NASA to attempt to play Asteroids at scale

Tonight at 7:14 p.m. ET officials at NASA will insert an inflation adjusted three quarters into their specially designed gaming console and attempt to play the popular 80’s video game Asteroids at scale.

Guiding their DART spacecraft perilously through a field of randomly moving asteroids, NASA officials will specifically target the Dimorphos asteroid moonlet.  NASA officials expect a number of engineers to take turns guiding the spacecraft to its target. 

This is believed to be NASA’s first attempt to recreate video games at scale.  In 2006, NASA made plans to develop a live action video game after detecting columns of space invaders slowly advancing towards earth.  However, the strange space creatures mysteriously disbanded before NASA had a chance to zap them.

If the mission is successful, NASA plans to deploy the technology to repel space objects that have the potential to collide with earth.

The private sector also appears to be getting in on the action.  According to reports, Elon Musk’s Boring Company is currently in the process of developing a large, yellow, disembodied mouth capable of munching and swallowing nearly everything in its path.  However, the mouth seems particularly vulnerable to ghostly apparitions.  Boring Company engineers are currently working on developing a power pellet capable of rendering the ghosts vulnerable to the large, disembodied snapper.

Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. 

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”  

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots.  However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Musk acquires Bullshit Mountain for $44 billion

Residents of Bullshit Mountain are fleeing in droves on news that tech multi-billionaire Elon Musk is purchasing the towering pile of crap that has fed and nurtured them for over a decade.  Musk is reportedly paying $44 billion for the social media platform which anyone with an ounce of sense knows is about $43.95 billion too much.

The most prominent natives of Bullshit Mountain, who contribute nearly 90% of the excrement that flows from its rivers and streams out into the rest of society, are concerned about what might happen to their precious dung heap now that the Tesla CEO and free speech promoter is about to seize control. 

Many prominent journalists, politicians, media and entertainment personalities have pledged to flee the platform in protest.  Apparently, this nurturing land of inclusion and unquestioning acceptance that they have so lovingly crafted over the years is now in jeopardy of turning into a psychically abusive hell-hole.  

Moreover, the political and intellectual elites who routinely mine truth from Bullshit Mountain are worried that the open inquiry and constructive debate they have so carefully cultivated will become irreparably harmed by Musk’s commitment to “free speech”.

As the old saying goes, “All politics and culture is downstream from Bullshit Mountain.”  Judging by the frantic behavior of its inhabitants, our golden age of truth and discourse may be coming to an end.

Elon Musk dines at Nuclear Greens Cafe

After stirring a minor Twitter controversy over the weekend by promoting nuclear power, the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, put his money where his mouth is by breakfasting at the Nuclear Greens Cafe Monday morning.

In a series of tweets on Sunday, Musk promoted restarting dormant nuclear power plants and increasing energy production at existing ones.  The multi-billionaire downplayed the risks of radiation by pledging to eat locally grown food at locations chosen by nuclear power detractors.

“For those who (mistakenly) think this is a radiation risk, pick what you think is the worst location. I will travel there & eat locally grown food on TV,” Musk tweeted.

In typical Musk fashion, rather than wait for suggestions, he erected a nuclear power themed cafe that serves only fresh meat and produce sourced from within a 50 mile radius of a nuclear power plant.  From conception to completion, the project took less than twelve hours and was open for business on Monday morning.  Plans are to franchise other Nuclear Greens locations around the country.

The tech billionaire reportedly ordered the Atomic Sunrise Platter which consists of two reactor fresh eggs, crispy radiated bacon, buttery toast and two Nuclear Winter Waffles topped with fresh Fukushima strawberries.  Breakfast is served with a bottomless cup of Nuclear Greens’ signature Meltdown Java to jumpstart the day.

As he was leaving the cafe, a glowing Musk gave the staff a thumbs up, strapped on his nuclear powered jet pack and took off into the wind.

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees.  As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering.  It’s flying all by itself.  It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans.  If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space. 

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers. 

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.  

“Fuck you Branson!  Fuck you Elon Musk!  One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared. 

Gertrude the Pig hacks back

Perhaps we underestimate pig cognition.  Mere days after Elon Musk’s much ballyhooed Neuralink demonstration, Gertrude the Pig may be having her revenge on human society.

Gertrude the Pig was introduced to the world a few weeks ago as one of the first subjects to have a Neuralink computer chip wired into its brain.  Witnesses to the demonstration were able to see Gertrude’s neural activity as she snuffed around and touched things with her snout.

Since the demonstration, however, it appears that computer to pig brain hacking may not be a one-way street.    

While not yet noticeable to the casual user, data from Google Analytics shows pig content across the internet has increased as much as eleven percent.  

“In a normal year, we might expect to see a half to a two percent rise in pig content,” said Igor Testicov, Senior Applications Developer at Google.  “An eleven percent jump is certainly something to take notice of.”

Researchers want to know what could be fueling this dramatic rise in swine related content.  Is it possible Gertrude the Pig is hacking back?    

The Justice Department thinks so.  Said one FBI official, “We’re seeing pig bot accounts pop up all over Facebook promoting anything from veganism to turkey bacon.  We were able to trace many of these fake accounts back to Russian troll farms.  The question is who is hiring the Russians to produce this content?”

If Gertrude knows, she isn’t talking.  Her handlers say they’ve noticed no change in Gertrude’s daily activities.  

Still, though, experts are at a loss to explain the strange disruptions to financial markets.  “Something is influencing the commodities markets,” said one trader.  “Hog futures are trading at an all-time low.  Currently, there is some big money out there shorting pork bellies.”  

“We really have no idea what we’re tapping into here,” warned Testicov.  “We may rue the day we linked pigs to powerful computing technology.  Once you let the pig out of the pen, it’s not so easily put back.”