Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club.  While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion.   “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported.  This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump.  “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity.  It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.” 

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted.  One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition.  Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway.  Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.  

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest.  The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck.  “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

LIV Golf team matchup of the week: Skulls & Shanks vs. Royal Chili-dippers

LIV Golf is bringing its traveling circus and sideshow extravaganza to Bedminster, New Jersey this weekend.  Ringmaster Greg Norman has been spotted in downtown Bedminster this week handing out $100 bills to anyone who commits to showing up as a spectator for the event.  

However, first and foremost on nearly every golf fan’s mind is who will take home the team trophy.  All eyes will be focused on the much anticipated matchup between Dustin Johnson’s Skulls and Shanks taking on Bryson DeChambeau’s title hungry Royal Chili-dippers.

“Well you know for me it’s never been about the money,” said Johnson.  “It’s always been about leading my team into battle.  Bryson’s got his Chili-dippers on a roll, so they’re going to give us all we can handle, but I think my guys are up to the challenge.”    

This week’s sleeper could be Lee Westwood’s Major Meltdown GC, but they’re going to have their hands full with Sergio Garcia’s Ball Washers.  The Ball Washers have really been rounding into form since Sergio sat the team down last month and reminded them of what they’re playing for.

“Look, we’re not just out here playing for obscene amounts of money.  We’re trying to build a tradition here…a tradition of playing for once unthinkable sums of cash, and if that doesn’t mean anything to you guys then you ain’t a Ball Washer.  You’re just a bunch of dirty balls,” Garcia upbraided his team after a poor showing in Portland.

Joining Phil Mickelson’s Mulligans GC will be former president Donald Trump.  It is said that the ex-leader of the free world is rather fond of taking free drops, so he should be well supplied by the Mulligans.  Rumor has it that Mickelson has been warned off proposing any side bets with the former president who reportedly hasn’t conceded a lost wager in several decades.   

The first two hundred cars to show up for the event will get their gas tanks topped off for free.  So, if you’re coming out, you’ll want to coast in on fumes to take advantage of this very special offer.