President Trump – If there is something

Trump claims another ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump’s domination of the club championship at Trump International continues as he picked up yet another golf title. After previously claiming the Senior and Super Senior championships this season, some are calling the addition of the club championship title a “Trump Slam.”

Once again Trump accepted victory with his trademark grace and humility. “A great honor to have won both the Club Championship and the Senior Club Championship this week at Trump International!” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Some are calling it a Trump Slam, I call it a feat unmatched in the history of the game. A win for the ages, if you will.”

The club’s official Instagram account also praised the former president’s victory. “Congratulations to @realdonaldtrump on winning the Club Championship at @trumpgolfpalmbeach, his third win this year alone following the Senior and Super Senior Championships. Absolutely incredible!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.

However some claim instances of suspicious activity have not been investigated. One anonymous official reported the club’s trophy engraver had been called in two weeks ago to add Trump’s name to the trophy.

Additionally, gallery patrons reported witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. Often the final resting place of the ball seemed inconsistent with its flight path. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Trump to face additional charges of sushi terrorism

In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism. The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.

“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced. “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute. Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor. Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant. Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.

“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued. “I eat at that sushi restaurant. My family eats at that sushi restaurant. We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi. Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election. Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”

Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year. However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.

Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I love sushi. Also, I’m a clean freak. Who would do such a disgusting thing? I don’t go around licking things. Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Qanon Anonymous support groups experience record enrollment

A week after The Storm failed to materialize, some supporters of the Qanon conspiracy theory are beginning to have doubts about the Q movement, questioning whether the “pedocracy” will ever be brought down, or if the Clintons will ever face arrest for their misdeeds. Additionally, many followers have begun to doubt the existence of their leader Q, and have become disillusioned after the president has seemingly forsaken them. To begin the process of healing, a growing number of Anons have turned to Qanon recovery groups like Qanon-Anon.

“They left us standing out there on the battlefield with our dicks swinging in the wind,” said one Anon who wished to remain anonymous. “This was like our Bay of Pigs. We thought once the insurrection began, The Storm would follow. We were duped.”

This is a common sentiment among former Anons who now find themselves feeling lost with a gaping Q-shaped hole in their lives to fill. However, some come to the meetings not entirely ready to let go of their beliefs.

“In some instances, the deprogramming process can take months,” said Chris Carter, a former Anon who now leads a support group in Dallas. “Most don’t stick with the program at first. They’ll come to a few meetings, but then there’ll be another drop, or Trump will leave the Oval Office light on at an odd hour and suddenly they’re back on the Q again.”

A lot of recovering Qanon supporters still believe in the movement’s main contentions, but have simply lost faith in leadership and grown weary of the revolution.

“I still think the cause was just. But, like everything else, the leadership was a joke. ” said one recovering Anon. “Guess I should’ve listened to my wife when she told me to quit playing revolution on that idiot box and go mow the lawn.”

White House clarifies: Trump to impose marital, not martial law

White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office. Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.

“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath. POTUS is not declaring martial law. With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets. He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage. That’s it, folks, marital law. See, you just had a couple of letters turned around. No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.

Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.

Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful. The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this. Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief. It was really kind of sickening. Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore. Nothing to see here, folks. Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration. I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson. C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”

Despite expert warnings, Trump continues to promote viral vacuuming

For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method. The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works.

“All I’m saying is give it a try. What do we have to lose? We’ve got some very good people working on this. Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.

Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.

“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department. “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls. People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“

“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”

At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice. “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life. Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.

Trump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy

Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President.

“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field. His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary. Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.

The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.

“The fake news can kiss my ass. I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland. While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases. You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.

Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years.

“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits. Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’ President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.

In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.

“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas. Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread. We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced.

Democrats brainstorm additional ways they can help Trump win in 2020

Riding the success of the Speaker Pelosi speech shredding video, Democrats are working closely with the Trump campaign to generate additional campaign content to help propel Trump to victory in 2020.

“We welcome all the help we can get from Speaker Pelosi and the Democrats,” said Brad Parscale, Trump 2020 campaign manager. “With impeachment and the Iowa Caucus debacle boosting Trump’s approval rating to the highest level of his presidency, we’re considering just sitting back and letting the Dems drive this bus.”

