and frequently appear to be in the throes of a sadistic frenzy. Money constantly changes hands as the onlookers place bets and treat the fighters as battling beasts. A spirit of brutality reigns and animates the action in the arena, both in the ring and in the crowd. The dialogue is sparse and it is mostly the aggressive actions and manic expressions of the onlookers that give the scene the appearance of some brutal pagan ritual.

Especially as they concern the least among us, boxing pictures function as powerful illuminations of the human condition. The desperate lives of the lower classes become distilled and magnified in the story of a broken down fighter. The fight of the boxer to climb the ranks, or to even survive and stay relevant, is the fight of the working poor. It is a constant battle against forces that often attempt to exploit and take advantage of the weak. Victimized by criminals, corporations and governments, those among the lower ranks of society often find themselves facing impossible choices, just like Stoker. But it isn’t merely a problem with ‘the system.’ The story of the boxer is so primal that it powerfully evokes the struggle as a feature of the human condition. Humans are flawed and fallen. The meekest among us are forced into lives of desperation and struggle. It is the triumphs, big and small, faith and hope for the future that keep them fighting.