September 2018 – If there is something

Senator Ted Cruz on what to do if you’re in your home and find yourself murdered by police

In a television interview Sunday, Senator Ted Cruz offered the public some wise advice on how to react when you find yourself murdered in your home by police. Speaking about the recent fatal shooting of a black man in Dallas, the Senator astutely pointed out, “obviously the individual was at home in his apartment and found himself murdered”.

The murderer turned out to be the victim’s cop neighbor who had wandered into the wrong apartment. However, Senator Cruz cautioned against focusing too narrowly on the murderer when it comes to placing blame and even offered some tips for how to avoid finding oneself murdered.

“First off, one should avoid blaming the cop that just murdered you. I don’t think it helps anything to jump to any conclusions,” the Senator stressed. “Everybody wants to blame the murderer. We all need to just stop, take a moment, examine the situation and see if there is any way we can pin this on the victim.”

“Secondly,” Cruz continued, “if you believe there is a likelihood that you might find yourself murdered in your apartment, you may want to go ahead and leave for a little while. Try going bowling, or do what I do, go to the bingo hall. But remember, knock on your door when you return. It is very important that you do not startle the cop who may not realize it is in the wrong apartment. Of course, there is no guarantee the cop won’t shoot you for knocking on the door. So beware, it is just as frightened as you, only it has a gun and permission to use it regardless of the situation.”

“This leads in to my final point, what to do if you discover a lost cop inside your home and it won’t leave. Avoid trying to shoo it away. Do not make any large sudden movements and avoid eye contact. This is a sure way to find yourself murdered in your home. It’s often best just to leave the door open and wait for the lost cop to wander off. Usually, in the morning around feeding time, they will strike out in search of coffee and pastry.”

Oh dear, they’ve gone and hurt Trump’s feelings again

Seems that some pretty important folks over at Google were privately talking behind Donald Trump’s back and saying very hurtful things about his election. A video leaked by Breitbart shows Google’s co-founder Sergey Brin addressing co-workers, “Let’s face it, most people here are pretty upset and pretty sad because of the election…as a immigrant and refugee I certainly find this election deeply offensive and I know many of you do too.” Reports have it Trump was so traumatized when the news reached him that he had to seek refuge in his safe space.

Trump’s 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale, responded by tweeting, “Google needs to explain why this isn’t a threat to the republic.” Apparently, the alleged ghostwriter of many a Trump tweet was very outraged by these micro-targeted micro-aggressions. The air on Mount Hypocrisy is pretty thin, but not so thin he can’t hold Google accountable as he defends a man who has dubbed the press in this country the enemy of the people.

Of course all of this follows last week’s investigative tweet by Trump that Google rigs its search results. “Google search results for ‘Trump News’ shows only the viewing/reporting of Fake News Media. In other words, they have it RIGGED, for me & others, so that almost all stories & news is BAD,” Trump said. “Republican/Conservative & Fair Media is shut out. Illegal.” Too bad Twitter limits the number of characters, otherwise I’m sure President Mr. Trump would have cited the federal criminal code to back up his “illegal” assertion. To be fair though, Trump reportedly spent many months painstakingly researching this tweet, making sure he had all his facts straight before publishing.

Trump went on to threaten Alphabet Inc, Facebook and Twitter saying they “better be careful” they “are treading on very, very troubled territory”. Trump’s right of course. Researching this post, I could scarcely find any mention of this Google bad news on Google.

Finally, over on state run media, Trump’s Minister of Information, Sean Hannity, was experiencing yet another Foxturnal emission as he pored over a new batch of Strzok/Page anti-Trump texts. Trigger warning for Sean Hannity: as of Friday Paul Manafort has agreed to cooperate with Mueller. Hannity looked pretty sad and disillusioned Friday night. His red, puffy eyes betrayed a day long sob fest.

In the true spirit of democratic capitalism, Trump and conservative lawmakers are again threatening to interfere and hold a private sector company to account for perceived political differences. Funny how they don’t see it that way when it’s the Koch brothers throwing millions at conservative causes, or the Mercer’s attempting to subvert the democratic process. Wasn’t it a famous conservative who once said “government is the problem?” Not for this bunch, I guess.

Why am I quoting Reagan? Why am I defending Google? You can’t even navigate your way to this blog through Google. If anyone’s ended up here from a Google search result, please let me know. Anyway it seems the magnetic field has shifted or we’ve slipped through a wormhole. Republican lawmakers lecture FBI and Justice Department officials about conducting impartial investigations while they concoct an alternate reality based on partisan conspiratorial fabrications. Their deep state narrative is like a forum submission to a political porno mag. We won’t even mention QAnon. Perhaps the deep state is our only hope.

Amazon to offer employees adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at cost. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

Rep. Devin Nunes rebuffed by UK deep state

Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, traveled across the pond recently to speak with top officials of Britain’s intelligence services. Perhaps Nunes should have called ahead because upon arrival he discovered no one willing to meet with him.

Reporters describe a dejected Nunes standing outside the headquarters of MI6, ringing the bell and receiving no response. “Come on, guys, US government business, open up,” Nunes whined. “Look, I know you’re in there. I can see you through the blinds.”

Embarrassed and irritated at the rebuff, Nunes flipped off the surveillance camera and stomped away, panties clearly in a bunch.

According to sources, Nunes had a little better luck at MI5 as he was able to access the lobby only to be told by reception that there was no one available to meet with him.

“I don’t think you understand. I’m investigating a far reaching deep state conspiracy to take down the President of the United States and I demand to see Christopher Steele,” Nunes cried, beginning to grow hysterical.

“Mr. Steele doesn’t work here and I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the receptionist replied.

“I can see them all back there,” said Nunes pointing to a glass conference room. “The whole deep state cabal plotting and scheming to take down my President. Hey, stop that! I command you in the name of his majesty President Donald Trump, Earl of Orange, Duke of Mar a Lago.”

Representative Nunes then delivered a statement outside MI5 headquarters. “Clearly Mr. Steele and his group of cohorts have been back channeling us, penetrating us from behind, and trying to perform some kind of work around. Well, I won’t be pushed away. These English gentleman can’t just wave their tea bags in my face, offer me a crumpet, and send me on my merry way.”

According to press reports, that’s pretty much what they did.

Later Nunes was hosted at the home of Roman Abramovich, the Russian oligarch and owner of Chelsea FC. He and aides later attended a Chelsea match, but Nunes complained bitterly the entire time that he thought he was going to a football game.