Trump claims another ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump’s domination of the club championship at Trump International continues as he picked up yet another golf title.  After previously claiming the Senior and Super Senior championships this season, some are calling the addition of the club championship title a “Trump Slam.”

Once again Trump accepted victory with his trademark grace and humility.  “A great honor to have won both the Club Championship and the Senior Club Championship this week at Trump International!” the former president wrote on Truth Social.  “Some are calling it a Trump Slam, I call it a feat unmatched in the history of the game.  A win for the ages, if you will.”

The club’s official Instagram account also praised the former president’s victory.  “Congratulations to @realdonaldtrump on winning the Club Championship at @trumpgolfpalmbeach, his third win this year alone following the Senior and Super Senior Championships. Absolutely incredible!” 

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.  

However some claim instances of suspicious activity have not been investigated.  One anonymous official reported the club’s trophy engraver had been called in two weeks ago to add Trump’s name to the trophy.

Additionally, gallery patrons reported witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest.  Often the final resting place of the ball seemed inconsistent with its flight path.  “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Taylors cursed with an inflated sense of Taylorness

Following the ascension of a certain Taylor to the status of Galactic Superstardom, a whole slew of other Taylors are beginning to act as if their Taylorness confers superstar status on them.  This disturbing new trend has some rather ordinary Taylors behaving as if they’re entitled to all the flattery and fawning of that Taylor whose popularity eclipses the Super Bowl.

Take, for instance, the case of LIV golfer Talor Gooch.  After being snubbed by the Masters golf tournament and despite lacking a ‘y’ in his Talor, this counterfeit Taylor had the unmitigated gall to take a shot at four time major champion golfer Rory McIlroy.

“If Rory McIlroy goes and completes his grand slam without some of the best players in the world, there’s just going to be an asterisk.  It’s just the reality. I think everybody wins whenever the majors figure out a way to get the best players in the world there,” Gooch said.     

Did everyone catch that?  If Rory McIlroy wins the Masters and completes the career grand slam, there will be an asterisk because three time LIV Golf winner Talor Gooch wasn’t in the field.  Nevermind that all the top talent and major winners currently playing on the LIV tour will be there, the absence of Talor Gooch will necessitate an asterisk be affixed to Rory McIlroy’s legacy should he win the Masters tournament.

There is one Taylor whose name is spoken in just about every household in every corner of the universe, and still she isn’t capable of summoning the ego required to make a statement as dim-witted and tone-deaf as Talor Gooch’s comments.  But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to his Taylorness over powering his good sense.  

Another Taylor who can always be counted on to demand the citizens of the world think of her before acting on their own interests is Taylor Lorenz.  A “journalist” for the Washington Post, this Taylor has, in the past, scolded the rest of humanity for not maintaining the strictest Covid restrictions because she’s immunocompromised.  Also, she saw fit to lecture everyone on the importance of journalism in the wake of some recent mass layoffs in the media.  An actual journalist might have had a point, but she’s emblematic of the need to purge the profession of reporters doing advocacy and not reporting.  Despite her mediocrity, her Taylorness won’t allow her a moment of self-awareness.

While the massively popular Taylor seems to be doing a pretty decent job keeping her ego in check, the same cannot be said of some of these other Taylors.  They appear to feed off the worship and adulation aimed at her and redirect it at themselves.  The Taylors are not alright.  Someone in their circle needs to have a difficult conversation with them.  Otherwise it’s going to get pretty ugly when their Taylorness crumbles and comes crashing down all around them.

Pressure on LIV Golf to acquire some underdogs

Within minutes of amateur Nick Dunlap’s historic PGA Tour victory, Greg Norman’s texts were lighting up with demands from his Saudi overlords to bring the same level of excitement and drama to LIV Golf.

“Are you seeing this, Shark?  Why don’t we have any Cinderella stories?  LIV needs drama, Greg Norman!  Spare no expense.  Buy us some amateurs!  Get us some underdogs, Shark!” the texts read.

The Alabama sophomore’s improbable victory over some of the PGA Tour’s finest highlighted what’s special about the PGA Tour and exposed one of LIV Golf’s most glaring weaknesses.  LIV Golf can’t produce the high-drama, engrossing narratives that are a recurring attraction on the PGA Tour.   

A tour composed almost entirely of entitled, overpaid wicked stepsisters playing exhibition golf will never produce any Cinderella stories.  Who looks back on any NBA season and goes, “Wow, that was some All-Star Game!”?   

I know, somebody’s going to come at me with the Chili Dippers defeat of the Sandbaggers in the team finals as an example of pressure-packed, LIV Golf high drama at its finest.  Sure, I’m old school and I don’t get it.   

“Greg Norman,” the texts continue, “get me a journeyman golfer who is about due for a breakthrough victory.  We need a couple of almost washed up tour veterans who yearn to taste victory one more time.  Buy me some fearless young guns ready to announce their arrival to the world.  Whatever it takes, Greg Norman.  There is plenty of money in the bottomless PIF.”

