Residents of a sleepy midwestern city awoke Saturday morning to discover a four-story stone monolith in their midst. Officials are at a loss to explain when exactly the towering structure appeared and how it got there.
“Friday night there was nothing there but an empty lot. This morning there appeared a new addition to the city skyline. We have no idea who put it there or how it was constructed. There is no heavy equipment or machinery in sight, and the ground surrounding it is undisturbed,” said the city’s mayor who requested he and his town remain anonymous, fearing an onslaught of visitors to the area.
Local police reported no sightings of unidentified aerial phenomenon in the area overnight, leaving officials at a loss to explain how the monolith came to be at that spot on the downtown landscape.
“I’m thinkin’ it was built underground and pushed up to the surface in the middle of the night,” said one local resident.
An engineering professor at a local university had another theory. “What we’re most likely looking at is the product of some advanced nanotechnology of which we are presently unfamiliar. If indeed aliens built this monolith, they probably directed a tiny, undetectable probe to the area from which millions of nanobots emerged and fabricated the structure. Who knows, it may have been erected in a manner of minutes.”
Researchers at the site have confirmed they believe the monolith to be hollow. Although the structure contains no doors or windows, researchers have said they can detect activity inside.
“Undoubtedly they’re building something inside the monolith. What they’re building is anybody’s guess. Maybe a transformer or some space/time portal,” said the professor. “Whatever it is, we should know their intentions soon enough.”
Update: Moments before this story was issued for publication, authorities confirmed the alien monolith is actually a cinder block elevator shaft and part of a larger terrestrial construction project. Turns out nobody paid any attention to it until all this monolith business began.
Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President.
“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field. His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary. Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.
The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.
“The fake news can kiss my ass. I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland. While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases. You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.
Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years.
“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits. Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’ President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.
In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.
“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas. Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread. We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced.