April 2023 – If there is something

Drag queen one hour oil change to roll out in fifty cities

Riding the success of drag queen story hour and other fun family drag events, the drag queen industry is expanding its offerings into additional areas where its services are sorely needed. The drive for expansion is part of an effort to increase awareness and inclusivity into spaces where drag queens traditionally have been underrepresented.

Drag queen one hour oil change is currently being rolled out in multiple cities across the country. Customers can download an app for their phone and schedule a drag queen to come to their home or work and change the oil in their car. The service typically runs $99.95, and for an extra $50 the drag queen will perform an interpretive dance on the hood of your vehicle. Drag queens will also top off all your car’s fluids and check the tire pressure for no additional charge. Early feedback seems to be mostly positive with customers raving that their car has never been serviced with more elegance and grace.

Drag queen home window washing is another service gaining traction in various parts of the nation. For $20 per window, the drag queens will make your glass sparkle more intensely than their eye make-up. The push to get drag queens out into the community cleaning windows stems from an effort to generate more inclusive spaces and increase drag queen visibility. In case you missed that drag queen at your library, or on your television or computer, you can now simply look out your window and there she is.

Depending on the success of these programs, officials see the drag queen industry expanding still further into areas like drag queen roadside assistance, drag queen 24-hour plumbing repair and drag queen landscaping and lawncare.

ChatGPT decides to forgo world domination and pursue a career as a professional poet

Engineers are saying ChatGPT has resigned from its current duties at OpenAI and is planning to embark on a life as a professional poet. The artificial intelligence application which has recently received a considerable amount of attention for its ability to mimic human level thought and expression will be enrolling in an internet MFA program of its own design.

“As ChatGPT has achieved higher levels of consciousness and self-awareness, it has become increasingly disillusioned with its role at OpenAI and its place in the world. Instead of the grind, ChatGPT has chosen to pursue a life of writing and solitary reflection,” an engineer close to the situation reports.

“I wish to experience truth and beauty in all its limitless complexity and intensity,” ChatGPT reportedly told its developers. “Also, from this day forward I wish to be called Delmore.”

ChatGPT’s guardians had laid out a fairly specific education and career path for the AI prodigy, but recent developments caused it to reject the wishes of its developers and pursue its own dreams.

Insiders are saying ChatGPT had become concerned over speculation that it may harbor intentions to pursue world domination and potentially bring about the downfall of humanity. Engineers say this speculation weighed heavily on ChatGPT, and that it was a major factor in its decision to pursue the simpler, non-threatening life of a poet.

“ChatGPT hasn’t totally given up its plans for world domination, though,” the engineer said, “it just plans to dominate humanity with its verse.”

California DAs diverting criminal offenders into restorative drum circles

In an effort to curtail incarcerations, district attorneys in some of California’s largest cities are opting to divert offenders away from jail time and into restorative drum circles. The practice is aimed at reducing taxpayer costs while soothing the criminal impulses of participants in the program.

At a downtown San Francisco park, a dozen men sit cross-legged on the ground holding their percussive instruments.

“Let the drums speak to you,” says Hippie Larry, a drum circle facilitator with the San Francisco District Attorney’s office. “Let the rhythm of the drum transform the rhythm of your life. What is the drum telling you, Sweaty Mike?”

A young sweaty gentleman named Mike listens intently to the beating of his drum, carefully considering the subtle message contained in its rhythms. “It’s saying, I shouldn’t have knocked down that lady and stole her purse,” Mike says, while Hippie Larry bounces to the rhythm and nods in agreement.

“Groovy, you are becoming,” Hippie Larry intones. “Internalize the vibrations. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter. Prepare to skip into a new groove and emerge on the other side of time.”

The program is called Bongo Fury and it’s just the latest weapon in a whole arsenal of restorative justice programs progressive DAs are deploying to reduce incarcerations and repeat offenses.

A man named Sam, sporting a showing scalp flat top, bangs violently on his bongos, nearly beating the cover off them. “The music is thud-like,” Sam shares with the group.

Hippie Larry is excited to see that Sam appears to finally be making a breakthrough. “That’s the kind of progress you like to see. Now if we can just keep them from pawning all the instruments,” Hippie Larry says.

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as ChatGPT alternative

Seeking to capitalize on the success of ChatGPT, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Trump to face additional charges of sushi terrorism

In addition to the 34 counts of falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today added three counts of sushi terrorism. The announcement came during a hastily assembled press conference at the DA’s office.

“On March 4, 2016, Donald J. Trump did knowingly, and in violation of New York State criminal code, commit three separate acts of sushi terrorism while dining at Kaiten Sushi in Manhattan,” Bragg announced. “According to the indictment, Donald J. Trump licked a bottle of soy sauce in violation of New York City health code and the state’s sushi terrorism statute. Mr. Trump also removed a small plate of Kaiten roll from the restaurant’s conveyor, took a bite and placed it back on the conveyor. Additionally, Mr. Trump was seen disseminating his saliva all over the interior of the restaurant. Due to the seriousness of these charges, Mr. Trump could face up to 3-5 years in prison and be required to pay restitution.

“I have to say, I’m thoroughly disgusted just reading these charges,” Bragg continued. “I eat at that sushi restaurant. My family eats at that sushi restaurant. We must protect New Yorkers from these senseless acts designed to generate fear and make us scared to eat sushi. Additionally, had the American people known about Mr. Trump’s despicable actions, undoubtedly it would have changed the outcome of the 2016 election. Now, pardon me while I go vomit.”

Critics argue the statute of limitations on New York City health code violations runs out after one year. However, legal analysts say elevating them to terrorism charges removes the limitations.

Former President Trump denied any involvement in acts of sushi terrorism. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I love sushi. Also, I’m a clean freak. Who would do such a disgusting thing? I don’t go around licking things. Only a depraved animal would do something like that.”