Ryder Cup and the spirit of Seve

After making things interesting for a few hours during Sunday’s singles matches, the United States Ryder Cup team once again experienced defeat at the hands of their European counterparts.  Unlike previous years, you can’t say that “on paper” the Americans had a clear advantage over the Euros.  Rocking a top three power trio of Jon Rahm, Rory McIlroy and Viktor Hovland, the Euros posed a massively formidable challenge on their home soil.  Commentators pointed to match ups and course set up as tipping the playing field slightly in the European direction, but Golf Channel commentator and former Ryder Cup captain, Paul McGinley, kept returning to one strategy that he felt really made the difference.  Time and again McGinley pointed to engaging the heart as the most important strategy for eliciting the finest play out of the European squad.  And the primary method of engaging the heart was through invoking the spirit of Seve.  

On opening day, Seve’s presence was loudly proclaimed when fans unfurled a colossal Seve banner that covered an entire section of bleachers next to the first tee.  On Golf Channel, McGinley revealed to his fellow commentators that one of Seve’s old Ryder Cup jerseys hung in the Euro locker room to further inspire and engage the hearts of the players.  If these invocations of the spirit of Seve were not enough, McGinley revealed that on the reverse side of the European logo adorning the left breast of the player’s shirts was an image of the great golfing Spaniard.  The image of Seve literally covered the player’s hearts, as if his spirit was speaking directly to their hearts.  When McGinley spoke of the significance of engaging the hearts of the player’s, he was not just paying lip service.  For some, all of this may have seemed a bit melodramatic, over the top, or even a bit loony.

Yet no one could argue that the European team didn’t come out on fire.  Inspired by the spirit of Seve, they were performing signs and wonders.  They were chipping in and holing long putt after long putt.  At times, they were literally chuckling and shaking their heads in disbelief at how well they and their teammates were playing.  This is not to say that the disembodied presence of Seve Ballesteros hovered over the golfers manipulating them into great play like they were golfing marionettes.  However, whether you call it group mind or collective consciousness or “being on the same page,” the European team designed, assembled and harnessed a spirit of greatness and excellence, symbolized by Seve, that became manifest in their exceptional play.  At times, it all seemed shockingly pagan. 

When the match ended and the Euros were victorious, most of the players pointed to playing for their teammates, not wishing to let them down.  Playing for their country, for Europe, for past European champions, for the tradition of the Ryder Cup, all of it came to be symbolized in the spirit of Seve and they felt it in their souls.  They played not for individual glory but for completely selfless reasons, for a spirit that brought out their best and allowed them to achieve something that none of them could have attained acting individually. 

It is not unusual for people to talk about spirit when they talk about sport.  They talk about team spirit, or the spirit of the game.  Outside of sports, though, what are we all playing for?  In this era of deconstruction and dismantling, are the spirits that animate our lives ones of cooperation, tradition, striving for a higher purpose and bringing out the best in one another?

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club.  While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion.   “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.  This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump.  “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity.  It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.” 

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted.  One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition.  Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway.  Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.  

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest.  The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck.  “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

LIV Golf team matchup of the week: Skulls & Shanks vs. Royal Chili-dippers

LIV Golf is bringing its traveling circus and sideshow extravaganza to Bedminster, New Jersey this weekend.  Ringmaster Greg Norman has been spotted in downtown Bedminster this week handing out $100 bills to anyone who commits to showing up as a spectator for the event.  

However, first and foremost on nearly every golf fan’s mind is who will take home the team trophy.  All eyes will be focused on the much anticipated matchup between Dustin Johnson’s Skulls and Shanks taking on Bryson DeChambeau’s title hungry Royal Chili-dippers.

“Well you know for me it’s never been about the money,” said Johnson.  “It’s always been about leading my team into battle.  Bryson’s got his Chili-dippers on a roll, so they’re going to give us all we can handle, but I think my guys are up to the challenge.”    

This week’s sleeper could be Lee Westwood’s Major Meltdown GC, but they’re going to have their hands full with Sergio Garcia’s Ball Washers.  The Ball Washers have really been rounding into form since Sergio sat the team down last month and reminded them of what they’re playing for.

“Look, we’re not just out here playing for obscene amounts of money.  We’re trying to build a tradition here…a tradition of playing for once unthinkable sums of cash, and if that doesn’t mean anything to you guys then you ain’t a Ball Washer.  You’re just a bunch of dirty balls,” Garcia upbraided his team after a poor showing in Portland.

Joining Phil Mickelson’s Mulligans GC will be former president Donald Trump.  It is said that the ex-leader of the free world is rather fond of taking free drops, so he should be well supplied by the Mulligans.  Rumor has it that Mickelson has been warned off proposing any side bets with the former president who reportedly hasn’t conceded a lost wager in several decades.   

The first two hundred cars to show up for the event will get their gas tanks topped off for free.  So, if you’re coming out, you’ll want to coast in on fumes to take advantage of this very special offer.