The White House Monday released updated economic data from its Office of Sharpie Revisions. The revised numbers show August job growth increasing from 130,000 new jobs to 300,000. It appeared a Sharpie had been used to remove a one and add a zero to the previously reported figure. Additionally, sluggish wage growth was revised upward from 3.2 to 32 percent, and a bar graph charting consumer confidence appeared altered to reveal the highest consumer confidence in decades.
Confronted by reporters, President Trump’s chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow explained the need for the revisions. “The White House is trying to provide Americans with accurate data in real time. So many of these charts and reports take days to put together and even more time to print. Wielding the Sharpie allows us to deliver the most accurate up-to-date data to the American people.”
Other crudely altered figures trotted out for public inspection by the OSR show President Trump’s approval rating rising from 39 to 89 percent. “We discovered a printing error caused gaps to appear in the eight of the president’s approval rating, making it look like a three,” explained Brad Parscale, President Trump’s campaign manager. “Thankfully, the Office of Sharpie Revisions was able to quickly fill in those gaps and get the true numbers out to the fake news media.”
With election season approaching, White House officials feel it’s more important than ever to get accurate information to the American people. “We’re using every tool at our disposal,” OSR director Sarah Spicer explained. “In addition to the Sharpie, we’ve begun using white out. Sometimes we’ll resort to the shredder, or in extreme cases, lease a wood chipper. You never know when you’ll need to ‘disappear’ some data or some awkward communications.”