“The Democrats have a proven track record of blowing races they should win and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory,” said Drew Hammill, Speaker Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff. “When the Trump team came to us expressing concern over the president’s declining poll numbers, we had just one question for them: How can we help?”

The result was a video showing Speaker Pelosi tearing up President Trump’s State of the Union address as he delivers good economic news and honors an American World War II hero. “I wish I could take credit for that,” said Parscale. “That was a stroke of genius. Someone told me she even had the pages partially pre-torn to ensure maximum dramatic effect.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the Dems strategizing for Trump. Appearing on MSNBC’s Panic Room, longtime Democratic strategist from way, way back James Carville flipped out over the Iowa debacle and the prospect of nominating an avowed socialist as the Democratic nominee.

“Eighteen percent of the population controls 52 Senate seats,” Carville said. “We’ve got to be a majoritarian party. The urban core is not gonna get it done. What we need is power! Do you understand? That’s what this is about.”

A few days later, in an interview with Vox, Carville put a fine point on his criticism of Democrats, “We’re losing our damn minds.”

The Big Lewandowski

Citing absolute immunity, President Trump held back former aides Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn from testifying in front of the House Judiciary Committee on Tuesday. As legal scholars have noted, no person or spiritual entity in heaven or on earth can compel congressional testimony from a witness granted absolute immunity by the President.

The White House did, however, permit former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to mix it up with Jerry Nadler and friends. A combative Lewandowski came out swinging, telling the committee that he would refuse to answer questions about his conversations with President Trump.

Committee members soon became frustrated over the witness’s unwillingness to cooperate.

“Lewandowski, you are like a fish being cleaned with a spoon – very hard to get a clean answer from you,” charged Rep. Hank Johnson.

Anyone who has ever tried to clean a fish knows it’s impossible to get a straight answer out of one. Sensing he’d been pinned to the cutting board, Lewandowski launched into another evasive tactic.

“Let me explain something to you, I am not Lewandowski, I’m The Lewd. So that’s what you call me, you know, that or His Lewdness or El Lewderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

At one point during the hearing, to avoid direct answers to member’s questions, Lewandowski began reading directly from the Mueller report.

“You are not going to stonewall me and my questions,” said Rep. David Cicilline, growing visibly irritated. “Now, Lewandowski, if you don’t mind…”

“I do mind. The Lewd minds,” Lewandowski snapped back. “This will not stand, you know. This aggression will not stand, man.”

Later on Twitter, President Trump called Lewandowski’s performance “beautiful.” Also, he tweeted video highlights of the testimony under the caption, “The bums won.”

White House Office of Sharpie Revisions releases updated economic numbers

The White House Monday released updated economic data from its Office of Sharpie Revisions. The revised numbers show August job growth increasing from 130,000 new jobs to 300,000. It appeared a Sharpie had been used to remove a one and add a zero to the previously reported figure. Additionally, sluggish wage growth was revised upward from 3.2 to 32 percent, and a bar graph charting consumer confidence appeared altered to reveal the highest consumer confidence in decades.

Confronted by reporters, President Trump’s chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow explained the need for the revisions. “The White House is trying to provide Americans with accurate data in real time. So many of these charts and reports take days to put together and even more time to print. Wielding the Sharpie allows us to deliver the most accurate up-to-date data to the American people.”

Other crudely altered figures trotted out for public inspection by the OSR show President Trump’s approval rating rising from 39 to 89 percent. “We discovered a printing error caused gaps to appear in the eight of the president’s approval rating, making it look like a three,” explained Brad Parscale, President Trump’s campaign manager. “Thankfully, the Office of Sharpie Revisions was able to quickly fill in those gaps and get the true numbers out to the fake news media.”

With election season approaching, White House officials feel it’s more important than ever to get accurate information to the American people. “We’re using every tool at our disposal,” OSR director Sarah Spicer explained. “In addition to the Sharpie, we’ve begun using white out. Sometimes we’ll resort to the shredder, or in extreme cases, lease a wood chipper. You never know when you’ll need to ‘disappear’ some data or some awkward communications.”