A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday. Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden. “White House, I can’t hold her! She’s breaking up! She’s breaking up!” With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.
The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.
After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.
The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend. Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?
At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package. Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair. Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate. Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy.
However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived. After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive. Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We can build it back better than it was. Better…stronger…faster. It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”
At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken.
“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.
“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.
Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become. “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”
“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure. “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land. Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born. Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.”
After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19. “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days. This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day. However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”
Despite losing access to POTUS and personal Twitter accounts, President Trump today released his proposed nominations to top positions in the shadow government to be convened on January 21. Many will recognize the nominees as long-time Trump loyalists familiar with the inner-workings of Washington and the halls of Congress in particular. Notably absent from the current list is Horned Hat Dude who is expected to be nominated as Trump’s pick for shadow VP later today in a separate press release.
Efforts to convey this information to the media were hampered by the suspension of all White House social media accounts. As a work around, the press release was faxed to over 200 news bureaus around the country. Going forward, the shadow government press office intends to utilize fax, Western Union, and the shadow postal service enlisted last fall in a conspiracy to prevent mail-in ballots from finding their destination.
The Trump shadow government may find it difficult, however, to fill all its positions by January 21 as many of the nominees are currently fugitives from justice. The FBI is currently engaged in the slow and difficult process of identifying and apprehending these individuals. Trump’s nominee for shadow government chief of staff is currently being hotly pursued by federal agents. After the man conducted interviews with NewsMax TV and the Today Show, and held a news conference in the lobby of Trump International DC, federal authorities now feel they have a pretty good idea regarding the identity of the individual and may be closing in on him. Horned Hat Dude also continues to elude authorities by maintaining a relentless media schedule, dashing from one interview to the next, and hiding out in his grandmother’s basement in between appearances.
White House officials are backpedaling this morning following last weekend’s Carnival of Crackpots event hosted by President Trump in the Oval Office. Officials now deny that discussions of declaring martial law ever took place, but rather Trump spoke extensively with attorneys about imposing marital law.
“Everybody needs to just step back and take a deep breath. POTUS is not declaring martial law. With his presidency winding down, the president is a little concerned regarding the status of his marriage and the vulnerability of his assets. He’s consulting attorneys and discussing various means of using the law to protect his property in the event of the dissolution of his marriage. That’s it, folks, marital law. See, you just had a couple of letters turned around. No big deal,” said a senior White House official familiar with last weekend’s shitshow.
Still questions remain regarding reports that President Trump is considering appointing Sydney Powell to a special counsel role, and that the president takes seriously the idea of seizing swing state voting machines.
Said the official, “Look, the president had a few of his rowdy friends over Friday night and the talk got a little colorful. The president appreciates Powell’s loyalty, and would like to recognize her efforts with a ‘special’ counsel honorarium, if you see where I’m going with this. Michael Flynn and Rudy Giuliani were also there sucking up and heaping flattery on the commander-in-chief. It was really kind of sickening. Rudy was sweating black ooze from almost every pore. Nothing to see here, folks. Just the final days of a feckless and pathetic, wanna-be despot soaking up a little last minute adoration. I mean, Jesus, yesterday he lost Pat Robertson. C’mon, you know you’re adrift in a sea of Cocoa Puffs when Pat Robertson bales on you.”
President Trump today pulled the final arrow from his quiver, drew his bow and let it fly in a desperate attempt to remain in office. Citing Tuesday’s DC Council vote to extend eviction protection for residents from December 31, 2020 until March 31, 2021, Trump has said he intends to remain in the White House.
“They can’t evict me. The DC Council approved the public health emergency and Mayor Bowser extended the eviction ban. I don’t know, I guess she likes me and wants to keep me around. Can you blame her?” the president said in remarks to reporters.
The Trump team is claiming eviction protection on several fronts. President Trump also urged the CDC to extend its Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions to Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 order past the December 31, 2020 expiration date.
“Listen, the eviction ban was designed for people like me. I earn less than $99,000 a year. Hell, I don’t even take a salary. I don’t report any net income to the IRS and haven’t for 35 years,” the president claimed. “How can this city or this country in good conscience kick little old me and my family out into the cold in the middle of January during a pandemic? C’mon, everybody, have a heart.”
DC officials were scrambling today to either repeal the eviction ban or find a way to target the White House specifically. Some inside Mayor Bowser’s administration have suggested shutting off utility service to the White House, but face an uphill battle as the current order prohibits that action.
“Hey, don’t even think about shutting off my utilities,” the president warned. “I plan on taking long hot showers with my new high-flow shower head for many months to come.”
The White House Monday released updated economic data from its Office of Sharpie Revisions. The revised numbers show August job growth increasing from 130,000 new jobs to 300,000. It appeared a Sharpie had been used to remove a one and add a zero to the previously reported figure. Additionally, sluggish wage growth was revised upward from 3.2 to 32 percent, and a bar graph charting consumer confidence appeared altered to reveal the highest consumer confidence in decades.
Confronted by reporters, President Trump’s chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow explained the need for the revisions. “The White House is trying to provide Americans with accurate data in real time. So many of these charts and reports take days to put together and even more time to print. Wielding the Sharpie allows us to deliver the most accurate up-to-date data to the American people.”
Other crudely altered figures trotted out for public inspection by the OSR show President Trump’s approval rating rising from 39 to 89 percent. “We discovered a printing error caused gaps to appear in the eight of the president’s approval rating, making it look like a three,” explained Brad Parscale, President Trump’s campaign manager. “Thankfully, the Office of Sharpie Revisions was able to quickly fill in those gaps and get the true numbers out to the fake news media.”
With election season approaching, White House officials feel it’s more important than ever to get accurate information to the American people. “We’re using every tool at our disposal,” OSR director Sarah Spicer explained. “In addition to the Sharpie, we’ve begun using white out. Sometimes we’ll resort to the shredder, or in extreme cases, lease a wood chipper. You never know when you’ll need to ‘disappear’ some data or some awkward communications.”