For weeks, experts have been cautioning citizens against attempting an unproven and possibly dangerous viral extraction method. The procedure is called viral vacuuming, and President Trump continues to promote it despite a lack of evidence that it actually works.
“All I’m saying is give it a try. What do we have to lose? We’ve got some very good people working on this. Dyson engineers have even designed tiny little sweeper attachments that can be inserted into the nostril to suck out any viruses that may have accumulated there,” the President said during a recent press conference.
Self-serve car washes across the country report incidents of customers getting their nose stuck in car vacuum hoses.
“It’s really unprecedented,” says assistant fire chief Joe Molina of the Tempe Arizona Fire Department. “This week, we’ve gotten at least a dozen ‘nose in a hose’ calls. People underestimate how powerful those devices are.“
“We’ve definitely seen an uptick in nose trauma cases,” says one ER doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These aren’t just your average excessive picking cases, or kids trying to see how many Skittles they can jam up there, these are grotesque schnozes that have been permanently disfigured and stretched all out of proportion.”
At the press conference, the President seemed disinclined to denounce the controversial practice. “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? If nothing else, you get in there and do a little housekeeping, or maybe you save a life. Am I right, Dr. Birx?” asked the President of an unresponsive Birx, who suddenly discovered her fidgeting hands to be intensely interesting.
Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President.
“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field. His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary. Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.
The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.
“The fake news can kiss my ass. I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland. While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases. You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.
Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years.
“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits. Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’ President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.
In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.
“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas. Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread. We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced.