Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee. 

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.

White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday.  Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden.  “White House, I can’t hold her!  She’s breaking up!  She’s breaking up!”  With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.  

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.  

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend.  Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package.  Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair.  Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate.  Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy. 

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived.  After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive.  Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it.  We have the technology.  We can build it back better than it was.  Better…stronger…faster.  It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Senate passes historic one-week government funding bill. Family of four fails to secure funding for its one-week budget.

Americans can rest easy tonight knowing our elected officials have once again performed their duties admirably and passed a bill to fund the federal government for one more week.  The bill was passed by voice vote on Friday after several senators dropped their opposition.

In the meantime, a family of four in Benton Harbor, Michigan failed to pass its own stopgap funding measure after disagreements over how to spend their dwindling savings could not be resolved.  The stand-off centered on whether to spend their remaining money on rent, food, or Christmas gifts.

The world’s most deliberative body, on the other hand, crafted a masterful piece of legislation that relies exclusively on contributions of ordinary Americans to keep the federal government in business for one more week.  Many worried the senators would be unable to cobble a bill together by midnight, forcing a dreaded government shutdown.  But, hey, it’s Friday and the senators wanted to go home, so as if by magic their differences evaporated.

Meanwhile, the family in Benton Harbor attempted to make child care arrangements, as their schools, for which they pay taxes, are shut down for the entire month of December.  Also at issue is the increased food costs due to the unavailability of school lunches.  Additionally, the family is facing an increased tech budget brought about by virtual education.  Efforts to secure alternative sources of funding for these programs, so far, have been unsuccessful.  

Back in Washington, the senators, awash in a seemingly limitless supply of cash, vowed to reconvene next week to finally do something for the millions of Americans whose livelihoods have either been eliminated or put on hold by the government’s pandemic response.  The senators indicated they’re starting to suspect the $1200 checks they authorized eight months ago are beginning to dry up. 

Democrats brainstorm additional ways they can help Trump win in 2020

Riding the success of the Speaker Pelosi speech shredding video, Democrats are working closely with the Trump campaign to generate additional campaign content to help propel Trump to victory in 2020.

“We welcome all the help we can get from Speaker Pelosi and the Democrats,” said Brad Parscale, Trump 2020 campaign manager.  “With impeachment and the Iowa Caucus debacle boosting Trump’s approval rating to the highest level of his presidency, we’re considering just sitting back and letting the Dems drive this bus.”  

“The Democrats have a proven track record of blowing races they should win and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory,” said Drew Hammill, Speaker Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff.  “When the Trump team came to us expressing concern over the president’s declining poll numbers, we had just one question for them: How can we help?” 

The result was a video showing Speaker Pelosi tearing up President Trump’s State of the Union address as he delivers good economic news and honors an American World War II hero.  “I wish I could take credit for that,” said Parscale. “That was a stroke of genius. Someone told me she even had the pages partially pre-torn to ensure maximum dramatic effect.” 

Not everyone is thrilled about the Dems strategizing for Trump.  Appearing on MSNBC’s Panic Room, longtime Democratic strategist from way, way back James Carville flipped out over the Iowa debacle and the prospect of nominating an avowed socialist as the Democratic nominee. 

“Eighteen percent of the population controls 52 Senate seats,” Carville said.  “We’ve got to be a majoritarian party. The urban core is not gonna get it done.  What we need is power! Do you understand? That’s what this is about.”

A few days later, in an interview with Vox, Carville put a fine point on his criticism of Democrats, “We’re losing our damn minds.”